The Search for Southeast Jerome Continues
"Can you give me a ride to the dance, Uncle Rico?"
We love him.
Clinton Portis resumed his tradition of doing improv compedy at his Thursday press conferences. Yesterday, he unveiled his newest character, "Dolemite Jenkins." The Redskins posted the press conference on their website, but if you wanna watch it you have do a free registration.
While we here at HPO are ecstatic that Portis brought back this great tradition (it made Thursday our favorite day of the week last fall), we must say that his performance was sub-par. But, then again, it was his first of the year, so he probably just needs some time to warm up.
Anyways, here are the higlights of the conference:
Portis arrives, wearing a "Vote for Santana" T-shirt, tight-fitting wrangler jeans, and black galoshes. He does a stupid dance first, then answers questions for five minutes, pulling several Bic razors out of his pocket during the interview. He hinted that the search for Southeast Jerome's killer will lead him to "New York city, right by the Statue of Liberty."
We love him.
"Where's the manure?"
When we read this shocking story, three things popped into our minds.
- We're not really surprised that this was done by a man from Chicago.
- This reminds us of the story of Najeh "The Dump Truck" Davenport dropping a dog in that poor girl's laundry hamper. One of the most bizarre and hilarious stories of all time, highlighted by Davenport's rock-solid defense of himself: "Where's the evidence? Where's the manure?"
- Tyrone Biggums:
A new soap opera called "Without Tits" is causing quite a disturbance in the South American country of Colombia. The show documents the problems of a young woman desperately trying to find a rich, drug-dealing boyfriend who will take her out of her life in the gutter. The only problem is, she is flat-chested, so she needs to make some money so she can get breast implants and catch some wealthy gangster's eye.
After failing at many other jobs, she turns to prostitution to raise money for the boob job. Ironically, she fails at being a street-corner girl because her breasts are too small.
A prostitute's Catch-22, as it were.
Anyways, many people in Colombia are upset at the show's stereotypes, and Pereira city spokesman Luis Garcia even said that "We refuse to be defined by this tele-trash!" But, as it turns out, the soap opera actually remains fairly true to the situation facing a lot of young women in Colombia.
So listen, and listen good, Garcia: You may be offended by this kind of low-brow crap broadcasting, but this is exactly the kind of tele-trash that we love. In fact, we're on it like a chicken on a june-bug. So we're reeeeeaaaaally sorry if a wave of cocaine-slanging warlords and their loyal army of prostitutes is ruining your country's reputation, you snow-blowing, brain-dead, powder-inhaling dipshit!