Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hot Pipes Mailbag

Nothing like old-fashioned, wholesome entertainment.

We realize we have not been posting as frequently as we have in the past. But still, we here at HPO love receiving pleasant messages from courteous and open-minded readers of this blog.

We received this pearl from long-time reader and top-class gentlemen Jimmy Fontaine in the early hours of this morning. Mr. Fontaine, obviously in a splendid mood, offers a lot of constructive critism in a very unbiased way, without a hint of bigotry or crudeness:

You're a sick man Ross... A sick capitalist pig of a man... But even if screaming African children holding on for dear life to a camel gives you a sick kind of pick-me-up for the day, does that necessarily make you a capitalist pig? Let's remember Vick's fighting pit bulls of Newport "Bad" News Virginia... or Aramis Ramirez'zsszz love for cock-fighting in the Dominican Republic... (or whatever shithole of an island he came from... I'm not exactly writing a bibliography at four a.m. on a tuesday... or wednesday or whatever). The point is - whatever - I love hotpipes... Mikey Eggplant aka "The Repeat Offender" loves hotpipes... So just write some hotpipes Ross... Please... We're dying out here.
I know what you're thinking:"If i could do it all over again, I'd trade it all in for a checkered sport coat and a luxury car with high miles just to live a day in the life of a plastic siding salesman." But I got news for you, Mr. "International Businessman." It's not all fun and games out here...
Do you think I enjoy waking up at 12 P.M. everyday Ross?! I suppose because we smoke, drink, snort, and keister drugs all day we must be on easy street. Well, you know what.....................

Okay, you may be right in some respect. But please keep writing hotpipes, Ross. We need it. I love you brother. Please be careful out there and come see us soon.

Your main man,

Jimmy Fontaine
Sometimes it's just so nice to know that people out there care.

This tends to undermine the seriousness of Buddhism.

When we saw this amazing story on the newswire a few days ago, we were literally speechless. How could a dog learn to pray at a Buddhist temple? This is the mental equivalent of a monkey learning calculus, or George Bush learning that "Hispanically" is not a real word.

Here is the whole story:

Buddhist dog prays for worldly desires
NAHA, Japan (AFP) — Buddhists clasp their palms together to pray for enlightenment, but Conan, a chihuahua, appears to have more worldly motivations.
The dog has become a popular attraction at a Japanese temple after learning to imitate the worshippers around him.
"Conan started to pose in prayer like us whenever he wanted treats," said Joei Yoshikuni, a priest at Jigenin temple on the southern island of Okinawa.
"Clasping hands is a basic action of Buddhist prayer to show appreciation. He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks," he said.
Conan, a two-year-old male with long, black hair and a brown collar, sits next to Yoshikuni in front of the altar and looks right up at the statue of a Buddhist deity.
When the priest starts chanting and raises his clasped hands, Conan also raises his paws and joins them at the tip of his nose.
Visitors to the temple look on with curiosity.
"It's so funny that he does it," said Kazuko Oshiro, 71, who has frequented the temple for more than 25 years.
"He gets angry when somebody else sits on his favourite spot. He must be thinking that it's his special place," Oshiro said.
Conan, originally a temple pet, has become so popular that people come in to take pictures almost every week, the priest said.
Yoshikuni estimated that the temple receives 30 percent more visitors, especially young tourists, than it would otherwise.
"I'm glad that people feel more comfortable visiting the temple because of Conan," he said as he jokingly joined his hands and bowed to the dog.

Wax on... Wax off...

But honestly, what can a dog even pray for? A massive T-bone steak? Instant death for all cats worldwide? A tasty bone to chew on? A couple of shirtless, stinking, sweaty Mexican landscapers to chase out of his yard?

The Buddhist monks claim they are trying to teach the dog how to meditate, but we here at HPO probably think that before you teach a dog to meditate, you gotta teach him not to eat his own crap.

And now, to finish the post off, we are attaching some footage of what is possibly the worst-organized TV show in history. The girl is sweet enough, and she is certainly good-looking (not good-looking-in-a-Gemma-Atkinson-kind-of-way, but more good-looking-in-a-Susie-Dent-kind-of-way).

We truly do appreciate her seemingly-honest effort to educate the public, but for the love of all things that are good and decent, you can't allow yourself to be prank-called that many times in one show!


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