God, Please Don't Ever Let This Happen To Us

Right in the baby-makers.

A few days ago, 25-year-old Spanish matador Fernando Cruz was mauled by the bull he was fighting. The more we read this, the more painful it really seems. This bull got him as bad as you could possibly get somebody. We really doubt that it is possible to get mauled worse than this:

"Fernando Cruz is suffering from two horn wounds of 25 centimetres in length each. One involves the fibres of the abductor muscle and dissects the femoral artery, the other involves the scrotal area and eviscerates both testicles," said a spokesman from the Casa de Salud hospital in Valencia.

Eviscerates both testicles, you say? Just to be safe, we looked up 'eviscerate' in the dictionary. Ok, it means what we thought it meant. Ouch. Our "scrotal area" hurts just from reading that.

At first we were stunned at the severity of the injury, and we wondered how Fernando would cope with not being able to conceive children without his gonads. But then, we looked at his bullfighting outfit (those socks are definitely pink) and this picture of a man with his hands down Fernando's pants, and then we began to think that maybe sex with a woman wasn't very high on his list in the first place.

Giselle could suck-start a leaf-blower.

Brazil is well-known for 2 things: Soccer players that look like horses and beautiful, beautiful women. In our opinion, it's hard to get a more perfect female form than Giselle Bundchen or Ana Barros or Adriana Lima. But apparently these living goddesses, these modern-day Aphrodites, won't even talk to you unless you own a manpurse (aka European Carry-all).

And that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

But now, according to Scientific American, Brazilian women may not actually be the brown-skinned bell-cows we once thought they were. A survey shows that a surprising number of Brazilian females are overweight, and that an even higher amount of men are raging drunks:

Brazilian men fare much worse in the poll. Between 45 percent and 52 percent of men in major cities are overweight and as many as one-third drink alcohol excessively, the study found. The heaviest male drinkers are in the northeastern city of Salvador, where 33 percent consume more than five alcoholic beverages per day. In Rio de Janeiro, one in four men regularly drinks too much.

Don't fuck with the wrong midgets.

In Malaysia, police have arrested a group of thieves that were all "vertically challenged." The so-called "Midget Gang" had committed 14 break-ins, according to the article. We don't know what they were stealing, and we can't really find out, because every time we type "Midget Gang" into google it brings up some pretty un-savory results.

Definitely not what we were looking for.

You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.