Apes and Douches

They feature an intense predisposition to mites, tire tubes, and bananas.

The human being shares this small blue planet with a whole variety of God's creatures, but we share more than just the Earth with the other members of the Great Ape family. Along with the chimpanzee, the orangutan, the gorilla, and the bonobo, we are part of a group of highly intelligent and social animals. Even though we may have different hair color, use different tools, and interact under a different set of social guidelines, we are all cousins, and we should all be in this together.

As reported by the Atlanta-Journal Constitution (which is a great newspaper, by the way), nobody exemplifies this principal better than the zoo in Atlanta. After reading that, how could you not agree that apes are very similar to us, and deserve to be treated as our equals? These gorillas drink Ensure, take Celebrex, and leisurely lay around in the morning sun. If they started playing bingo, wearing those big sunglasses, and eating dinner at 4:30, they would be just like most normal senior citizens.

Which is precisely why Senator Allen Christensen of Utah is such a human paraquat. He voted against a bill that would make ape abuse a felony, and a certain Salt Lake City resident was furious. Here is the fuck-you letter that was sent to the Senator:

I have news for Sen. Allen Christensen, R-North Ogden, who rejected the bill making animal abuse a felony, saying that human beings have more "sanctity" than animals. Earth is not at the center of the solar system; the sun is not the center of the galaxy and mankind is not at the center of existence.

We are simians, great apes, and the only sacred thing about the hairless kind is our ability to act out of compassion, a trait the senator has clearly abandoned. The moral issue at hand has nothing to do with sanctity anyway. It is much simpler than that. It has to do with pain. Animals very clearly suffer when they are tortured, just as you or I would.

A significant law against inflicting pain on weaker creatures would set the highest moral tone, but Sen. Christensen apparently is scared of being called a monkey. And so he has deftly exemplified how religion is used as an excuse for justifying brutality. Congratulations, Senator.

O. David Johnson
Salt Lake City

And now, on to today's discussion of douchebaggery:

It's tough to be more of a douchebag than this guy: The frosted hair, the popped collar, the monkey-with-a-stick-up-its-ass pose. The only thing that would make him more of a douchebage would be a couple extra bracelets. You can't tell from this picture, but this guy's socks don't even go all the way around his heel. Also, he was quoted as saying that "he understands why women find Pierce Brosnan attractive."

Another prime example of a douchebag. We rate this guy as "strong to very strong." What we love about him is the fact that if the pink polo shirt he has is not douchebaggy enough for him, he can always take it off and reveal the even pinker shirt he has on underneath. This can 'give him that extra push him over the edge' that he might need when competing against other douchebags.

Several websites have listed this guy as a douchebag. In our opinion, he is far from it. He may be a creep, a pervert, and a loser, but he displays no qualities which classify him as having douche status.

But our all time favorite douchebag is still the one-and-only Oliver. Nobody does it quite like him, which is why he has earned him his PhD in the field of douchebaggery. He is widely regarded as the Michael Jordan of douchebags, and his powerhouse doucheness is the yardstick which all other douches use to try reach his juggernaut douchebag status. Keep on trucking, Oliver.