This article, sent to us by HPO field man Jimmy Fontaine, is from the Chicago Tribune. It is so unbelievable that we had to post the whole thing:
By Brendan McCarthy
Tribune staff reporter
October 2, 2006, 7:13 PM CDT
An intoxicated catering company employee found dead early Sunday in Millennium Park died from asphyxia after choking on a coin, authorities said Monday. The Cook County medical examiner's office ruled the death a homicide, but police said they are not yet classifying the death as such, and are continuing to investigate the odd circumstances surrounding the incident.
Humberto Davila, 33, of the 3500 block of West Melrose Street, was found around 4:45 a.m. Sunday, lying face down amid shrubbery in the southeast corner of the park, in the 100 block of East Monroe Street, authorities said. Co-workers had last seen Davila earlier Sunday, when he was drinking with friends and causing a minor disturbance in the park, Central District Lt. Charles Flynn said.
His body was discovered by a park-cleaning crew.An autopsy completed Monday found that the man had choked on a foreign object, said a spokesman for the medical examiner's office.Police spokeswoman Monique Bond said Monday, however, that investigators were treating the incident as a death investigation, not a criminal matter.
"We are still waiting to receive toxicology reports," she said. "We still have a number of individuals we need to talk to."
Davila was an employee of a catering company and had been intoxicated at the time of his death, Bond said.There was no trauma to his body, Bond said, and the object found lodged in his throat appeared to be a coin.
A broken liquor bottle was found nearby, and investigators believe the man may have fallen on or smashed the bottle shortly before his death.
Congratulations, Humberto Davila. Not only did you get drunk and cause a "minor disturbance" with your friends in the park, but you then managed to fall on a liquor bottle (we're guessing it was "The Bird
") before choking to death on a fucking coin.
Of all the ways to get found "lying face down amid shrubbery", this one is probably the worst.
It was probably an Indiana quarter.
This is only the second elephant picture in the history of HPO.
In other tragic news, a newlywed couple's honeymoon turned really, really not good when the groom was tragically trampled by an elephant
during a nature walk. Local authorities blame the elephant's poor eyesight for the "unprovoked attack", saying that the beast got "spooked" by something.
Say hello to "The Rack."
While reading various Kenyan newspapers when researching that elephant article, we came across this strange story. Kenya, for some reason, has newspapers that, when covering a breast cancer story, show pictures of white women's breasts.
95% of Kenya's population of 35 million citizens is black.
Can anybody think of a reason they wouldn't pick black boobs for the picture? With about 8 million black women to choose from in Kenya, we're guessing there wouldn't be a problem with finding a photogenic pair of jugs. Unless, of course, this is some bizarre form of never-before-seen new-age racism, born out of some kind a perverse appreciation for the white teet.
HPO has always been an equal opportunity blog. Put an end to breast discrimination! Emancipate the black titties! What bad have they ever done? Do they not deserve to be free? Do they not fill the same bras as white breasts? How can we call this a forward-leaning society? End this antiquated ethnic degradation, you racist bastards.
Swing low, sweet chariot!