Today in Politics

This one came down to the wire...

In a highly-anticipated matchup that did not disappoint, Iranian riot police withstood a late rally and "crushed" a teachers' pay protest, resulting in the incarceration of several hundred university-educated scholars.

The riot police came into this showdown as the odds-on favorite, but the underdog elementary school teachers did not go down without a fight. Although the demonstration began peacefully, the riot police began beating the living bejesus out of some of the teachers after the protest became too heated. For a few magical minutes, it looked like the teachers would be able to pull off the huge upset, but in the end, the brute force of the riot police was too much, and organizers of the teacher protest ended up in notorious Evin prison, which is considered by experts to be the second-worst place in the world to be (Gary, Indiana being the first).

Dr. Ahmadinejad is definitely not insane.

So, based on what has transpired over the past several years, let us give you a summary of the President of Iran's political agenda:

• He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" because of "the Zionist Regime's human responsibility for the oppressed people of Palestine"
• He also, coincidentally, wants to enrich uranium for "peaceful purposes"
• He wants to create a women-only island
• He kills gay people
• He throws teachers and students in jail
• He has sexual intercourse with sheep

We remind you at this time that all of the above are true. Except for the sheep... That hasn't yet been confirmed. But all the rest of them are true.

Esperanza de Bolivia...

Speaking of politicians who are definitely not insane, Evo Morales (pictured above wearing a funny hat and necklace made out of cocaine leaves) is in the news again. This time, he is campaigning for international courts to force The Coca-Cola Company to change its name. The problem, according to Morales, is that the coca leaf (which is commonly used in Bolivia) has been villainized by the rest of the world, and corporations should be forced to "refrain from using the name of the sacred leaf in their products."

Since the secret formula for Coca-Cola is top-secret, nobody knows for sure whether coca is used as an ingredient of Coke. But rumors abound that The Coca-Cola Company in Atlanta had warehouses of it.

However, we think it is difficult for Bolivia to bring The Coca-Cola Company to its knees: Bolivia's GDP is $25.684 billion, and The Coca-Cola Company makes about $24.088 billion a year. Add to that the value of the Coca-Cola name, and the fact that Coke has been selling for over 100 years, and you have a pretty big mountain to move. Good luck, Evo.