The King of Spain is a Huge Ass

Things need done.

It's Friday, which for most of us means the start of a three-day incoherent mess of drunkenness and lack of common-sense, often ending in horrible personal embarassment, and sometimes even incarceration. But no matter how bad it gets, don't complain, because most of our problems are really pretty modest when compared to some of the other sick, twisted shit that happens in this world.

No matter what happens this weekend, remind yourself that it could always be worse, especially if you were in one of the following five places:

• Iran - A huge fucking country, led by an asshole dictator who beats women, jails students, and has recently banned his citizens from using the internet.
• Sudan - The Darfur situation is pretty bad. Those racist pervert militiamen have already killed half a million innocent people, and nobody even knows what they want. Usually, when you fight the government, you do it for a reason, guys. How about making your demands clear, so maybe we can end the killing? That might be good. Sudan takes the cake as the current location of the asshole of the world.
• Sri Lanka - Is anybody even winning this war? Because both sides are claiming victory. The Tigers have now crossed into uncharted territory, targeting tourist destinations all the way on the other side of the island. It looks as though Switzerland couldn't solve this problem, after all. This one isn't going away, folks. Damn you, Switzerland!!!
• Palestine - HPO has learned that everybody's favorite non-Gentiles, the Jews, have developed a new secret weapon that is mystifying doctors in Gaza. The Hindu Magazine reports that victims are being brought in to hospitals with severe burns and "metallic dust" covering their internal organs, and mysteriously dying after a few days. The Hebrews not only refuse to admit using the new weapon, but also deny that such a weapon even exists. From what the experts are saying, it's some new type of bomb that eventually kills you from the inside.
• Wherever Oliver is - As HPO field man Jimmy Fontaine once said: "There is a strict zero-tolerance policy on douchebags" here at Hot Pipes.

V.I. Lenin - Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!!!!

It's been a while since we took some cheap shots at the King of Spain, but when this story surfaced we just couldn't resist. Apparently, during a visit to Russia last August, King Juan Carlos gunned down a drunk bear while on a hunting trip. The bear, who from what we can tell was one hell of a nice bear, was allegedly fed a mix of honey and vodka prior to being murdered in cold-blood by the fucking King of Spain.

This sort of thing could only happen in Russia. Nowhere else in the entire world.

The bear was a tame, peaceful animal whose main job was entertaining children. We agree with The Moscow Times in their description of this whole affair: "It's like a five-star hotel inviting a prostitute in from the street." How would His Majesty like it if a bunch of bears got him drunk and then clawed him to death? We doubt he'd be singing and dancing after that.