Yesterday at the Academy Awards

Do you see the similarity?

If we learned anything from watching last night's Oscars, it's this: Nicole Kidman looks like a blonde bottle of ketchup.

Also, her Australian butt-buddy Naomi Watts looks like a bottle of mustard. The resemblance is uncanny. And, since rumors are flying that Nicole and Naomi may be carpet-munchers, we figured this was as good a time as any to start jumping to ridiculous conclusions.

Well, maybe the rumors aren't all that far-fetched. It's not like Nicole Kidman is staring at Naomi's breasts during publicity photos. It's not like that at all.

The only bigger travesty than the fact that both of these girls are devout "feminists" is the fact that Watts never won an Oscar for her spot-on portrayal of a disgruntled lesbian in David Lynch's Mulholland Drive.

Seriously, people!! These two dykes have the time of their life playing tickle-butt while the rest of the world wonders, "Does the carpet match the drapes?"

Anyways, on a more serious note, The New Yorker got a lot of fuck-you letters for publishing a cartoon that was derogatory towards Polish people. These letters were from all over the world, and we somehow managed to get our hands on an authentic complaint that was actually sent in to the editor:

Dear Mr. Mankoff,

The cartoon in The New Yorker magazine (issue of 2/19) on pg. 165 with the caption: "My parents named me Zbigniew because they were drunk" is not funny; it's ridiculous; moreover it is bigoted.

Zbigniew is an ancient, honorable, and traditional Slavic name and, significantly and ironically for this matter, it means "one who dispels anger."

Would America chuckle at a child named Shaquand? or Nathan (American)? or William (ancient Anglo-Saxon) ? or Barack?

Please issue a retraction.

Subscribers,

John and Jane Doe

Here is the standard, cookie-cutter response letter that was sent, by the cartoon editor of The New Yorker, to all the Polish people who complained:

Dear Ms. Doe,

I am extremely sorry that you took the caption as an insult. It was not meant to target people of Polish origin in any way. It was simply meant to represent the plight of a child with an unusual name, that at the same time is quite well known, because of the distinguished career of statesman Zbigniew Brzezinski.

As we all know, children hate to be different from their peers in any way, and though America is still a great melting pot, children with first names other than the most standard often see their name as a burden rather than atribute to their ancestry. The tacit assumption of the cartoon is that the child is not of polish ancestry, which makes it very unusual for him to have Zbigniew as a name. The humor intended here was that of incongruity, not insult, and I want to assure you again, that neither Mr. Weber nor The New Yorker meant to offend the Polish people in any way.

Sincerely,

Robert Mankoff

And, courtesy of Jimmie Fontaine, we bring you "The Chicken Police":

These chickens are the straw that stirs the drink.