How A Young Man Lives

Pipes.

Every once in a while, we gotta do an update post. You know, to tie up a few loose ends.

First up? Jose Cans.

He got the start, he threw the knuckler, it didn't dance, and he got rocked. Despite his God-awful pitching line, Jose claimed that "it felt pretty good." If we understand this correctly, he is also batting .169 on the season...

Secondly, that legendary mystery beast that was hit by a car a few days ago in Maine? Turns out it was probably just a dog. The thing had been terrorising people for years out there, and there was speculation that it was a wolf, dingo, coyote, or possibly some type of cross-bred, half-blood mutation.

In the pictures that we saw, it sure as shit looked like a dog.

This is "Dr. I Don't Know"

Very soon, the autumn wind will begin blowing through, and the leaves will begin to turn, and the days will shorten as our side of the world slowly tilts away from the sun, and hopefully, Clinton Portis will again entertain us every Thursday with his press conferences.

Each week, the national public was given an unabridged look into the lonely, troubled mind of a 24-year-old man with more money than most companies make in a year. However, these intricately-staged performances, like all things Portis, continue to differentiate him from his peers. He pulls out all the stops, and his true character comes out.

Here is a list of all his characters, in case you all forgot:

• The Mad Scientist
  
• Southeast Jerome
  
• Dr. I Don't Know
  
• Sherriff Gonna Getcha
  
• Dollah Bill
  
• Reverend Gonna Change
  
• Bro Sweets
  
• Inspector Two-Two
  
• Coach Janky-Spanky
  
• Coconut Jones
  
• Sir Lend-Me-A-Hand

But, even better than that, the good folks down at The Big Lead have found out a little more about Portis. In a very well-written piece by Esquire pen-man Chris Jones, entitled "How a Young Man Lives", the life of Portis is documented with surprising candidness, direction, and reality. Take this description of Portis' grand Virginia mansion, for instance:

A fish tank in every room, for starters. His obsession with them also began in college, during his sophomore year, when his roommate bought one and suddenly their cinder-block cell felt like a pad. The most elaborate of his current collection has been reserved for his bedroom, where the magic happens. More specifically, it's reserved for his bed, the headboard of which consists of an aquarium that nearly reaches the ceiling, a square-shouldered arch filled with salt water, coral, fish, and a freakishly large sea anemone that looks an awful lot like a gaping vagina.

Anyone else not surprised? That's pretty much textbook Portis right there, fits right in with everything else.

Read the entire article, it's a fine piece of literature.