Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Australia is Very Sensible

Big waterfall.

Every year, a couple of lunatics go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Why they do this, God only knows. But they do it. It is a tradition that has been going on for over 100 years. Our favorite:
October 25, 1991

Robert Overcracker rides a jet-ski over the brink of the Horseshoe Falls to help promote awareness for the homeless. His parachute did not open, and Robert ended up promoting better parachutes. He plunged to his death and his body was never recovered. An Egyptian tourist captured this amazing image:
In the latest of a long line of ridiculous events at Niagara Falls (not to be confused with Viagra Falls), a Spanish man was rescued from the Niagara River, just a few miles from the falls, after claiming he had fallen asleep on an inflatable mattress and had no idea how he got into the river. According to him, he had been "taking a nap on an air mattress along the Niagara Parkway and woke up in the swift moving Niagara River."
Naturally, we here at HPO can totally relate to this situation. Every one of us has been there before. Come on, don't you remember the first time you fell asleep next to the parkway, and awoke in middle of a half-frozen river, coming dangerously close to becoming a human Denver omelet at the bottom of the world's biggest waterfall?
Of course you do.
This Spanish guy either needs to learn how to shop for inflatable mattresses properly, or he needs to learn how to lie better. One or the other.

A woman was apprehended by border guards at the Gaza-Egypt crossing when they noticed she looked "strangely fat." After searching the women, police discovered that she had three live crocodiles strapped to her waist.
From a border patrol spokesperson:
Even though she was veiled and covered, even with so many clothes on there was something strange. The policewoman screamed and ran out of the room, and then women began screaming and panicking when they heard. But when the hysteria died down... everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body.
Hey, we admire her too. That ain't easy, walking around with three potentially deadly reptiles tied to your rib cage.
You see, the reason humans don't go walking around with alligators tied to themselves is because of natural instinct. Through evolution, all the people that were dumb enough to say, "Let's see what happens when I tie myself to a crocodile" killed themselves off, and the only people left were the ones who stayed as far away from crocodiles as they could.
We keep them in cages for a reason.

The biggest toad in the puddle.

Australia, we're told, has quite the cane toad problem. We don't care much for Australians, so we didn't know this before. But apparently, the poisonous toads are quite an environmental pain-in-the-ass for Australia's ecosystems, so special conservation groups are called upon to capture the toads.

After they are captured, of course, the Australians remind us why the good lord put toads on this planet in the first place: "We kill them with carbon dioxide gas, stockpile them in a big freezer and then put them through a liquid fertilizer process that renders the toads nontoxic... It turns out to be sensational fertilizer."

But today, the Australians captured the biggest cane toad ever found, a massive beast "the size of a small dog." According to frog experts, the juggernaut toad weighs 2 pounds and has a body "the size of a football."

But he ain't gonna be the size of a football for long. Soon, he will be joining his toad brothers in the fertilizer freezer, and not long after that he will literally be pushing up daisies for in some Australian park.

Good riddance to bad rubbish! Why can't more countries follow their lead? Maybe, sometime in the future, on one glorious morning, the rest of the world will be as logical and even-keeled as Australia.

Keep your fingers crossed, people! Someday, hopefully, the whole world will use defenseless animals to ensure that our lawncare needs are always met! Sure, our freezers will be full of dead frogs, but our grass will never be yellow again! That's a small price to pay for impeccable landscaping.

If this isn't the most sensible idea we've ever heard, we don't know what is.


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