Wednesday, September 27, 2006

100 Angriest Cities in America

Once again, it has been proven that Florida sucks.

Men's Health magazine recently released a list of the "100 angriest cities in America." We here at HPO now present the top ten angriest cities. What this has to do with men's health, we have no idea.

Condolences go out to Gary, Indiana. They must be heartbroken to have not made the top 100.

  • 10. St. Louis, MO: We don't understand this one. People in St. Louis are always courteous to us whenever we visit, never showing their anger or animosity outright. Even the St. Louis Metro Police were polite when they threw us out of that parking lot.

  • 9. Jacksonville, FL: The first of four Florida representatives in the top ten. While not quite as trashy as other Floridian cities, Jacksonville is still a shithole. As if being in Florida wasn't bad enough, Jacksonville also has to put up with being the hometown of tatoo-laden douchebag Fred Durst. We'd be upset, too.

  • 8. Memphis, TN: Credited with the invention of the ducktail haircut. Enough said.

  • 7. Miami, FL: No shortage of reasons here. Who wouldn't be angry living in a city where ankle socks, popped collars, tight pants, and pastel colors were not only acceptable, but considered cool?! Combine this with the fact that Miami is an elephant's graveyard where senior citizens flock by the thousands to play shuffleboard and die, and you've got a winner. Florida has that certain hideous quality that only exists when white trash and vacationing lunatics are mixed properly.

  • 6. Wilmington, DE: What's there to do in Delaware besides visit a screen door factory? Nothing. The video says it all. Delaware's at the very end, but it's there:

  • 5. Nashville, TN: Tennessee's second entrant in the top ten, Nashville is a moonshinin', ten-gallon-hat-wearin', hog-callin', cotton-pickin', fried-chicken eatin', bible-readin', hee-hawin' hick of a city. The only way you could get angry living in this town is if you were originally from somewhere else. Git 'er dun!

  • 4. Baltimore, MD: Baltimore is an "independent city", meaning it considers itself too good to be part of any county. It's citizens take a similar approach to life, and whenever things don't go their way, they respond with a lot of negative jibba-jabba. Someone needs to explain to Baltimore that poop on the boots can always be washed off.

  • 3. Detroit, MI: Everybody's favorite cesspool of drugs and filth, accompanied by a cloud of toxic fumes: Detroit is the city you can smell. Built on a solid foundation of domestic violence, unemployment, random assault, and abuse of inexpensive alcohol, Detroit is a winner all-around. With an estimated 94% of the population bound straight for hell, it's easy to see why Detroit is near the top of this list.

  • 2. St. Petersburg, FL: Located just across the bay from Tampa, St. Pete's makes up for its modest size by boasting the most prostitutes-per-square-mile in Florida. Complete with a wide array of trashy, second-rate strip clubs (most of which are open for lunch), Pinellas County is the toothless stripper's version of Broadway: If you can't make it here, you can't make it.

  • 1. Orlando, FL: This one is best explained by the help of our favorite douchebag, Oliver. He may be from Michigan, but he embodies the essence of Orlando.

The entire list is available for those of you who are interested.

Other notable entries:

  • 19. Indianapolis: Very underrated, should be in the top-ten.
  • 32. Cleveland, OH: "The Mistake by the Lake"
  • 50. Fort Wayne, IN: Even the homeless people stay away from Fort Wayne.
  • 70. Jersey City, NJ: No comment.
  • 97. Corpus Christi, TX: Just give it back to Mexico.


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