Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Death of a Prince, Birth of New Hope

Time to pay the fiddler.
Steve Irwin died yesterday morning, and he died doing what he loved most: Harassing wild animals. It wasn't a crocodile or rattlesnake or raccoon that got him. It was a short-tail stringray.
Witnesses say that the bull ray got scared, panicked, and stuck its tail-spike through Steve's chest, piercing his heart and confirming his reservation on the midnight train to Slab City. The entire event was captured on tape, which is probably what Irwin would have wanted anyways.
Australia weeps together as one undivided country, or possibly continent, in various ways: Australians have come by the thousands to Steve's zoo; The Prime Minister has said that "Australia has lost a wonderful and colorful son"; Millions of Australian families pray for Steve as they eat their koala-bear dinners tonight; Australia's youth remember Steve as they ride their kangaroos to school in the morning.
The memory of man as individual as he was do not fade away so easily.
In your wisdom, oh Lord, you took him. Like you took so many bright, flowering young men in years past. Steve Irwin died before his time. But we will always remember him in his element, wrestling gators in mud-holes, provoking sharks in the open sea, chasing cobra snakes up trees, or cradling his infant son in his arms as he entered gator pens and hand-fed them chicken carcasses at Australia's Zoo.
We lost a good man yesterday.
Good night, sweet prince.

George S. Halas would approve.

On Sunday night, the Bears take the field for the start of their 87th NFL season.When faced with the seemingly paradoxical question, "Who would win in a game, Da Bears or Da Bulls?", most Chicagoans could not answer. However, the correct answer, as given by the late, great Chris Farley, is this:

"The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved, but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place."

His response earned him a trip to the cheese-fry booth. He later argued about how many points Michael Jordan could score in an NBA game if he played all four quarters while seated in a recliner.

Heart attack.

Now, time for somber youtube in memory of the man they call "The Crocodile Hunter." We now mourn him as passionately as he mourns this gator:


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