Devil Horse

Every man, woman, and child should have one.

Monkey butlers. The solution to the annoying tasks that fill our days. But why should the disabled be the only ones that benefit from having one of our ape cousins at their side? Wouldn't it make all of our lives easier? The monkey would bring you your TV guide, walk your dog, do your shopping, and microwave your burritos.

Monkey butlers are not a new invention. They have been around for ages. Monkey butlers are almost always schooled by private institutions, and they take about seven years to train, depending on the breed of monkey, and the specific monkey's temperament. The career of your average monkey butler lasts about 30 years.

Mr. Teeny had an Elvis-like addiction to nicotine.

There have been many famous monkeys, but no "helper monkey" was ever more famous than Krusty the Klown's Mr. Teeny. Granted, Mr. Teeny was no saint, but his jam-packed schedule kept him busier than a bishop's hat, even though he often found himself "between the dog and the hydrant."

HPO has learned that Debby Rose of Springfield, MO, has a helper monkey of her own, a bonnet macaque monkey named Richard. Debby, who suffers from anxiety, is not physically disabled, but she uses Richard as a source of "emotional support" to allow her to be comfortable in public places.

Like restaurants, for example, where Richard often accompanies her. The monkey sits there, drinking grapefruit juice and eating peanuts, while Debby dines. Only problem is, other customers often take offense to the fact that Richard is a monkey, often citing the fact that monkeys are known for shitting into their own hands and throwing the crap all over the place.

So, Debby went to the Health Department to ask them for permission to let Richard enter area restaurants with her. However, after a fittingly brief investigation, the authorities ruled that "the monkey performs no service for her" at all, and thusly cannot be considered a helper monkey.

Shame on you, Health Department.

Speaking of monkeys: