Four-Legged Law Man

Have the jet gassed up and ready to go at a moment's notice.

There are somethings that we will never be able to explain... There are questions that will never be answered. Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why do people break into state parks, cover themselves in olive oil, and have sex with animals?

Unfortunately, that last one really did happen. In a shockingly hilarious police report, the good people down at TSG have once again struck gold. The 7-page report explains, in detail, exactly what 69-year-old Alfred Stevens was doing at La Purisima Mission in California just after midnight, naked, with a loaded gun, a bottle of extra-virgin olilve oil, a rope, and feed grain.

Sheep: We use them for wool, not having sex with.

The police report claims that the animals in the stables had been "noticeably skittish" as of late. Yeah, anytime you're a sheep, and a 64-year-old pervert butt-rapes you in front of all your sheep friends, acting "noticeably skittish" is pretty understood.

We just wish that was within our jurisdiction, so we could shut down every last one of those ass-cock-chuggers.

In other news, a bunch of raccoons fell through some ceiling in Tampa Bay, and some girl couldn't turn her homework in at school because of it. These raccoons are getting more and more ballsy. If something is not done soon, they will be eating out of every dumpster and drinking out of every toilet that we own.