Leave the Hot Pipes to Us

Bring it back.

The picture on the left is the "before" picture. The picture on the right is the "after" picture, taken just a few days ago. Joe "Showtime" Crede needs to switch barbers.

Bring back the gritfeather, Joe.

The Chinese Melon

We believe that a huge congratulations should go out to the Sistrunk family from Converse, Louisiana. For the past 5 months, they have carefully tended to their watermelon patch, eventually producing a beast of a melon that shattered the state record. The melon weighed in at 252.4 lbs. The smallest in their patch weighed 190 lbs.

Everybody is happy about this great achievement, except of course for The Melon Man.

That's right... gay sheep.

Following up on a story we received in our mailbag, it turns out that the morons over at Oregon State University are at it again. Apparently, they are senselessly slaughtering male rams by the dozens in an attempt to "cure" gayness.

The man leading the experiments is Dr. Charles Roselli, who is probably a "doctor" in the same way that Dr. Mario, Dr. Octagon, and Dr. I-Don't-Know were "doctors."

Good work, jackasses in Oregon. Slaughtering a whole bunch of sheep to teach us more about human nature...

What's next? Slaughtering cheetahs to learn about quickness? Butchering beagles who hump people's legs in order to improve Viagra? Murdering apes who smoke Cuban cigars? It's ridiculous.

Besides, sheep aren't the only animals who can be gay... And since our main-man Pan seems to have vanished off the face of the earth, we now leave you with another Borat clip: