Quit Bothering Those Fucking People

We have a Fucking problem.

Germans Not Amused

London: (AFP) British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian village effing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly named village.

While British residents are finding it hilarious, residents of Fucking are failing to see the funny side.

Only one kind of criminal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border - cheeky British tourists armed with a sense of humour and a screwdriver.

But the authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the look-out.

"We will not stand for the Fucking signs being removed," the officer said.

"It may be very amusing for you British, but Fucking is simply Fucking to us. What is this big Fucking joke? It is puerile."

Local tourist guide Andreas Rehmueller said it was only the British that had a fixation with Fucking.

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained. "Every American seems to care only about The Sound of Music (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau.

"But for the British, it's all about Fucking."

Guesthouse manager Augustina Lindlbauer described the village's breathtaking lakes, forests, and vistas. "Yet there is still this obsession with Fucking," she said.

"Just this morning I had to tell and English lady who stopped by that there were no more Fucking postcards."

In case you're wondering, this is all true. Fucking actually exists. You can find it on the map. It's not too far from Tittmoning, Austria.

Thank god for plastic hips!

The list of things that old people shouldn't be doing is a long and tedious one. On that list, you'll find activities like skydiving, monkey knife-fighting, kickboxing, water-skiing, motorcycle racing, or anything that involves staying up after 4 pm.

Also, under no circumstances should you ever, ever, let an old person on your roof. Never. Avoid it at all costs.

Because they'll just end up gluing themselves to the roof.

No mas, Evo.

Our favorite lunatic South American politician, Evo Morales, is back in the news. And this time, it has nothing to do with his corny sweater, his awful haircut, or the fact that he sleeps on his sister's couch.

Evo's latest brilliant idea involves changing Bolivia's constitution so that the Bolivian flag could be redesigned with coca leaves on it. Bolivia's government claims that "the laurel and olive branches are European symbols" for peace, and they don't want European peace symbols in Bolivia.

They want their traditional Bolivian symbols, like the llama, the condor, and the coca leaf.