Man vs Wild

Enjoy him while he's cute, cuz pretty soon he'll be big enough to bite your head off.

The incredibly cute polar bear cub pictured above is named Knut, and he has caused quite a commotion over at the Berlin Zoo in Germany. Knut, along with his twin brother, was abandoned by their mother shortly after their birth at the zoo. In nature, polar bear mothers often abandon their cubs for any number of reasons, and these cubs are usually left to die. It is a natural part of the polar bear reproduction process.

A zoo worker, however, felt badly for Knut and has taken over where the mother left off. He is bottle-feeding the cub, and raising him on his own. This compassionate human gave the poor little abandoned bear another chance. He saw Knut's brother die, and didn't want to see the same thing happen again.

But now, animal experts are saying that a human raising a polar bear is animal cruelty. They say that this exposes the bear to cruel and unusual practices, and that is not only unnatural, but unethical as well. Some quotes from these experts:

"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws" - animal rights activist Frank Albrecht

"The killing of an animal has nothing to do with animal protection" - Wolfgang Apel, head of animal rights organization

"They cannot domesticate a wild animal" - Ruediger Schmiedel, head of Foundation for Bears

"The zoo must kill the bear" - Frank Albrecht

In order to dig deeper into this story, we decided to visit the Berlin zoo's webpage. So, we confessed our sins, we said goodbye to our families, we mustered up all the courage we had, and we did the unthinkable: We actually visited a German website.

Expecting to see pictures of half-naked David Hasselhoff and people crapping all over each other, we were incredibly relieved to see a somewhat normal website, with plenty of pictures of the cute little bear, playing with soccer balls and drinking out of bottles.

Now, we understand that the bear is fuzzy and playful and does cute little human things with its paws, but someday this little white furball is gonna grow up into a 350-pound killing machine that won't hesitate to bite your head off, and then tear what's left of your carcass into a million pieces.

These things grow up, and they get hungry. Really, really hungry.

This cute little bear isn't gonna be soft and cuddly all his life. Polar bears in captivity live for about 25 years, and as soon as this bear whacks somebody with that massive paw of his, or gets old enough to bite a chunk out of someone's leg, this wacky little experiment is gonna look like a huge failure.

Is it sad to kill a little baby polar bear? Sure it is. But maybe it's nature's way of handling these kind of situations. Whoever is up there, calling the shots, whether it's God or Allah or Barbara Streisand, maybe they do these things for a reason.

He's not just gay... He's powerful gay.

Texas wants you to believe in its cowboy, longhorn, yee-haw, hootin' and a-hollerin' outlaw image. They want you to know that they have the biggest trucks, the tastiest cows, and the most ultra-conservative morals. And damned if anybody's gonna take that away from them. A ding dang doo.

But what they don't want you to know is that the biggest gay church in the world is in Texas. That's right, people: The Cathedral of Hope. Dallas, Texas.

After reading that article, though, one quote stands out: "Over 90 percent of the Cathedral's 3,500 members are gay, lesbian, or transgender."

"Over 90 percent"?!? That's it?!

What about the other 10 percent? What the hell are they doing there? Taking notes? Are they friends with some of the transformers in the congregation, and they just tagged along to the big gay church?

Fuck knows.

But that's kinda strange... You know, if you're a normal heterosexual person.