Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Poop on the Boots Can Always Be Washed Off

Chalk one up for the goldfish tenders.

You won't hear us admit this often, but we here at HPO were wrong.

At this time, we would like to offer our most sincere apologies to the fine Japanese people, who soundly proved their field-ball prowess in the international limelight.

So, if we offended anyone, anyone at all, we are sorry. But can you really blame us?

Correct us if we're wrong, but didn't Japan come into this whole thing riding a cockstrong tsunami of boasting, bollocking, and brags? Were they not the first ones to sling mud on an otherwise pure multi-national convention of baseball-loving nations?

Be that as it may, their dominance was clear from day one, and we for one are forced to wonder just who is king of the mountain in a sport that is plagued with scandal, controversy, and crapulence, at least within the borders of our Union.

If you hadn't been laid in 25 years, would you be this happy?

As Adriana Lima bounced down the runway in Nice, what the men in the audience remembered most was her countless philanthropic contributions, her unrelenting patriotism, and her love for children of all races.

But, according to a story recently published in GQ, via deadspin, this presumptuous primadonna is actually claiming to be a virgin.

If this makes you mad, just think about what it's doing to Lenny Kravitz.

He's always been just like a little puppy dog.

Now, he wants an apology. Makes sense.

In other news, Iran has officially petitioned to the UN and NATO to have its name changed to "Backwards Land." Their president, Mahmouod Ahmadinejad, claims that this is a fitting name for Iran because there, left is right, up is down, you hang up the phone before it rings, and hamburgers eat people. Oh yeah, and another reason why he wants it to be called Backwards Land is because, apparently, in Iran, you apologize to people after they threaten to nuke their neighbors and then take half of the world hostage with the nuclear weapons that are being developed by their crackpot nuclear scientists, who probably couldn't even get a leisure studies degree from Arizona State.


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