Swing That Gospel Axe

Why does it have to be an axe?

Us humans are scientifically classified as a member of the family "hominidae", along with our cousins the gorillas, chimpanzees, and orangutans. Together, we are known as "The Great Apes."

But, what is it that separates us from primates like Pan-Kun, King-Kong, or Mr. Mojo? Can they not love, lie, laugh, and smoke cigarettes, just like us? Do they not lead complex, intricate social lives, complete with poo-throwing and rampant masturbation?

The answer, in both cases, is a resounding "Yes." So maybe we have to look elsewhere to find the difference... Maybe the pride of humanity, its defining bedrock, lies in the fact that we, unlike the ape, have the creative power of invention. And while it is true that one monkey's paintings were selling for around $50,000 each in New York, we here at HPO will still argue that the power of invention is a uniquely human skill set.

So, thanks to whoever runs this great website, we now showcase the amazing intellectual juggernaut that is the human mind:

This is the "dog umbrella."

The website we referred to earlier (patentlysilly.com) is just a collection of actual inventions submitted to the U.S. patent office. While there are some solid ones, there also some pretty ridiculous ones such as the "tomato raisin" and "sunscreen for animals." The site is pretty damn funny, and a great timewaster for those boring mid-day hours.

Here is our top-ten list of stupid inventions (Note: These are all actual, real-life inventions)

10. Arm shades

9. The "Sailbike":

What the fuck?

8. The animal dryer (which would be an OK invention if it wasn't for the creepy feeling that you were about to microwave your pet).

7. The Hand-Shaped Sun Visor (pretty solid)

6. The head-mounted putter:

That can't be good for the lower back.

5. "Flying craft tethered to powered water vehicle"

4. "Method and apparatus for underwater tree cutting and removal"

3. Cube-shaped tennis ball:

We're guessing the court is round.

2. "Method and apparatus for testing football helmets"

And, the #1 HPO stupid invention is..............

"Golf ball flotation device"