Pan Kun vs Brazil

Chimpanzee athlete Pan-Kun apparently plays soccer, too. We here at HPO feel that this clip embodies everything that the World Cup stands for. In addition to being the top proponent of organized primate sports, Pan Kun proves once again that he is a multi-tool athlete. While this clip exposes potential conditioning problems for the up-and-coming ape, it also showcases his determination, technical knowledge of the game, and his ability to finish in the pressure of the spotlight.

How to Prove Your Point

We need to add him to the MFT.

This is a blow-up of Piniella-like proportions. This Mikulik guy should instantly be promoted to Triple-A. When asked about his antics, Joe Mikulik said: "This ain't my first rodeo."

JOE MIKULIK UPDATE: Another quote from the incident, by Mikulik: "I don't think I ever lost total control, though it may look like it."

Hail to the Chimp

Fletch

"Hi, I'm Dr. Rosenpenis."

Great movie.

Swing That Gospel Axe

Why does it have to be an axe?

Us humans are scientifically classified as a member of the family "hominidae", along with our cousins the gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans. Together, we are known as "The Great Apes."

But, what is it that separates us from primates like Pan-Kun, King-Kong, or Mr. Mojo? Can they not love, lie, laugh, and smoke cigarettes, just like us? Do they not lead complex, intricate social lives, complete with poo-throwing and rampant masturbation?

The answer, in both cases, is a resounding "Yes." So maybe we have to look elsewhere to find the difference... Maybe the pride of humanity, its defining bedrock, lies in the fact that we, unlike the ape, have the creative power of invention. And while it is true that one monkey's paintings were selling for around $50,000 each in New York, we here at HPO will still argue that the power of invention is a uniquely human skill set.

So, thanks to whoever runs this great website, we now showcase the amazing intellectual juggernaut that is the human mind:

This is the "dog umbrella."

The website we referred to earlier (patentlysilly.com) is just a collection of actual inventions submitted to the U.S. patent office. While there are some solid ones, there also some pretty ridiculous ones such as the "tomato raisin" and "sunscreen for animals." The site is pretty damn funny, and a great timewaster for those boring mid-day hours.

Here is our top-ten list of stupid inventions (Note: These are all actual, real-life inventions)

10. Arm shades

9. The "Sailbike":

What the fuck?

8. The animal dryer (which would be an OK invention if it wasn't for the creepy feeling that you were about to microwave your pet).

7. The Hand-Shaped Sun Visor (pretty solid)

6. The head-mounted putter:

That can't be good for the lower back.

5. "Flying craft tethered to powered water vehicle"

4. "Method and apparatus for underwater tree cutting and removal"

3. Cube-shaped tennis ball:

We're guessing the court is round.

2. "Method and apparatus for testing football helmets"

And, the #1 HPO stupid invention is..............

"Golf ball flotation device"