One Time

Let's go back to the station house...

Chances are, you have never lived in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois. Therefore, chances are you probably won't be able to appreciate the sheer ineptitude of the police force there, nor will you fully be able to realize how much of a joke the law enforcement is out there.

Anyways, we have a collection of some pretty funny excerpts from the Daily Illini's police blotter over the past few years... Unfortunately, since we are quoting hardcopy files, we can't link to the original articles, but we promise that they will be accurate. Not a single word will be different. Here are our favorites, in no particular order:

- A 43-year-old Champaign woman reported that either an unknown suspect or the wind blew open a door at the 300 block of West Beardsley Avenue. Nothing was missing or disturbed, according to a police report.

- A 27-year-old Urbana man was arrested for aggravated battery at County Market Discount Foods, 220 N. Broadway Ave., on Tuesday afternoon. According to a police report, the man grabbed a 20-year-old Urbana woman's "body part" inside the business. The man was later seen leaving in a van. The vehicle was stopped, and the man was arrested.

-A 28-year-old Urbana man put his roommate in a headlock in their apartment at the 1100 block of East Florida Avenue over the weekend. According to a police report, the man was angered that his roommate wouldn't contriute to house expenses. He then began brandishing a skillet at his roommate and threatening to batter him. He then put the man in a headlock and attempted to prevent him from entering his bedroom. Police were called and arrested the man for battery and transported him to the Champaign County Sheriff's Office.

- A 43-year-old Champaign man was arrested for battery at Skeleton Place, 302 S. Second St., on Monday night. According to a police report, the man struck a 36-year-old Champaign man in the head for looking at his "European beverage."

- A 23-year-old Champaign woman attempted to steal a douche kit and silicon bottle nipples from Country Market Discount Foods, 1911 Glenn Park Drive, on Thursday. According to a police report, the woman concealed items in her purse and tried to leave without paying. She was arrested for retail theft and brought to the Champaign County Sheriff's Office.

- A 31-year-old Champaign woman threatened to "blow up the block" at the 100 block of Roper Street on Saturday. According to a police report, no charges were filed against the woman.

- A 22-year-old Urbana man told police someone is throwing his mail "all around the hallway of his apartment building" at the 1200 block of East Florida Avenue. According to a police report, the man reported it is an ongoing problem that his mail is opened and thrown around. There are no suspects.

- While completely nude, a 50-year-old Champaign man entered a 22-year-old Champaign woman's residence Monday without permission, then battered her.

- A 12-year-old Champaign girl allegedly punched young children while on her paper route last month. According to an April 29 police report, she punched an 8-year-old Champaign boy at the 600 block of West Clark Street. The report stated she has also punched other children in the past month.

Good job, Champaign Police Department. Keep up the good work... We all know how exhausting your job must be, helping old ladies cross the street and getting cats out of trees.