You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Quite possibly the smartest dog ever.

Meet Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever who recently saved his owner's life - by performing the Heimlich maneuver.

We have no idea how the hell a dog managed to learn the Heimlich maneuver, but this story is so ridiculously absurd and downright ludicrous that it has to be true. His owner, Debbie, began choking on a piece of fruit. She first attempted to perform the Heimlich on herself, which we imagine would be pretty hard to do. Here is what happened next, according to Debbie:

"The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders. He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

That's pretty damn amazing.

Koko spends some quality time cuddling with her pet cat.

Koko is one of the most famous gorillas in history. Weighing in at 300 pounds and having "the strength of six men", Koko is not an aggressive beast but instead a highly intelligent and expressive person. Here is a short summary of her abilities:

• She can communicate and understand sign language (over 1,000 signs)
• She understands English (about 2,000 words)
• She has been involved in several sexual harassment scandals because of her nipple fetish
• She has pet cats
• She occasionally enjoys a refreshing unfiltered cigarette
• Her IQ has been tested at as high as 90, just below average for most humans, and far above the average for citizens of Gary, IN

In fact, Koko was involved in the "first live inter-species Internet chat" back in 1998, when a chat between Koko and AOL users using text and sign language was broadcast throughout the internets.

We managed to find a transcript of the chat between Koko and the rest of the world. Highlights from this monumental virtual discussion are below. Taking part in the talk are "HaloMyBaby" (the online public moderator), DrPPatrson (Koko's trainer) and LiveKoko (Koko):

HaloMyBaby: Is Koko aware that she's chatting with thousands of people now?

LiveKOKO: Good here.

DrPPatrsn: Koko is aware.

HaloMyBaby: I'll start taking questions from the audience now, our first question is: MInyKitty asks, Koko are you going to have a baby in the future?

LiveKOKO: Pink

DrPPatrsn: We've had earlier discussion about colors today

LiveKOKO: Listen, Koko loves eat

HaloMyBaby: Me too!

DrPPatrsn: What about a baby? She's thinking...

LiveKOKO: Unattention

DrPPatrsn: She covered her face with her hands....which means it's not happening, basically, or it hasn't happened yet.

LiveKOKO: I don't see it.

HaloMyBaby: EFRN asks, Would Koko like to have a kitten, a dog, or another Gorilla as a friend?

LiveKOKO: dog

DrPPatrsn: She actually has two dog friends right now one kitty and two gorillas.

HaloMyBaby: SBM87 asks, What are the names of your kittens? (and dogs?)

LiveKOKO: foot

DrPPatrsn: Foot isn't the name of your kitty

HaloMyBaby: Koko, what's the name of your cat?

LiveKOKO: no

DrPPatrsn: She just gave some vocalizations there... some soft puffing

HaloMyBaby: I heard that soft puffing!

DrPPatrsn: Now shaking her head no.

Question: Do you like to chat with other people?

HaloMyBaby: That was from Rulucky!

LiveKOKO: fine nipple

HaloMyBaby: Storm 1004 asks, Dear Koko...I've watched you for years now...your gentle spirit is inspiration for many... I'd like to know what you'd like for your birthday.

HaloMyBaby: What a sweet question!

LiveKOKO: Birthday. Food and smokes.

HaloMyBaby: SMOKES?

DrPPatrsn: She's reading a birthday card.

LiveKOKO: lips, apple give me

DrPPatrsn: People give her her favorite foods.

LiveKOKO: love, browse drink nipple

DrPPatrsn: Browse is like... the little foods/snacks we give them.

LiveKOKO: koko loves that nipple drink, go

As you can see, it's pretty much what you'd expect a conversation with a gorilla would be like. There weren't any deep, philosophical discussions or clever garden-path twists. The ape, quite simply, acted like an ape.

And that's just fine with us.