Hot Pipes Online: The biggest toad in the puddle

JAMBALAYA

2010-02-07T07:25:00.004-06:00

Meltdown.

THIS JUST IN: AUSTRALIA SUCKS

2009-08-24T15:36:00.004-05:00

Physical or mental?

When we read today's story on the internets, we didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. Actually, that's not true. We did know. We laughed uncontrollably, then tried to think of a way to get rid of Australia, and then cried uncontrollably when we realized it wasn't happening anytime soon.

From the New Zealand Herald:

Aussie man glued to toilet in 'sick' prank

Aug 24, 2009

CAIRNS - Authorities in far north Queensland are outraged after a "sick joke" forced the humiliating rescue of a man who became stuck to the seat of a shopping centre toilet.

Police and community leaders have appealed for public help to find the prankster or pranksters responsible for the incident, which resulted in the 58-year-old man being taken to hospital.

Ambulance officers were called about 10.30am (AEST) on Saturday to rescue the man after he sat on toilet seat which had been smeared with a fast-acting adhesive.

He was forced to undergo the humiliation of leaving the Cairns Central shopping centre with the seat still attached to his behind, in full view of a busy crowd of Saturday morning shoppers.

Police say he was then taken to hospital where staff removed the fixture using industrial strength solvents.

The man is said to be extremely embarrassed by the ordeal.

Cairns City Council community safety committee chair Di Forsyth hit out at the offenders and called for members of the public to help identify them.

"I'm disgusted that a gentlemen has had to go through that because someone thinks it's funny - it's a sick joke," she told AAP.

"I think the community would be outraged and quite rightly so ... it's quite a dangerous prank."

Police are investigating the incident.

Yeah, right. Whatever. You stupid Australians. This is just one little raindrop in the river of your ineptitude. Longer than the Nile, wider than the Amazon, and reeking of manure like the Ganges, is there no limit to Australia's crapulence?

Haven't you learned ANYTHING from Russell Crowe?*

Whatever.

The old 419.

So, a little while ago we blogged about the old 419.

Today, we checked our email and we actually got one:

On Sat, Jun 13, 2009 at 3:17 PM, otu nabo wrote:
I will like you to help me, in the transfer of fund worth
($7.5Million) into your account, we have to share it 70%
to 30% and i believe that you can not cheat me after the
transfer, i will send you more detail about this transfer as
soon as i hear from you. pls reply at:otuu1@voila.fr

How much of an idiot would you have to be to believe this junk? People must believe it, if they've been sending emails for years and they're still doing it now... Why don't we get a real detective working on this case and take care of it once and for all.

* We are not actually sure if Russell Crowe is Australian or not. He may be.

I Smell Varmit Poon Tang

2009-02-13T07:58:00.002-06:00

Watch out for the 'coons.

He Gone

2009-01-30T02:44:00.002-06:00

"You're welcome, America!"

Come on, admit it - there's a little part of you, somewheres deep inside, that's sad to see Dubya leave...

It's A Trap

2008-11-20T05:23:00.002-06:00

How dumb can you be?

When we first read the story of Janella Spears, a 60-year-old woman from a small town in Oregon, we laughed out loud. And we still laugh to this day.

From our favorite newspaper:

An American woman has revealed how she was swindled out of $400,000 (£269,000) by Nigerian internet fraudsters, in what is believed to be one of the biggest cases of its kind ever recorded.

Janella Spears, a registered nurse from Sweet Home, Oregon, said she started sending money to the scammers in 2005 after she received an email promising her several million dollars from a long-lost relative. In what is commonly known as a 419 scam - named after a section of the Nigerian criminal code - the fraudsters randomly contacted Spears over the internet, claiming they would offer her a substantial cut of $20.5m fortune in return for the cash injection which would help move it out of the country.

Despite advice from bank officials, police and even the FBI that the scheme was a ruse, Spears said she continued to send cash in the hope of a large pay-off. Even fake emails claiming to be from the President of Nigeria and US president George Bush could not dissuade her.

In the end she became obsessed and sent the fraudsters more than $400,000, which she raised by remortgaging her home and spending her husband's retirement savings.

Seems pretty dumb, right?

Well, it is pretty dumb. We understand that the fraudsters knew her grandfather's name, occupation, and some history. But to blow your house, car, and husband's retirement on a Nigerian fraud ring is pretty outrageous, especially considering a few key points of information:

1) Repeated warnings from her bank and the FBI that this was a scam

2) The fraudsters sent her letters which they claimed were written by George W Bush and the director of the FBI

3) The letters contained many suspicious grammatical and spelling mistakes

4) All email addresses used by the fraudsters were from public-domain websites (like yahoo)

We feel sorry for her, but this lady is pretty dumb. She got fooled by one of the oldest internet scams out there, and she missed a hell of a lot of signs which told her that this scam stunk. Almost all of us have received one of these scam emails before, and they all look the same: Strange names, even stranger events, suspicious email addresses, spelling mistakes.

A lot of red flags and warning signs.

So why did this lady go through with it? Quite simply put, Janella Spears allowed herself to be scammed because she so desparately wanted the news to be true. She wanted the money so bad that she would do anything to get it - including wasting away her hard-earned worth.

The wikipedia article, aside from being an interesting read, also provides some scary facts. She is lucky to have not ended up worse:

Victims are almost always requested to travel to Nigeria or a border country to complete a transaction. Individuals are often told that a visa will not be necessary to enter the country. The Nigerian con artists may then bribe airport officials to pass the victims through Immigration and Customs. Because it is a serious offence in Nigeria to enter without a valid visa, the victim's illegal entry may be used by the fraudsters as leverage to coerce the victims into releasing funds. Violence and threats of physical harm may be employed to further pressure victims.

Where the magic happens...

According to the US State Department, 15 foreigners have been murdered as a result of this type of scam in Nigeria over the past 3 years - that's one person evey two months. This scam has become so bad that the State Department has said "Nigerian organized crime rings running fraud schemes through the mail and phone lines are now so large, they represent a serious financial threat to the country.” Moreover, the State Department claims that these financial fraud schemes are implicitly tied to the illegal drug trade, saying that approximately 35% of the world's heroin trade is controlled by Nigerian gangsters, possibly the same ones who bribed Mrs. Spears.

So, while we continue to laugh at the quite unintelligent Mrs. Spears, we are also quite happy that she never actually travelled to Nigeria in pursuit of the money. She could have ended up in big big trouble, and nobody would've wanted that.

Today's Animal News

2008-11-06T03:18:00.006-06:00

Equality.

When we read this story from today's news, we were shocked, disturbed, outraged, shocked and disturbed. We have not seen this kind of blatant chicken prejudice since the days of Oscar De La Pollo. With Barry Obama being elected, we thought that racism and hatred would be wiped away. But no - we now have before us irrefutable proof that the world is just as bigoted today as it was when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr was shot on that balcony in Memphis. But can't we take Dr. King's poignant words, professing the equality of all men, and apply them to chicken equality as well? Well, we here at HPO have had enough of this hen hatred, this poultry prejudice, this rooster racism, these Uncle Tom Turkeys!

Read for yourselves:

Ill. police take aggressive rooster into custody
BENTON, Ill. (AP) — A rooster played chicken in the wrong town. That's the word from the downstate community of Benton, where police took a rooster into custody after it allegedly confronted a woman and her child. Police Chief Mike O'Neill said the rooster has been bothering people lately, trying to keep them from getting where they want to go.
O'Neill said officers had enough on Monday and took the rooster into custody after what he described as a brief scuffle.
Nobody was injured and the rooster was thrown in an enclosed area near the police department. There, it lived on chicken feed and water until police located the owner.
Chickens aren't allowed to live in Benton and the rooster was turned over to the owner only after he promised to find it a new home in the country.

Oh, the horror! First of all, how is it even possible for a rooster to "confront" a woman and child? Was he armed? Did he want money, or simply bread crumbs? Secondly, how did police officers (plural) have a "brief scuffle" with a rooster? Was this a rooster that was trained in hand-to-beak combat? Did the rooster outweigh the cops by a couple hundred pounds? Why were multiple officers required? Why was there even a scuffle, for God's sake? This sounds suspiciously similar to the Rodney King incident back in 1991.

Hidden-camera photo of the horrid conditions in Benton Federal "Hen-itentiary."

Equally disturbing is the sentence "Chickens aren't allowed to live in Benton." That's just charming. Police law banning chickens from their town? Sounds like fascism to us!!! You know, it's funny that Benton Police claim that chickens aren't allowed in their town - because a quick internet search revealed no less than three chicken restaurants in Benton, Illinois! The proof is in the pudding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Benton. We hear you loud and clear: If it's fajitas or hot wings, bring on the poultry. But if it's a "troublesome" rooster, you run it out of town. Well, we sincerely hope you enjoy your communism, you degenerate low-life scumbags. Next time we drive through your crap-water, one-horse, po-dunk ghost town, we will not stop and say hello. We are ashamed. The King must be rolling over in his over-sized grave.

Watch out for them foxes.

Our next animal story is downright disturbing. The headline reads "Jogger runs mile with rabid fox locked on her arm."

The headline is disturbing enough, but if you read the details of what happened, it gets worse:

The jogger, a Chino Valley resident, told the Animal Control Officer she was attacked while running a trail around 4:45 P.M. at the base of Granite Mountain. She was about a mile into her run, when she came upon a fox in a clearing adjacent to the trail. The fox did not initially appear aggressive, but as she backed away, he attacked by lunging at her feet. He bit her foot and then started towards her knee, at which time she grabbed him by the neck in an attempt to pull him away. When she did this, the fox bit into her arm and would not release his bite even as she tried to choke him. Assuming the fox was rabid and understanding that containing the animal for testing would be essential, she ran back towards car with the fox still maintaining a bite in her arm. Once at her car, she was able to pull the fox's jaw open, release his grip on her arm, and wrap the fox tightly in a sweatshirt she had been wearing. She threw the fox into the trunk of her car and drove quickly to Yavapai Regional Medical Center.

That's some scary shit right there. A pissed-off squirrel is scary enough, let alone a whoremongering fox from hell, blood-crazed and bent on revenge. Have scary stories taught us nothing? Why do you women continue jogging in the woods alone?

Whatever. This is one of the highest-rated youtube video clips of all time:

Amazing Grace

2008-11-05T03:58:00.003-06:00

A clean sweep.

It is official: Barack "and roll" Obama "lama-ding-dong", also known as 'Barry', is the next president of the United States of America.

His victory speech, given in front of a massive crowd in Chicago's Grant Park (which also happens to be the best park in the world), brought people together: Mothers cried for sons who fell in the dust of Iraq, families cried for an end to eight years of struggle, Jesse Jackson cried because Barry finally succeeded at the very task at which he failed, and a nation rejoiced in restored faith in a dying ideal.

The end is the beginning.

In his victory speech, Barry asks if anyone out there still doubts the system. It is a valid question. It is valid because up until yesterday, everyone had their doubts. What kind of normal person would not have had doubts, given what happened back in 2000? America was waiting for the next Katherine Harris to come along and steal the election for the Republicans.

We shan't be blaming them for doubting. But we shall be thanking them for coming out and voting - nobody expected this kind of a turnout, so it is safe to say that the spark has been lit.

Red vs blue.

They came out and they voted. Nobody is suprised that the South voted McCain, and that New England voted Obama. Alaska, Hawaii, West Coast - according to plan. But because of states like Indiana, Iowa, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, the Republicans lost key electoral votes and the Democrats managed to sweep the Great Lakes/Big Ten area. Florida, notorious for the aforementioned clusterfuck back in 2000, proved momentarily contentious.

A statement was made, loudly and proudly. But, although the campaign has ended, the fight is just beginning. If the whole election was a hurdle for Barry Obama, then the next four years will be the remainder of the marathon. It certainly won't be getting any easier.

Have Another One

2008-11-04T04:13:00.003-06:00

That's some nice drinkin.

When we read the news today, we found one story that totally violated all laws of common sense and normal thinking. It just doesn't seem like a good idea.

But when we read this next story, we were truly shocked. Apparently, a "normal Australian family" (no need to explain why that one is in quotation marks) was served gelato with human feces in it at a well-known Australian pub. Allegedly, the family was given the gelato after repeatedly asking the staff at the pub to turn down the volume.

Jessica Whyte, the woman whose ice cream was pooed in, described the situation:

Later, this huge bowl of ice-cream arrived at our table as a 'sorry for all the hassle'.There were four scoops including vanilla, chocolate and hazelnut. At the bottom, there appeared to be chocolate. Greedily, I went for it ahead of the kids. Thank heavens I did. The stench, the taste … I spat the food into a napkin and immediately I was sick. There was no doubting what it was. The whole family became hysterical. My poor son screamed at one of their staff: 'You made my mum eat poo.'

Her husband, Stephen, was later approached by the restaurant owner and offered $5000 to keep quiet. His reply: "I think you're missing the point here. My wife and children sat down in your pub and were served a bowl of free ice-cream containing faeces."

While this is yet another shining example of the sparkling class and unquestionable dignity that has long been the trademark of traditional Australian culture, it also reminds us of the gay anthem"Gelato Cioccolato":

Gary Busey Is Nuts

2008-11-03T06:37:00.004-06:00

Have you taken your pills, Mr. Busey?

The "...Is Nuts" series has long been a fan favorite here at HPO. This is a recurring theme in which we portray the darker sides of Hollywood celebrities in an effort to bring the unblinking eye of the public spotlight on their borderline insanity (sometimes, it ain't very borderline at all). In the past, we brought you Steven Seagal, Russel Crowe, James Brown, and Tom Cruise. We now bring you Gary Busey.

So, dear readers, once again, here we go.

Exhibit A: Gary Busey suffered severe and permanent brain damage from a motorcycle accident in 1988. Busey, who was not wearing a helmet, "underwent two hours of neurosurgery" following the one-vehicle incident. His wife, who had been with Busey since before their son was born 19 years prior, divorces Busey in 1990. His loving wife, his faithful companion for the better part of a quarter of a century, divorces him within 2 years of his motorcycle accident...

Exhibit B: According to our favorite newspaper (and according to Busey himself), the rock-bottom Gary Busey moment is when he dropped several bags of cocaine on the floor and his dog began rolling around in the shit. Busey, not missing a step, was quick to react, and describes the situation first hand:

And I went in like a crop-duster, with my nose flying first and snorted the cocaine off the dog... Back, butt, side. Not a spot was left. It took me 25 minutes to snort all the cocaine the dog had on her coat. The fringe benefits of this were that the fleas, the dog hair, the mud, and the sweat went in my nose, too. It's not a good flavour coming off the dog.

That's right, everyone, you heard it here first: Gary Busey snorted cocaine off his dog.

Exhibit C: "Tell 'em you're from Tennessee!"

Give us a kiss.

Exhibit D: Gary Busey, pictured above kissing a monkey, eats in the dark. He says he enjoys eating in the dark because it's adventurous: "That's what's so great about eating in the dark. Yeah, I eat a lot. I eat in the dark, I don't know what I'm eating... Exciting. An adventure. A journey. Yeah, life is an adventure. It's a celebration of honoring the truth of yourself."

Why on earth would anybody ever eat in the dark?

Exhibit E: Gary Busey flips out while being interviewed by an eleven year old girl. We would like to highlight the fact that this poor girl is just 11 years old for the love of God:

Apparently, the eleven year old girl didn't take lessons on the proper way of interviewing Gary Busey... Which leads us to Exhibit F!

Exhibit F: How to properly interview Gary Busey.

Exhibit G: Busey is, in a very general sense, deeply psychotic. His perception of reality is very skewed and off-kilter. We could literally go on for years and years discussing this, but that would be a huge waste of time and we don't know if that's such a good idea. Let us put it this way: We are very comfortably saying, without a hint of exaggeration or hyperbole whatsoever, that Gary Busey is by far the craziest and most psychotic individual in the entire history of the whole human race.

Hello, my name is disturbance.

So, while we are perfectly aware that this post has gotten pretty video-heavy, we can't help it. We were scanning the internets for something that would properly represent the essence, the soul, of Gary Busey.

And we think we may have found it.

This clip, entitled "Deep Inside the Mind of Busey", is deep. Very deep. So get ready, because here it comes.

Exhibit H: Deep Inside the Mind of Busey

Conclusion: Gary Busey is, in fact, completely insane.

Eight Years Gone

2008-10-29T04:04:00.004-05:00

You'll have that.

The world ain't exactly lookin' too hot these days. Lots of problems. Tons of them. So just how much has it changed over the past 8 years? Well, for one, Bushy looks a lot older. We think he may be a bit stressed out.

Let's do a little comparison, shall we?

8 years ago (we all remember this):

Today's version:

Shame On You, Boston

2008-10-28T05:12:00.004-05:00

You people oughta be ashamed of yourselves.

Boston broke a new record in futility the other night, and we must say that we are genuinely shocked. If it had been a greyhound or a bull mastiff or something, we would have got it.

But a toy poodle?

Runaway poodle delays flights at Boston airport
BOSTON (AP) — Choochy the poodle is a "runway runaway."
Boston's Logan International Airport officials say Choochy escaped from her kennel as she was being unloaded after a flight from Detroit Saturday night and scampered across runways and taxiways.
Airport spokesman Phil Orlandella says the poodle evaded airport personnel for more than 17 hours and delayed at least eight flights.
About 15 state police, firefighters, operations personnel and even electricians chased Choochy late into the night, delaying flights for up 30 minutes.
Orlandella says the poodle was frightened, tired and hungry when she was finally lured to safety with food early Sunday afternoon.
The dog was treated for minor injuries at an animal hospital and returned to her family.

Those 15 firefighters and policemen and electricians... we have a few ideas about what to do with them.

Obadass

2008-10-21T05:16:00.003-05:00

Hello Washington.

Obama's speech was good, but it wasn't the best speech we ever heard.

Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses McCain Off Even More

2008-10-16T15:38:00.002-05:00

John McCain is a maverick.

Everybody knows John McCain is a maverick. But what you may not know is that John McCain is also a crappy pilot, accused of losing five Navy aircraft:

1960 - McCain crashes his plane into Corpus Christi Bay while practicing landings - he claims the engine quit on him. An investigation reveals no evidence of engine failure.

1961 - McCain admits to "clowning around" in his plane over Spain, crashing into power lines causing a blackout which left Spaniards without electricity.

1964 - McCain crashes a Navy training plane while flying solo on his way to a college football game in Philadelphia.

1967 - McCain's plane is destroyed in an explosion on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

1967 - McCain's plane is shot down over Hanoi; he is captured.

Let's consult with the experts:

Three mishaps are unusual," said Michael L. Barr, a former Air Force pilot with 137 combat missions in Vietnam and an internationally known aviation safety expert who teaches in USC's Aviation Safety and Security Program. "After the third accident, you would say: Is there a trend here in terms of his flying skills and his judgment?"

Jeremiah Pearson, a Navy officer who flew 400 missions over Vietnam without a mishap and later became the head of human spaceflight at NASA, said: "That's a lot. You don't want any. Maybe he was just unlucky."

"Unlucky"? That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it, Jeremiah?!?

If McCain was a raging bull as a pilot, as a debater he can only be referred to as a deer in the headlights:

And if McCain is a deer, that makes Sarah Palin a big lumbering dinosaur who seems to think that the great state of New Hampshire is located in the Northwest. God help us if these people get elected.

Britney Spears Attractive?

2008-10-13T20:05:00.004-05:00

Not too bad.

Contrary to all common sense, logical thought, and academic reasoning, Britney Spears came out with a new video in which she actually looks decent. While this may shock the general public, we here at HPO have always thought that sooner or later Britney would be back to her pickle-tickling ways.

Her career has been a tumultuous roller-coaster ride, filled with dizzying highs and devastating lows. She looked like a million bucks on stage with Michael Jackson, then looked like a soccer hooligan named Terry, then went tongues-in with Madonna in front of a shocked crowd, and then even looked like a slightly-confused sea lion.

But now, she actually looks pretty damn good in her new video:

Suck

2008-10-09T07:23:00.005-05:00

Line 'em up.

John McCain's is not very good at debating, but I think we all agree that his debate strategy was better than Sarah Palin's debate strategy. Aside from his idiotic remarks in Nashville, McCain has been making many other faux-pas along the way:

Have You Forgotten How Good Palin Tastes?

2008-10-08T03:00:00.002-05:00

Boy, these things sure are fast!

Sarah Palin week continues here at HPO, and man are we excited about it. She is just so intelligent, charismatic, well-travelled, worldly, classy, and dignified. Wait a minute, that's incorrect - we meant the opposite. The exact opposite. What we meant was that she is completely incompetent and she wouldn't know class if it came up and bit her in the ass.

But man, could she play some basketball!

Palin demostrates the three-man weave.

Aside from her mad hooping skills on the court, Palin is also a hell of an outdoorsman. Equally at home casting a dry fly into a sparkling-clean northern stream for rising salmon under the violet skies of a glorious Alaskan sunrise, or gracefully shooting timberwolves from the comfort of her very own helicopter, Palin never met an animal she couldn't kill. Look out, bull moose everywhere, because Sarah Palin is out there and she smells blood!

Per-doo was killin' Mich'gin err-lee on!

Sarah Palin Is Busy, Logical

2008-10-07T02:56:00.005-05:00

Moose: It's what's for dinner.

Following the sane, logical, button-down theme of this election, it is now rumored that Governor Palin will be appearing on Saturday Night Live to get back at Tina Fey for her spot-on portrayal of the Governor during last week's show:

Some key McCain staffers are content with Palin joking about the "SNL" routines on the campaign trail -- as when she scribbled "I'm not Tina Fey" on a supporter's cell phone and said she'd dressed as Fey on Halloween. But others -- including the governor herself -- think a return punch on the NBC airwaves is what's needed.

Now, we never claimed to be political experts, but common sense is telling us that at such a critical moment in the election, taking a week of your time to prepare for an appearance on a sketch comedy show maybe a bit of a stretch. Now, we all know that SNL has had its side-splitting moments, so a potential Palin appearance does have its upside. On the other hand, it's not like we haven't seen Palin making an ass out of herself on live network TV before.

All this is pretty scary. We can remember the good old days, before the Vice Presidential candidates were announced. The Republican party was bashing Obama, saying that his pick for VP was invariably going to be someone from one of the swing states. The Republicans claimed Obama would pick his running mate to win votes, not for the good of the country. The Republicans claimed that Obama would pick his VP for political reasons.

The irony here is shockingly disturbing.

Oburgers.

After predicting Obama would select his running mate for political reasons, McCain then selects Sarah Palin as his running mate! Palin, a woman he had never met before in his life, is the most political pick he could have made. Ask yourself: "Did McCain pick Sarah Palin because she will make good decisions if elected, or did he pick her to win votes?"

To put things into perspective, look at Obama's running mate (Joseph "Joe" Biden), and ask yourself the same question. Obama, who has been criticized for lacking experience and foreign policy knowledge, picked Biden because he is experienced and very knowledgable about foreign policy. Biden is from Delaware, a state which doesn't really matter on election day.

Where's the politics in that?

There are a whole lot of things which don't really make sense in this election.

You Betcha!

2008-10-05T15:04:00.000-05:00

This Is a Joke, Right?

2008-10-04T19:16:00.004-05:00

"Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe?"

If the American public elects McCain and Palin, we here at HPO seriously think it's gonna be high time we all head to Canada. Seriously, after watching this brunette bimbo babble brainlessly for the better part of two hours, we needed a bottle of Ripple and a pack of Marlboro Reds to bring us back to reality.

Even more disturbing than the fact that she believes that global warming is not caused by man, even more disturbing than the fact that her answer to calls for free public health care is a $500 tax credit, even more disturbing than the fact that she knows absolutely nothing about the world ouside of Alaska, is the fact that somehow, someway, this floozy was asked to be John McCain's running mate.

McCain sure as shit didn't pick her - he hadn't even met her before! But somehow, she made it this far, and if there are enough idiot americans out there that are willing to vote for her because they buy into her "you betcha" bullshit, the US and A are in some serious trouble.

Palin winks during the debate.

Seriously, who winks at the camera during the vice presidential debate? Is it a big joke? Is she hitting on the cameraman? It's a little bit insulting, really, to think that this kinda crap is acceptable to the American public.

Joe Biden was not much better, but at least he "kept it in his pants" and didn't resort to winking at the camera. He completely fell apart when inaccurately discussing the Middle East, his supposed strong suit. Had Palin any international knowledge whatsoever, she might have called him out on it. But no, she grinned, and took it, and even hit the sob-story button when wistfully proposing that the American embassy in Israel be moved to Jerusalem.

Hey, Palin... Listen up: If you had ever been to Israel before, you would know that Jerusalem is a dangerous place, right on the border with the Palestinians. The American embassy seems perfectly safe and secure right where it is now, on a busy Tel Aviv avenue, facing the white beaches which line the sparkling Mediterranean, miles away from the nearest security fence or West Bank checkpoint. Maybe if you bothered doing your homework, you would know these things.

OK, so here are some Sarah Palin quotes from the debate (NOTE: All quotes are REAL, and appear EXACTLY as Palin said them):

"Nice to meet you. Hey, can I call you Joe?"

"One thing that Americans do, at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves, just, everyday American people, Joe Six-pack, Hockey Moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say 'Never Again.'"

"Straight up"

"Uh, that is not so, but, because that's just a quick answer - I wanna talk about, again, uh, my... record on... energy, versus, your ticket's energy... ticket, also, uh."

"Certainly, accounting for different conditions in that different country and conditions are certainly different."

"Barack Obama had 94 opportunities to side on the people's side."

"But, here again, there have there have been so many changes, in the.. conditions of our economy, in just.. even these past weeks, says there has been more and more revelation made aware now to americans about the corruption and the greed on wall street."

"It is a crisis - it's a toxic mess on main street that's affecting wall street."

"I'm not one to attribute every man, uh, activity of man to the changes in the climate there is something to be said also, for man's activities but also for the cyclical temperature changes on our planet. But there are real changes goin' on in our climate. But I don't wanna argue about the causes."

"Barack Obama and Senator Obiden (sic) you have said no to everything"

"With tiny footprints, even on land, it is safe to drill"

"And heaven forbid, yes, that that would ever happen, um, no matter how this ends up, that that would EVER happen, with either party, um, as for disagreeing with John McCain, and how our administration would work, whaddya expect, a team of mavericks."

Palin Is Honest, Smart

2008-10-03T03:15:00.002-05:00

Yee-haw!

Sarah Palin, apparently, lied about some of the things she claimed in her RNC speech. Yes, yes - we know. It's hard to believe that any politician, especially one as wholesome, well-respected, and intelligent as Palin, would ever tell a lie, but the proof is in the pudding:

It's gotten so bad that political expert Matt Damon has chipped in his two cents:

If you doubt Matt Damon's political resume (or that of his butt-buddy Affleck), this should alleviate all doubts:

Palin Remains Idiotic

2008-10-02T04:56:00.003-05:00

Well, I - uh - yes!

Sarah Palin seems to be better at embarrasing herself than Dubya is... Which is pretty hard to do, when you think about it. But, she seems to be well on her way.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

2008-10-01T08:33:00.002-05:00

Sarah Palin only smiles like this after killing a moose with her bare hands.

Boy, it must be exhausting to be Sarah Palin. Running around all day long, chasing moose, strangling moose, skinning moose, chopping up the moose, grinding the moose, forming the moose into burger patties, grilling the moose burgers, and so on. How does she manage to find time to ~~continue embarassing herself in the public spotlight by proving again and again that she is an uneducated red-neck~~ continue campaigning?

So, in this first video, Palin pretty much just behaves like a total nincompoop. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot - this is more like French-kissing the business end of a 10-gauge...

Right. And just when we all thought she couldn't lower the bar anymore, she further goes on to claim that she reads all newspapers. EVERY SINGLE ONE. When the newslady asks her to name a few of the papers she reads, Palin dodges the question and refuses to do it.

It's pretty clear that Palin doesn't even know what a Vice-President does, because if she did, she would probably realize that a Vice-President gets asked a lot harder questions than "Which newspapers do you read?".

So maybe, in all fairness, she's just practicing her question-dodging skills... But we don't really think that sounds plausible.

Guess who's NOT ready to be Vice President?

2008-09-30T04:34:00.002-05:00

Whaddy'a say?

Sarah Palin is probably the worst female representative of the United States of America since Miss South Carolina and her opinions about "the Iraq." If you are a fan of Miss Palin, well then our argument probably won't work on you, but we figure we still owe it to the internets to bring your attention to this:

That's charming, Palin. Really convincing stuff you got there, you nutcase.

(Direct quote): "Our next door neighbors are foreign countries - they're in the state that I am the executive of."

Earth to Palin: Russia and Canada are NOT located in the State of Alaska!

Earth to Palin part 2: Never end a sentence in a preposition!

What a moronic woman. Her whole argument is essentially this: Because she can see Russia from Alaska, that makes her a foreign policy expert. That's a little bit weird.

Palin - good choice if you're looking for a woman to hunt, kill, skin, barbeque, and then make a rug out of a moose. Bad choice if you're looking for the next Vice President.

WTF

2008-09-25T09:09:00.003-05:00

Yee-haw.

Well, we haven't posted in a while, and we apologize to all of our readers (yes, all 8 of them), but what a way to come back to the top, baby!

Man charged after allegedly passing gas toward cop

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (AP) — A West Virginia man who police said passed gas and fanned it toward a patrolman has been charged with battery on a police officer.
Jose A. Cruz, 34, of Clarksburg, was pulled over early Tuesday for driving without headlights, police said. According to the criminal complaint, Cruz smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and failed three field sobriety tests before he was handcuffed and taken to a police station for a breathalyzer test.
As Patrolman T.E. Parsons prepared the machine, Cruz scooted his chair toward Parsons, lifted his leg and "passed gas loudly," the complaint said.
Cruz, according to complaint, then fanned the gas toward the officer.
"The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature with Patrolman Parsons," the complaint alleged.
He was also charged with driving under the influence, driving without headlights and two counts of obstruction.
Cruz acknowledged passing gas, but said he didn't move his chair toward the officer nor aim gas at the patrolman. He said he had an upset stomach at the time, but police denied his request to go to the bathroom when he first arrived at the station.
"I couldn't hold it no more," he said.
He also denied being drunk and uncooperative as the police complaint alleged. He added he was upset at being prepared for a breathalyzer test while having an asthma attack. The police statement said he later resisted being secured for a trip to a hospital that he requested for asthma treatment.
Cruz said the officers thought the gas incident was funny when it happened and laughed about it with him.
"This is ridiculous," he said. "I could be facing time."

Yeah, so charging some drunken Mexican with battery for farting NEAR a cop is insane. It's like going to a restaurant, ordering some food, having them bring it to your table, they let you smell it, then they take it back in the kitchen, but you still get charged full-price. Sounds like Communism to me. We don't think this is the American way.

Anne Hathaway Cares About Her Image

2008-06-26T03:15:00.005-05:00

Excuse me Miss - do you have a license to carry those guns?

Anne Hathaway dumped her boyfriend a few weeks ago. This week, Anne Hathaway's boyfriend got arrested on wire fraud and money laundering charges. There was an FBI investifation into his investment business, and the official US court affidavit alleges that he stole over $4 million.

Hmmmm.... Very clever, Anne Hathaway. Either Anne Hathaway has the best timing ever. Or, Anne Hathaway knew about his shady little operation all along. Why else would Anne Hathaway break up with this guy? He is Italian, he has an obnoxious-sounding Italian name, and he spent thousands of dollars on food and luxury condos and Carribean vacations.

Anne Hathaway.

Sounds like Anne Hathaway was ready to marry this guy: "I enjoy living with him so much, but we're in his apartment and we've decided that it's time to find where our home is going to be. If we get a house as opposed to an apartment, the first two floors will be a bit more traditional for him to be able to receive people, and the top two floors will be whatever I want."

Yes, Anne Hathaway, we know you were quite fond of this guy.

So, can we really blame Anne Hathaway for dumping him just before Uncle Sam sets his bail at $21 million just to save her precious acting career? No, we can't. We can't blame Anne Hathaway. Because this guy just seems like a total douchebag. The obnoxious, self-promoting website. The total douche-face. His childish behavior in court (via the AP):

An angry Follieri repeatedly interrupted his lawyer at a court appearance to tell her what to say. He shook his head at times and, as a prosecutor accused him of owing various debts, called out: "We paid that."

After his court appearance, Follieri, who had been fighting a sinus infection, had "some sort of attack" and was taken to a hospital, said his publicist, Melanie Bonvicino. She said she did not have further information on his condition.

Now, we're not legal experts. In fact, we don't even know what the word "filibuster" means. But we're pretty sure "repeatedly interrupting" your lawyer at your own arraignment is not a good idea.

But the real victim in all this is not the good people who got scammed out of their hard-earned money. The real victim is poor Anne Hathaway, whose career may or may not suffer minor adverse side-effects as a result of this scandal. Being a Hollywood actress is a tough life, and we would hate for Anne Hathaway to have to lose any sleep over a senseless thing like multi-million dollar money laundering.

We will keep Anne Hathaway in our prayers, and ask that you do the same.

Swiss Fox Steals Purse, Escapes

2008-06-25T08:25:00.004-05:00

Swiss police outfoxed by purse snatcher
BASEL, Switzerland (AFP) — Police in Switzerland managed to recover the handbag but the purse snatcher made his escape into the forest -- the cops had been outfoxed by a fox.
The incident happened Monday evening when police got a phone call from a woman saying a fox has stolen her handbag.
She was working on a small piece of communal land in Riehen, near the northern city of Bale, when she suddenly saw a fox running off with her handbag in its mouth.
The fox made off with her wallet and house keys, said police spokesman Nicolas Drechsler Tuesday.
A man tried to help running after the animal, "but the fox was too fast for him," Drechsler said.
When the police arrived, they searched and found the handbag under a bush, some 50 metres (yards) from where it was taken.
Police deducted that "the fox could not take the bag into its lair, the bag was too bulky," Drechsler said.
But there was no arrest. The foxy thief got away.

How Stupid Can You Actually Be?

2008-06-24T06:56:00.003-05:00

Combined IQ = today's temperature in Fahrenheit.

As if Hulk Hogan's family hasn't suffered enough disgrace recently, his wife Linda lowered the bar even further in a 911 call to the police. She called police when she saw a suspected stalker parked in front of her house.

Now, the management of this website has no idea, no idea at all, how a person can actually be this stupid and moronic, but we actually have a link to a recording of the 911 call, which proves that this is all very real.

Linda: Now he's driving away. He's been ordered away because he's threatened my life before and I don't want him around. I'm shaking, I'm trembling. I'm following him until he leaves.

911: Okay, you said he left, or he is leaving?

Linda: Yeah he left, I'm following him right now.

911: Why are you following him?

Linda: I don’t know.

911: Stop following him!

After placing that 911 call, Linda Hogan spent her afternoon finger-painting and discussing how pretty horsies are. Then she tried to eat a rock.

G'day mate.

Our next news story comes from (big surprise!) Australia:

Australian man charged with driving wheelchair while drunk
SYDNEY (AFP) — An Australian man has been charged with driving his motorised wheelchair down a highway while drunk, police said Monday.
Motorists were forced to drive around the 64-year-old man after he fell asleep in an exit lane on the Captain Cook Highway in northern Queensland state at 10am on Friday.
When a passing police patrol woke him up he told them he had intended to drive 14 kilometres (nearly nine miles) to visit a friend.
He was given a breathalyser test and found to be more than six times over the legal limit for driving, police say.
"The vehicles that we normally hear about with drink-driving are the family car, the truck, the motorbike," Inspector Bob Waters told reporters.
"But there are also other classes of vehicles that are subject to drink-driving laws.
"People should be aware that drink-driving laws cover these kinds of vehicles, but also others like horses and bicycles.
The man was ordered to appear in court on July 7.

Don't you remember the first time you drank 17 beers and then decided to drive your wheelchair for ten miles down the highway to see your friend? Man, those were good times. All the decisions we made were so rational and sane. We were the next generation, the torch-bearers leading humanity into the 21st century.

Foot Mystery - UPDATE

2008-06-19T07:12:00.002-05:00

This is starting to get a bit disturbing.

Allright - so we know that we just posted about this yesterday, but they just found another severed human foot on a beach in the Strait of Georgia, just off the coast of Vancouver. That makes six feet. Six!

Here is the latest news story:

Sixth human foot found in Canada

Another human foot encased in a running shoe has been found on the shores of British Columbia in Canada, the second this week and the sixth within a year.
Like four of the others it was a right foot, a police official said.
The foot was found near Campbell River on Vancouver Island and appeared to have been severed, a witness said.
Police, who are not speculating on this, are trying to determine the origins of the feet and whether they are any links between the discoveries.
The latest find was on Wednesday when a woman collecting rocks spotted a shoe-clad foot on a beach.
Another woman who manages a tourist campground at Campbell River, a fishing town on Vancouver Island, accompanied her to the spot.
"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," Sandra Malone told the National Post newspaper.
"It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."
However, police are refusing to speculate on any possibility of foul play.
"In the first four cases, police have no evidence that the feet were severed. It is too early to say if this foot was severed," police spokeswoman Annie Linteau said.
On Monday, a left foot was found on another island off Vancouver.
Like the previous four, it is believed to have become detached at the ankle, in a process called disarticulation.
Forensic experts say it is not unusual for body parts to become separated after they have been in the water for a long time.
Running shoes help to preserve the remains and because the soles are buoyant, the feet are brought to the surface.

Scary and disturbing.

Timeline:

August 20, 2007 - A 12-year-old girl from Washington State discovered the first foot on a beach while boating with family on Jedidiah Island. It was reported she picked up one of five shoes scattered on the beach, untied the laces and found the foot inside. It was a right and blue right-footed "Campus" men's running shoe.

August 26, 2007 - A wine importer from Vancouver and her husband were finishing their hike on Gabriola Island when they discovered a black and white right-footed leather Reebok trainer in a size 12 with a partially decomposed right foot inside.

February 8, 2008 - A severed right foot was found inside a running shoe on Valdes Island south of Gabriola in the Strait of Georgia, in a location only accessible by float plane or boat.

May 22, 2008 - A passerby found a foot on Kirkland Island near the mouth of the Fraser River in Richmond, just south of Vancouver. It was a right foot.

June 16, 2008 - A human left foot was discovered on Westham Island in Ladner, B.C. The foot was said to be inside a left-footed Nike running shoe.

June 18, 2008 - A sixth foot was discovered near an RV park on the Campbell River shoreline. It is reportedly a right foot and was in a black and white running shoe.

I like feet.

OK - this has now become more than just a coincidence. This is downright crazy. There are no doubts anymore people: These feet have to have something in common. Ridiculous. And as recently as two days ago, police were dismissing theories that these feet were related in some way. Are you kidding?!?

"I could see two white bones sticking out of a black sneaker," said Sandra Malone, an eyewitness who saw the sixth foot. "It was definitely severed, like it had been sawn off."

That seems like pretty definitive evidence right there, from a first-hand eyewitness. But, not only are the authorities refusing to admit that these feet are all linked, they are holding fast to their story that a plane crash or other similar accident was responsible for all these feet. Originally, their thoughts were that this "accident" occurred somewhere up the Fraser River, but as we discussed yesterday, the location of the first five feet was inconsistent with that explanation.

But now, with the sixth foot being found much further to the northwest than the other five, that explanation goes out the window. Let's look at some other possibilities...

Asian tsunami victims - This theory contends that the feet were washed approximately 15,000 miles across the Pacific. If that were true, why are all the feet found within a hundred miles of each other? Why are the feet all in running shoes? And, why are five of the six feet right feet?

Organized crime - These feet are from victims of crimes, not necessarily related. But if this were true, why suddenly find 6 feet within 10 months? Surely there would have been some precedent... Again, why are all the feet in running shoes?

Boating accidents - This explanation argues that the feet are from unrelated boating accidents. Probably the worst of all possible explanations. What is this, "Naked Gun"?!? Are these investigators even real cops? Six feet from unrelated boating accidents? Yeah right...

Suitcase full of feet - This theory argues that some serial killer was carrying around a suitcase of severed feet and accidentally dropped it into the Strait of Georgia... This theory really makes the most sense, because it would explain why the feet have begun showing up only recently and in a limited geographical area. Also, some kind of sick Chuck Taylor fetish could explain why all the feet have been found in quality footwear.

Now, we can understand that the cops do not want to let the public know what they are thinking - closed evidence - but we here at HPO are seriously a-hopin' and a-prayin' that these law enforcement officers are doing their homework.

By God, Sir. I will not abide another toe!

The Plot Thickens

2008-06-18T05:24:00.002-05:00

This is no coincidence.

About three weeks ago, we posted about the mysterious severed feet which have been washing ashore in British Columbia. Four feet had washed ashore then - but now, a fifth severed foot has been found. A special HPO thank-you goes out to our correspondent Anita Mandalay, who sent us this link:

5th human foot washes up on Canada coast

VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — A fifth human foot in a year has washed ashore off the coast of British Columbia, and this time it's a left one.
Police said two people out for a walk spotted the left foot floating in water off Westham Island on Monday morning.
Delta Police Const. Sharlene Brooks said officials are working with the B.C. Coroner's office to see if this foot is linked to any other partial remains recovered in the province.
Westham Island is at the mouth of the Fraser River, about 15 miles south of Vancouver.
"A passerby noticed a shoe floating in the water, pulled it in and notified police," Brooks said. "We're treating it as a criminal investigation."
While the similarities to the other found feet is strong, she said there's no indication this foot is related to the other cases.
"We're certainly not discounting the possibility that this may be linked to the other recovered feet, but it's just too premature and very speculative for us to even entertain that right now," she said.
The last foot was found May 22 on Kirkland Island in the Fraser River, about one mile away from Monday's discovery.
The first in the series was found nearly a year ago on Jedidiah Island in the Strait of Georgia. Within days, another right foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The third was found in the same area, on the east side of Valdez Island in early February.
The origin on any of the remains is still unknown.
"This might take a long time," Brooks said. "This is not CSI." She said in order to identify the foot, other remains from the body or identifying material such as a DNA would be needed. "It's going to be pretty difficult."
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police has said there's no evidence the feet were severed or removed from the victims' legs by force.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, an oceanographer based in Seattle, Wash., said when a human body is submerged in the ocean, the main parts like arms, legs, hands, feet and the head are usually what come off the body.
He said his theory is that the feet came along as a result of an accident that might have happened up along the Fraser River, that washed down and spread out along the Straight of Georgia.
Ebbesmeyer said when the third foot was found the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Apparently, the Canadian police are still selling us their "plane crash" explanation, believing that all five feet belonged to people involved in some accident and that now, over a year later, the feet are turning up. If this is true, why has every single foot been in a sport shoe when it was found? Isn't that a bit strange?

Generally, we don't have too much faith in the way this investigation is being handled. Let's be realistic here - if we're really hypothesizing that the feet washed down the Fraser River from some accident which occurred there, how do you explain the location of the five feet?

View Larger Map

As you can clearly see from the map, the five severed feet have been found fairly close to each other in the Georgia Strait. Now, the Fraser River flows right through downtown Vancouver and empties into the Strait. However, the currents in the Georgia Strait usually push the silty run-off from the Frasier River to the south and east of the drainage - which conflicts with the locations of three of the feet, found to the north and to the west of the mouth of the river.

And, according to experts, currents and tidal patterns are not very good evidence:

The use of oceanographic science is not routinely used in investigation, but activated when other lines of inquiry are founding wanting. Use of experienced physical oceanographers in the early stages of inquiries into a water related deaths will save time and reduce the chance of false assumptions being made by investigators. The most appropriate personnel are those with a firm grounding in fieldwork as well as numerical techniques, rather than those who have only worked at the theoretical level. Such personnel should also be familiar with the integration of weather data with hydrodynamic simulations.

So, all that speculation that is being done by those genius oceanographers working with the Canadian police should be taken with a grain of salt - these are only theories, and pretty far-fetched ones at that.

Now, we have to assume that over the past few months of this investigation, the cops have pulled the files of all missing persons in BC over the past three years, focused on the ones missing from near the Fraser River or one of its tributaries, and tried to match the severed feet to those missing people.

But the real question is: Does the "upstream river accident" theory really make sense? We think the answer is "no". Which is why we're betting that the answer to this mystery is "serial killer"... Plain and simple.

We'll keep you posted on further developments.

Important News Stories

2008-06-17T12:09:00.004-05:00

Buckle up.

OK, so Israel is gonna bomb Iran, we got that whole Darfur thing going on, and Mugabe is still reckless and out of control in Zimbabwe, but all that stuff has got to wait, because we only discuss important and globally-minded news stories on this blog.

Like this one, for instance:

Man, dog in car survive plunge down remote cliff

LONDON - Authorities said a man and his dog in a car survived a 200-foot fall down a remote cliff in southern England early Sunday morning. Local police believe the man was thrown clear of his vehicle when it fell halfway down the cliff, near the town of Swanage.

They said the man was found barely conscious near the crumpled wreckage of his vehicle. The car had crashed onto a large ledge on the cliff face. Both the man's legs were broken.
The coast guards say the man's dog, a black New Zealand sheepdog named Zin Zan, could not be found. The dog later made its own way home and was discovered underneath the kitchen table.

Now that's the type of ridiculousness that usually only comes from Australia. But, then again, it gives us a great opportunity to post a related Jack Handey video, which is too good of an opportunity to pass up. This one's a blast from the past.

Ah, Toonces. Where have you gone? You provided so many quality hours of comic relief with your carefree attitude and your cocksure alley-cattin'. What ever happened to the good old days, where any depiction of animals doing human things passed as reputable comedy?

A pattern is forming...

Sometimes, life is so hard. You can have so much responsibility in your life, so many things to take care of and so many different tasks to achieve, it can be hard to get anything done. Sometimes life is so hard.

But then, other times life is pretty easy. In fact, sometimes (usually through a stroke of luck or some other chance happening) life is so easy that you ONLY HAVE ONE THING THAT YOU NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE AT ALL - ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIT THERE. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, HOW DIFFICULT CAN IT ACTUALLY BE?!?!?!

Sudoku-playing jurors ruin trial

SYDNEY (Reuters) - An Australian drugs trial lasting more than three months and costing taxpayers over A$1 million ($947,000) has been aborted after a number of jurors were found to have spent up to half the time playing Sudoku puzzles.

Sydney District Court Judge Peter Zahra cancelled the trial of two men on drugs conspiracy charges after the jury foreperson admitted that four to five jurors had been playing the addictive number sequence game, local media reported. The judge was alerted after some of the jurors were observed writing their notes vertically, rather than horizontally. The game involves completing a grid of numbers in the correct sequence.
One juror said the game helped them to pay more attention by keeping their mind busy.
"Some of the evidence is rather drawn out and I find it difficult to maintain my attention the whole time," the juror was quoted saying by the Australian Associated Press.
A new trial is expected to begin in a few weeks once a new jury has been called.

I'm Voting Republican

2008-06-12T04:08:00.003-05:00

The rockets' red glare...

Do you want to know why HPO is voting Republican?

We are voting Republican because we really, really love bigoted WASP politicians who care more about lining their pockets than about the genuine good of their constituents.

We are voting Republican because we think it's a good idea to invest trillions of dollars in machines of destruction to bring pestilence and napalm fire to the entire globe.

We are voting Republican because we don't believe in infrastructure, mass transportation, alternative fuels, or educating the middle class.

We are voting Republican because Barry Obama really is a Muslim and a dunce and lacks character, experience, and decisiveness.

Fat Dog Seen From Space

2008-06-11T02:49:00.002-05:00

He's like the Great Wall of China

Dog is so large owners could see it on Google Earth

A PET owner was stunned to discover that his dog was so fat, the porky pooch can be seen from outer space.
Fran Milner was astonished to find that 200lb bull mastiff Boris could clearly be seen on the Google Earth website.
The images on the site are taken by satellites 300-450 miles above the Earth.
Three-year-old Boris's brown bulk is clearly visible stretched out in his favourite position by a sundial on the front lawn, where he lounges for hours on end.
The massive mastiff lives with the Milner family in a seaside hotel and is now a celebrity among guests, who line up to have their picture taken with the "space dog".
Fran, 24, whose parents run the Tudor Grange Hotel in Bournemouth, Dorset, said "My brother-in-law decided to look at a satellite picture of our hotel.
"He noticed a big brown blob on the grass and realised it was Boris. He was in his favourite place. He loves lying there.
"We all had a look and couldn't believe it. I knew he was big but didn't think he was big enough to be seen from space."
The average weight of a bull mastiff is about 130 lbs but the Milners suspected Boris would be bigger because his dad was also huge. The full English breakfast he eats every morning probably also helps.
He has also had problems with his cruciate ligaments, which prevents him from walking long distances to exercise.
Fran added: "Boris gets on brilliantly with our guests because he is so gentle.
"They all want a picture. He's probably the most photographed dog in Bournemouth.
"Although, he can't do much exercise he loves swimming in the sea.
"But for the moment, he's doing what he loves best - lying by the sundial for hours on end."

And, for the next video:

Synopsis: Pleasant family outing to the Zoo turns into whoremongering bloodbath from hell as rabid chimp literally tears apart a living, breathing duckling with absolutely breathtaking force in front of scores of astonished children.

Actual Synopsis: Caught this 'hilarious camcorder catastrophe' moment a couple of months back at Whipsnade zoo with the kids. Chimp gets annoyed at ducks constant quacking, grabs a bunch of rocks, throws them at a duckling.

Friday

2008-06-06T03:21:00.003-05:00

Hello, jugs.

Well, today is Friday - which for most of us means getting arrested. But it also means that tomorrow is Shabbaz, the Jewish day of rest. No elevators, no driving cars, no turning on the oven. And, you may recall, we went to a PARK IN BOTSWANA!

Now Wait A Minute...

2008-06-04T03:30:00.004-05:00

Keep on truckin'!

Yearbook pictures can be devastating - that is a known fact of life. But it's not too often that the names are just as bad:

Yearbook "oops": spell-check lessons
By Lauren Boyer
Newhouse News Service
MIDDLETOWN, Pa. — Max Zupanovic is listed as "Max Supernova" in Middletown Area High School's yearbook.
William and Elizabeth Givler's last name is "Giver" in the book, and Cameron Bendgen's last name was changed to "Bandage." Student council member Kathy Carbaugh became "Kathy Airbag."
And Alessandra Ippolito isn't sure what to think after seeing a caption listing her as "Alexandria Impolite."
"It was kind of funny, but kind of rude at the same time," Ippolito said.
A computerized spell-checker used by a publishing company spelled trouble for the school's yearbook, Reflections, bestowing new names on several students.
Leslie Givler was shocked to see her children, William, a sophomore, and Elizabeth, a freshman, listed in a picture with their last name as "Giver." Leslie Givler said she paid $53 each for two yearbooks.
Four of the yearbook's 176 pages, which featured the school's band, chorus and student council, were affected, said co-editor Amanda Gummo.
Ed Patrick of Taylor Publishing, which printed the book, said that the company takes full responsibility for the errors and that yearbook mistakes are common.
Another yearbook published by Taylor, Red Land High School's The Heritage, was delivered recently with 16 pages plagued by missing photos, misspelled words and gibberish filler text.
Patrick said the final CD for the 16 pages in question was never received from the school. What happened to it is being investigated.
The company was willing to reprint the book, but that's not what school officials wanted, he said. Red Land High School and West Shore School District officials said a reprinting of just the 16 pages as a supplement was good enough.

Thanks a lot, Middletown Pennsylvania!! What other bright ideas do you have up your sleeves, you sly devils? But seriously, spellchecking people's names? That doesn't make too much sense. In fact, the only thing that makes less sense is the fact that we put "Barry" Obama's picture at the start of this post. Why didn't we use a picture of someone better looking? Keeley Hazell, anyone?

Three hots and a cot.

After reading this next story, we were pretty shocked. Seriously, this guy has more amenities in his prison cell than we do at our own house...

Brazil inmate had $173K, guns, TV, fridge in cell
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SAO PAULO, Brazil -- The luxurious lifestyle of a convict in northeastern Brazil has come to an abrupt end after police confiscated a plasma TV set, gym equipment, two pistols and cash worth $173,000 from his cell, officials said Tuesday.
Bahia's Prison Affairs Department head Jose Francisco Leite said police raided the cell Monday in a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking.
He said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation of how of Genilson Lins da Silva got 280,000 reals ($173,000), two .38-caliber pistols and other amenities into his cell at the Bahia's Lemos Brito Penitentiary. Silva is serving 28 years for robbery and murder and was transferred to another prison.
Leite says Silva "led a posh prison life in his cell, which he occupied all by himself."

This one is completely absurd. They need to fire whoever is in charge of that prison... OK, we are perfectly aware that crime in Brazil is out of hand. But for fuck's sake - a plasma TV? In jail?

But hey, why stop there? Bring in a spaghetti machine and a Lay-Z-Boy and a loyal army of prostitutes. There are basic freedoms!

Hits Are Down

2008-06-02T03:30:00.005-05:00

Excuse me Miss, do you have a license to carry those guns?

Hits are down. So we are resorting to our time-tested theory of T&A. Whatever.

So, here are a few of the keywords that people put into google over the past months that led them to our site. We remind you at this point in time that the following list is 100% real and not fake or documented in any way - real people, just like you and us and Barbara Streisand, are actually googling these key words:

Hot lesbian video online
Pregnant fucker
Playboy pipes
Paint horse ran through puddle
She fell over and crushed him with her big big big big big big massive heavy giant huge boobs
Drinking, hot pipes
Krista Guterman playboy
Hot Indian girls with big buttocks
Oscar de la Pollo
Youtube fat women puddles
Youtube school girls swimming in big puddles
Pipes and nipples
Hate australia
Playboy Pipes
Reasons to hate Australia
Dog breads puddle
Free porn video deep toad
Disturbing book boy drops flowerpot
Hoobabakanda
Degree hat tilt
Panda beer

Clearly, our favorite of all of those is hoobabakanda.

Who wants to play tickle-butt?

So, we received this email from a rather annoyed reader in our HPO mailbag the other day. This particular person is clearly a big fan of this website, and his letter touches on the subject of a post we wrote about a year ago:

Dear Ross McLochness,

You are one of the most closed-minded and bigoted people I have ever had the displeasure of getting to know. You should be ashamed of yourself and your crude, distasteful website. The only thing more pathetic than your unimaginative, cliched writing is the fact that your own life seems to be desolate and barren. Do you really need to resort to cheap jokes about people you have never even met before? Is that the only way you can feel like a real man, you pathetic depraved idiot?

Has Jim Edmonds ever done anything to you? Why do you feel you need to spread rumors about him which aren't true? Don't you have anything better to do with your time, you idiot?

Moreover, you seem to think that every man from Southern California is a homo-sexual. Nothing can be farther from the truth - there are plenty of hetero men in San Diego, Oceanside, and Laguna Beach. Where does all of your pent-up homo-hostility come from? Maybe you yourself have been having secret man-fantasies, and are too scared to admit it? Ross McLochness, you are degenerate internet troll who has nothing better to do with his free time other than bash good, honest people. You should be ashamed of yourseld. The thought of you alone makes me sick - YOU PATHETIC LOOSER (sic).

I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you get hit by a bus and die. You are wasting good air with every breath you take - GET OFF MY PLANET and go straight to hell you homophobe. Your blog makes me sick - congratulations for lowering the IQ of every person who reads your boring writing. KISS MY ASS!!!

Sincerely,

Randy Portergrass

Well, well, well Randy... Let me guess - you must be from Southern California yourself. You ask why we make fun of random celebrities? Because fuck them, that's why. We pick on Jim Edmonds is because he is a queer and he has a fruity haircut. And, it the best statisticians in the world have empirically proven that the likelihood of a bare-assed locker-room towel-snap more than triples if Jim Edmonds is on that baseball team.

And we don't give a shit about the fact that nobody can prove that Jim Edmonds is gay - speculation has always been enough around these parts, and we'll be damned if we're gonna change that anytime soon.

So, here's what you can do for us today, Randy: Roll out of bed, put on your Axe body spray, shave your buttcheeks, grease up your hair, put on your ankle socks, pop your collar, get on your scooter, turn up the Celine Dion, and ride down to the smoothie shop where you work, you homo-sapien.

But spare me your crying and whining, Randy. If you don't like our website and our hatred for people from Southern California, then start your own blog about how great SoCal is.

And then we'll make fun of that too.

Monkeys Plan World Domination

2008-05-29T02:57:00.002-05:00

Thanks a lot, University of Pittsburgh.

When monkeys run ruffshod over the planet and take over Earth in the near future, the only people to blame will be those genius scientists at the University of Pittsburgh. Isn't it humiliating enough that most major cities in India are already under the rule of the thumbless iron fist of our itenerant tree-dweller cousins? Do we really need more embarassment? Oh, the humanity!!

So, before you criticise us for bashing the faculty of that fine, fine learning institution in Pennsylvania, read this article:

Monkey uses brainwaves to control prosthetic arm

Scientists have trained monkeys to control a robotic arm using the power of their thoughts. The research, which involved wiring electrodes into the animals' brains, is aimed at producing controllable prosthetic limbs for patients with stroke, spinal cord injuries or neurodegenerative conditions.
The monkeys learned to feed themselves using the robotic arm and performed subtle movements such as approaching the food with the arm so as not to knock it over. The researchers believe the animals began to regard the arm as part of their own body.
Scientists have previously taught monkeys and human subjects to control a cursor on a screen or a simple grasping hand via their brain activity, but this is the first time experimenters have demonstrated that it is possible to perform complex behavioural tasks this way.
"In our research, we've demonstrated a higher level of precision, skill and learning," said Prof Andrew Schwartz at the University of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania. "The monkey learns by first observing the movement, which activates his brain cells as if he were doing it ... like sports training, where trainers have athletes first imagine that they are performing the movements they desire."
The team, who report their research in Thursday's issue of Nature, first trained the macaque monkeys to retrieve marshmallows — a favourite treat — by using a joystick to control the prosthetic arm. Once they had mastered this, the team inserted electrodes into the animals' motor cortex and used brain signals there to control the arm's movement.

What's next?

Has the whole world gone crazy? Are we the only sane ones left? Since when do monkeys get to eat marshmallows?! Let alone marshmallows plucked by a robotic arm controlled by electrodes in their own brains!! The sheer stupidity of this nonsensical atrocity, despite hiding behind the tired defense of "prosperity in the name of science", is proof that the end of the world is closer than we suspected.

If the great men and women who founded America hundreds of years ago were still alive, what would they about crap like this? Ask any one of those great founding fathers - people like Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony, Benjamin Franklin, or Barbara Streisand - and they would give you the same answer: "Four score and seven years ago, monkeys was swangin' from trees." Do you think that George Washington ever dreamed that monkeys with robotic arms would be eating marshmallows at our most hallowed of educational institutions?!

If we're guilty of anything here at HPO, it may be the fact that we are too traditional. But hell, he believe that every animal has its purpose on this planet: Dogs are here to be loyal companions. Otters are here to swim around on their backs and do cute little human things with their paws. Whales are here to be hunted by Japanese people. Horses are here to be turned into glue. Dolphins are here to eat balloons. Mice are here to entertain us by playing musical instruments. Lobsters are here because they are incredibly tasty and delicious. And, monkeys are here to do a variety of things, but none of them includes marshmallows or robotic arms.

So, the moral of the story is that we're all on our way to hell. We're in the express lane, and we've got the pedal to the metal. The V12 engine is overheating and spewing out fumes as we careen down that one-way highway straight to the land of fire and sulphur. Leave the monkeys and apes alone to do the things they were put on this earth to do in the first place.

She Kidnapped Herself

2008-05-28T07:15:00.003-05:00

You want a toe? I'll get you a toe.

Apparently, a bit of a mystery has been developing near Vancouver, British Columbia. Over the past several months, severed human feet have been washing up on shore of remote islands near the city. To date, four different feet have been found washed up on four different islands near Vancouver.

All four feet had socks on them.

All four feet had running shoes on them.

All four feet were right feet.

Here is the article:

Fourth right foot found off Canada's coast
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (AP) — For the fourth time in less than a year, a human foot in a running shoe has been found along the British Columbia coast.
Police said Friday that they don't know if there are any links between the cases of the four severed right feet found on island shorelines in the Vancouver region.
Authorities say they haven't reached any conclusions about the origin of the feet. But local speculation has been rife with some reports claiming they belonged to victims of violent crimes or a plane crash.
Police said a passer-by found the fourth human foot on Kirkland Island, about 15 miles south of Vancouver on Thursday.
"It's certainly a mystery we intend on solving," Police Constable Annie Linteau said. "It's certainly very unusual."
The first three feet washed ashore about 40 miles southwest of Vancouver on islands in the Strait of Georgia. The first foot was discovered last summer by beachcombers on Jedidiah Island. Days later, a foot was found inside a man's Reebok sneaker on nearby Gabriola Island. The remains of a third right foot were found on the east side of Valdez Island on Feb 8.
There is no evidence to suggest the foot — or any or the previous three — was forcibly removed, Linteau said.
"All four were wearing socks and were in a running shoe," Linteau said.
Two of the feet are size 12. Police have not released the size of the others.
British Columbia chief coroner Terry Smith said DNA profiles have been taken from the first three feet. He declined to comment on the investigation or the new finding.
Linteau said missing persons files were also being examined.
Curtis Ebbesmeyer, a former professor of oceanography at the University of Washington who studies floating objects, said when the third foot was found that the feet could have drifted from as far as 1,000 miles away. Ebbesmeyer said the feet could have been severed or detached from their bodies on their own.

Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

Is "plane crash" really the best explanation we have for this phenomenon? Apparently, it's the one that the authorities are giving us. The chance of four random feet being right feet (and not left feet) is one-half to the fourth power, aka 6.25%. When you add the fact that all four feet were clad in socks and gym shoes, the plot thins. No, wait - not thins. It thickens. THICKENS!

Other theories besides the plane crash? Serial killer. Boating accident. Great white shark with a taste for every part of a jogger except his right foot. Actually, there are many theories. But we like Matty's the best:

It's definitely a hockey player's foot. They just use the tennis shoe to cover up the fact that it was a hockey foot. They take junior hockey seriously up there, and if they can cut off the right foot of an opposing player, they can only compete in the disabled hockey program. This gives the non-disabled team a big advantage. On that note, you will see a few more Canadian skaters with one foot playing in the disabled hockey championships. They tend to have longer mullets to compensate aerodynamically to slumped right side of their body.

Now there's a theory that makes sense. Get that man on the investigation, ASAP. Whoever is charge of Canadian crime-solving, whether it's the Royal Mounted Police or Wayne Gretzky or Celine Dion, get Matty on the case.

The police are saying that DNA evidence is necessary to get to the bottom of this one. Law enforcement officials have been working around the clock on this case: "All we got is, it's a foot in a shoe," said Cpl. Nycki Basra.

Right.

We will spare you, dear readers, all the cheesy jokes a la "the shoe is on the other foot" and "those poor soles" and so on. But we do have to admit, we're a bit stumped here... We will keep you posted on new developments.

The Whole Spectrum

2008-05-23T05:48:00.006-05:00

"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura."

Today, we're going to run the entire gambit of animal behavior - from stunning and unbelievably advanced, all the way to murderous and blood-lusting.

Our first on-believable new story comes from Japan, where a lost parrot actually told a veterninarian his address and was safely re-united with his family:

Lost parrot tells veterinarian his address
TOKYO (AP) — When Yosuke the parrot flew out of his cage and got lost, he did exactly what he had been taught — recite his name and address to a stranger willing to help.
Police rescued the African grey parrot two weeks ago from a neighbor's roof in the city of Nagareyama, near Tokyo. After spending a night at the station, he was transferred to a nearby veterinary hospital while police searched for clues, local policeman Shinjiro Uemura said.
He kept mum with the cops, but began chatting after a few days with the vet.
"I'm Mr. Yosuke Nakamura," the bird told the veterinarian, according to Uemura. The parrot also provided his full home address, down to the street number, and even entertained the hospital staff by singing songs.
"We checked the address, and what do you know, a Nakamura family really lived there. So we told them we've found Yosuke," Uemura said.
The Nakamura family told police they had been teaching the bird its name and address for about two years.
But Yosuke apparently wasn't keen on opening up to police officials.
"I tried to be friendly and talked to him, but he completely ignored me," Uemura said.

The best is how the parrot didn't lose his cool and crack under the pressure of a police interview. We propose re-naming the parrot "Johnny Tight-Lips"...

Murderousness.

And, in a complete mirror-image of the last story, a rogue group of British mice have run roffshod over a remote island and have been brutally massacring rare endangered sea-birds. The albatross chicks are being eaten alive by the brutal and hungry mice, who are three times the size of the normal house mice and are described by experts as the biggest in the world.

Not having faced any predators in the history of the island, the birds do not know how to defend themselves, and the mice are free to do as they please:

Those who have witnessed the phenomenon say the mice attack at night either alone or in groups, gnawing through the nests to get at the baby birds. Their parents, who have never experienced predators, are unable to defend them.

What is horrifying ornithologists is that the British house mouse has somehow evolved, growing to up to three times the size of ordinary domestic house mice, and instead of surviving on a diet of insects and seeds, has adapted itself to become a carnivore, eating albatross, petrel and shearwater chicks alive in their nests. They are now believed to be the largest mice in the world. Yesterday Birdlife International, a global alliance of conservation groups, recognised that the mice, who are without predators themselves, are out of control and threatening to make extinct several of the world's rarest bird species.

To quote one of the prominent wildlife experts, Dr. Geoff Hilton: "It's like a tabby attacking a hippopotamus."

Our proposal for resolving this terrifying conservational crisis?

Easy:

Populate the island with highly-intelligent Japanese parrots armed with university-level vocabularies. The parrots could spend their days covering the islands with mousetraps, and then spend their evenings discussing Wittgenstein over games of parcheesi while drinking mint juleps.

Redonkulous

2008-05-20T03:53:00.003-05:00

You have the right to remain...

When we were perusing today's newswire just to see what was out there, we came upon a gem of a story. Sometimes, one of these stories comes along that's just absolutely too good to be true - like something out of a bad comedy movie, it is so ridiculous that it simply must be true... Well, this is one of those. We would like to remind you at this time that the following news story is, in fact, completely true and 100% real.

Enjoy, dear readers:

Mexican donkey jailed for ornery behavior

TUXTLA GUTIERREZ, Mexico (AP) — A donkey is doing time in southern Mexico for assault and battery.
The animal was locked up at a local jail that normally holds people for public drunkenness and other disturbances after it bit and kicked two men near a ranch in Chiapas state, police said Monday.
Officer Sinar Gomez said the donkey will remain behind bars until its owner agrees to pay the men's medical bills.
"Around here, if someone commits a crime they are jailed," Gomez said — "no matter who they are."
The owner, Mauro Gutierrez, told The Associated Press he would try to reach a friendly arrangement to pay the men's bills, estimated at US$420 (euro270).
The victims said the donkey bit Genaro Vazquez, 63, in the chest on Sunday and then kicked 52-year-old Andres Hernandez as he tried to come to the rescue, fracturing his ankle.
"All of a sudden, the animal was on top of us like it was rabid," Hernandez said.
Police said it took a half-dozen men to control the enraged burro.
Chiapas police have thrown animals in the slammer before, including a bull that devoured corn crops and destroyed two wooden vending stands in March.
In 2006, a dog was locked up for 12 days after biting someone. His owners were fined US$18.

Let this be a warning to all the other trouble-causing unemployed animals of central Mexico: You are not above the law! Stray dogs, alleycats, turtles, and chickens beware - you freewheeling days of roaming around town like you own the place are over. Justice will be served, and no beast of burden will be spared. This hootin, hollerin, and honky-tonkin' must come to an end.

All of this animal violence has to stop!

In order to protect you, we are including some video clips of some of these animal hooligans in action, so that you know to avoid them when you see them:

Animal Cruelty

2008-05-15T03:46:00.002-05:00

Hockey is a sport which teaches competetive instincts and teamwork.

If you take a large, full-grown bear and dress it up in hockey gear, give it a pair of skates and a hockey stick, and throw him out on the ice to have some old-fashioned fun, is there anything wrong with that? We certainly don't think so, but judge for yourselves:

We think this is hilarious. Some people would not agree. Some would call it "immature", "childish", or "a waste of time." Yet others may even go so far as to call it animal cruelty. So for all of you who think that a bear playing hockey is cruel, let me tell you something: If that bear wanted to, he could go berserk on that ice and tear both of those guys to pieces. Besides, it looks like the bear is actually having fun. Imitating his idol, Wayne Gretzky, the bear can finally realize his life-long dream of skating in front of a packed house.

Verdict: Definitely NOT animal cruelty. There are many, many things you could do to animals that are worse. Much, much worse.

Australia Still Sucks

2008-05-14T06:23:00.002-05:00

TIA.

We found this story in our favorite newspaper today. Enjoy:

Driver buckles up beer, not child

An Australian motorist has been fined for putting a seatbelt around a case of beer instead of a five-year-old passenger.
Police who pulled over the man's car on the Ross highway, near the outback town of Alice Springs, found the child sitting unrestrained in the back of the vehicle.
Constable Wayne Burnett said he and a colleague were carrying out routine searches on vehicles entering Aboriginal communities, where alcohol is banned under a government crackdown as part of an attempt to stamp out child abuse.
"I really haven't seen something like this before," Burnett said. "Sure, we get beer out of vehicles that is being taken into restricted areas but this is the first time that the beer has taken priority over a child."
Burnett issued the driver with a $750 fine for failing to ensure a child was wearing a seatbelt and for driving a car that was unregistered and uninsured.
Four adults were in the car, two in the front seats and two in the back. The carton of beer, which contained 30 bottles, was strapped in between the two adults in the back. "The child was sitting in the lump in the centre, unrestrained," Burnett added.
Superintendent Sean Parnell, of Alice Springs police department, said: "This serves as a timely reminder to all drivers to ensure they wear seatbelts and ensure, as is their responsibility, that all passengers in their vehicle are secured in the appropriate manner."

Way to go, Australia. Just when we thought you were making forward progress up the staircase of decency and common sense, you trip and fall flat on your face. Then, you tumble back down the staircase into the dark, dirty basement of idiocy.

And now, some quality Dubya to close this post:

Man arrested in Texas for trying to cash $360 billion check

2008-05-02T07:01:00.002-05:00

That's a lot of zeroes.

This one's from Texas:

FORT WORTH, Texas - Charles Ray Fuller must have been planning one big record company. The 21-year-old North Texas man was arrested last week for trying to cash a $360 billion check, saying he wanted to start a record business. Tellers at the Fort Worth bank were immediately suspicious — perhaps the 10 zeros on a personal check tipped them off.

Fuller, of suburban Crowley, was arrested on a forgery charge. He was released after posting $3,750 bail.

Fuller said his girlfriend's mother gave him the check to start a record business. But bank employees who contacted the account's owner said the woman told them she did not give him permission to take or cash the check.

In addition to the forgery count, Fuller was charged with unlawfully carrying a weapon and possessing marijuana. Officers reported finding less than two ounces of marijuana and a .25-caliber handgun and magazine in his pockets.

This is the type of bank robbery that you usually see in cartoons. Maybe somebody should inform this guy that anvils aren't toys and that mice aren't able to entertain us by playing musical instruments.

Changing gears completely, it's been quite a while since we posted anything about our main man Pan. So today, we have uploaded a video of Pan attempting to play tennis. While he's not exactly Pete Sampras, it's still pretty funny.

Naturally, we follow that video with footage of an elephant painting a picture:

Whiplash

2008-04-28T04:51:00.002-05:00

Up, up, and away.

A Brazilian priest has been missing for four days after he tied himself to a couple hundred helium balloons and drifted off to sea. The priest performed this stunt to raise money for a local orphanage or something like that, but now it looks like the only thing he managed to accomplish was presenting a lucky shark with a nice meal.

Critics of his philanthropic mission claim that he grossly miscalculated the effect of the winds in that part of Brazil. His plan was to get blown inland from the coast, but the wind quickly took him out to sea.

Ok, we understand this guy is an experienced skydiver and had taken jungle survival training. We understand that he had taken one of these balloon flights earlier. We understand that he was equipped with a parachute, flight suit, helmet, and GPS system.

But your GPS won't save you from a shark looking at you and thinking "snack time."

Our sympathies are with this guy, and we hope that he makes it and all that, but come on - this stunt is about as stupid as trying to jump a tricycle over a pool of alligators.

Half the way down.

Here is an article we found on the internet today. This is pretty much the worst you could possibly do at your job. It's like a fireman burning down buildings or a garbageman littering.

Police officer sacked for sex on duty

LONDON - A Metropolitan Police officer has been ordered to resign after having sex with a prostitute whilst investigating a brothel.
The Independent Police Complaints Commission found Sergeant Manjit Johal guilty of misconduct.
The misconduct case heard how the married 43-year-old officer was supposed to be following up on reports that a Walthamstow premises was being used as a brothel.
Instead the IPCC said he had: "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker. "It was alleged he even put a Community Police Officer on the front door as a look out.
Mr. Johal, who headed the local Community Police Team, faced four disciplinary charges. IPCC Commissioner Deborah Glass said: "The sergeant's behavior was disgraceful. He has brought shame on himself and his former colleagues."

Stereotype Friday

2008-04-18T08:38:00.004-05:00

"I'm-a no look-a for trouble, because-a trouble, she's-a no good"

Since it's Friday, we have a special treat for you. We have selected a series of real-life news stories which highlight prominent social stereotypes of ethnic or geographic nature. The point is this: A lot of the times, racial stereotypes are completely bastardized and wrong. But sometimes, they are right on target.

And when they are, it can be pretty damn beautiful. In fact, it can be pure poetry in motion. So, dear readers, enjoy this cornicopia of real news stories highlighting social stereotypes.

A Russian in the "horizontal position".

Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing

A Russian man trying to sleep off a night of after-work drinking failed to notice a six-inch knife in his back - until his wife woke him up.
Yuri Lyalin, 53, took a bus home, ate breakfast and apparently slept like a baby before his spouse noticed a handle sticking out of his back.
He was rushed to casualty but doctors found no vital organs damaged.
Mr Lyalin shrugged the episode off but the drinking partner who stabbed him faces trial, Russian media report.
"Unique and intriguing the case may be, but the accused faces a severe punishment," said Pavel Vorobyov, a deputy prosecutor in the northern city of Vologda.
Mr Lyalin, an electrician, had spent the evening drinking with a watchman at his workplace when they got into an argument, Interfax news agency reports.
The morning found him waking up in the watchman's office but instead of going back to work, he decided to take the bus home.
At home, Mr Lyalin had some sausage from the fridge and lay down to sleep, the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper says.
After a couple of hours, his wife noticed the handle sticking out of his back and called an ambulance.
Viktor Belov, a surgeon who treated him, found a kitchen knife in Mr Lyalin's back but "by good fortune, it had gone through soft tissue without touching vital organs".
His alleged attacker reported the crime to the police himself, Interfax adds. Mr Lyalin apparently feels fine and bears no ill-will.
"We were drinking and what doesn't happen when you're drunk?" he was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

All Romanians are degenerate, abusive, gypsys.

Romanian fined for allegedly making 6,442 profane calls

BUCHAREST, Romania (AP) - A Romanian man has been fined for making 6,442 profane phone calls to an emergency number, police said Thursday. The 24-year-old man, who lives in a village in southern Romania, was identified in February and fined $223 in April after a checkup showed he was mentally sound, said Daniela Salaoru, police spokeswoman for Ialomita county police.
Police did not identify the caller. But the Evenimentul Zilei newspaper said he was a well-digger, and reported that he called the 112 emergency number from November to January to swear at the operators. He used a prepaid mobile phone, which does not immediately make it possible to identify the caller.
The newspaper said he denied he was the culprit. It reported that his mother said he was a loner and that she saw him talking on the phone a lot, but did not know with whom.
Romanian authorities say that over 90 percent of calls to 112 are hoaxes or non-emergencies. In November, the European Union, which Romania joined in 2007, threatened legal action against Romania for deficiencies in its 112 system, mainly the failure to locate callers who use mobile phones.
Romanian authorities say the system will begin to locate mobile callers this summer.

Indiana... Well, Indiana just kind of speaks for itself.

Truckload of human feces spills on Indiana roadway

CROWN POINT, Indiana (AP) - Indiana 55 has reopened after a truckload of human feces spilled onto the roadway in northwestern Indiana's Crown Point.
The driver told police he was hauling treated human feces from a water recycling plant in Portage when the load spilled about 10:30 a.m. Thursday.
The Lake County hazardous materials response team came to clean up the mess, along with the Crown Point Fire Department and Indiana State Police.
The northbound and southbound lanes of the highway were closed during the cleanup.
The Indiana Department of Transportation cited the driver for an unsecured load.

That Thing Is Pointy, Fellas

2008-04-16T03:46:00.002-05:00

A ding-dang-doo!

Faithful readers of this website will remember the story of P. Selvakumar, the man who married his dog. The more scrutinous of you readers may also remember a certain Mr. Tombe, aka "The Sudanese Goatfucker," who ended up being forced to marry a goat. Sadly, his goat-wife (named Rose) no longer provides him with goat-loving: "Rose has since died after choking on a plastic bag while eating scraps on the streets of Juba."

Oh, Lord, the humanity! You giveth and you taketh away - but to deprive a man of his un-holy goat-wife is living hell. Have mercy on our goat-marrying souls, o powerful one - Hoobabakanda!!!

There's something wrong with my pants.

Which leads us to today's story:

Bulgarian farmer swaps wife for goat

The day before a friend told me that he has had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife," says the 54-year-old. "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.
"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none.
"So this deal was more profitable to the goat owner, I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."
A luckless Bulgarian farmer who was been married three times has decided to try his hand at marriage one last time - with a goat.
Stoil Panayotov exchanged his third wife with Elena the eight-year-old goat at a livestock market in March - because she couldn't provide him with a child.
The extraordinary deal was concluded in front of a stunned crowd in the market town of Plovdiv, central Bulgaria.The day before a friend told me that he has had no luck with women and that he really liked my wife," says the 54-year-old. "The deal was reached when my wife gave her approval.
"The goat has given birth to three kids and my wife to none.
"So this deal was more profitable to the goat owner, I got a second-hand goat and he got a brand new wife."

Ah yes, Bulgaria strikes gold once again. Where would we be without Bulgaria? Well, we wouldn't be reading stories about men swapping their wives for goats, that's for sure. So, why would he swap his wife for a goat, anyways?

The answer, of course, is so he could be able to do this:

Gettin' After It

2008-04-14T06:30:00.007-05:00

Wade Boggs loves the sauce.

Most of you probably remember Wade Boggs for his smooth baseball swing, his happy-go-lucky attitude, or his trademark bushwhackin' moustache. Hell, some of you may even remember that Wade Boggs once injured his back after slipping over while putting on cowboy boots.

But what you probably didn't know is that Wade Boggs is the biggest alcoholic ever to have walked the face of the earth. Blessed with some amazing genetic abilities, "the man with the golden liver" has taken the commonly-accepted notions about alcohol consumption and crushed them like an empty can of Miller Lite.

Courtesy of Tasty Booze, we bring you this amazing and entirely true anecdote about Wade Boggs. In this story, you will witness Wade Boggs in his element - wild and free. Enjoy this, dear readers:

From a radio broadcast in which Sandy (host) discusses baseball with Wade Boggs' former teammate, Jeff Nelson.

Sandy: Who would you say drank the most beer out of everyone you ever played with?
Nelson: Easy, Wade Boggs...easy
Sandy: (laughing) Really!? Wade Boggs?
Nelson: Oh, yeah, without a doubt. I've never seen anyone drink as much beer as he did in my life:
Sandy: (laughing) Get outta here, alright, give me an example, like how much did he drink?
Nelson: Oh, I'd say, on a typical road trip, east coast to west coast, say a road game to Seattle...Wade would drink anywhere between 50 and 60 beers.
Sandy: NO WAY!! 50 or 60 beers. That is impossible.
Nelson: No, I know... I know how crazy that sounds, and I wouldn't believe it myself unless I saw him do it...numerous times. And he drank nothing but Miller Lite.
Sandy: How in the hell did he have time to drink that many beers. For God's sake, how many times did he have to go to the bathroom?
Nelson: I'm not kidding you Steve. Seriously. Wade was the kind of guy who was always the first one at the club house.So he'd get to the clubhouse, and he'd bring a six pack with him. He'd be there drinking a beer when someone showed up, and as we were all packing our stuff up out of our lockers and getting our bags ready for the trip, Wade would sit there and drink that whole six pack.
Now, at the time, we were flying out of New Jersey, so it was somewhat of a drive from Yankee stadium to the airport in New Jersey. Wade would drink another couple of beers on the bus to the airport. At the time, we were flying this older airplane, it couldn't make it across the country without refueling, and it wasn't the fastest airplane in the sky. So we would stop in North Dakota or something. Wade would drink about a half rack between New Jersey and North Dakota, and it would take about a half-hour to an hour to refuel once we got there, so he'd have a few more beers while we were grounded in North Dakota.
Once we got back up in the air, Wade would drink another 10, 11, 12 beers on the way out to the west coast. The whole flight from coast to coast ususally took us well over 7 hours. We'd touch down at Sea-Tac, hop on the bus headed to the Kingdome, and Wade would have another beer or two on the bus. Then, all of us would get to the Kingdome and unpack our bags and sit around and BS with eachother, and Wade would have a beer in his hand the entire time. He was always one of the last people to leave the club house too. So I'd say that all in all, he drank over 50 beers on the trip, and this wasn't just an isolated incident, he did that almost every time.
Sandy: Unbelievable. That's absolutely unbelieveable.
Nelson: Yeah, I know, I'm not kidding though, let's call up somebody and they'll tell you man, they'll tell you I'm not lying.
Sandy: Alright, who should we call up. Let's take a commercial break, and then we'll call up somebody and see if we can’t get to the bottom of this….This is absolutely amazing.
[commercial break: When the commercial end, Paul Sorrento, a former Mariner and Devil Ray, and Boggs's and Nelly's former teammate, is on the phone]
Nelly: Hey Paul, good to hear from you man, I haven't talked to you in a while.

Sorrento: Yeah, what's it been like, two, three years?
Nelly: Yeah. Hey, Paul, just to clarify now, I didn't speak to you over the commercial break, and I haven't talked to you about anything since we last talked a few years ago right?
Sorrento: Yeah, right.
Nelly: Alright Paul, we've been talking about Wade Boggs up here today in Seattle.
Sorrento: (laughing) Yeah, ole Wade huh.
Nelly: Yeah, alright Paul, I need you to answer one question for me, truthfully now...How many beers would Wade Boggs drink on an east coast to west coast road trip?
Sorrento: Oh, jeez, (exhaling like a flat tire) I don't know, like 70.
Nelly, Sandberg, Sorrento, Hank: (Rolling on the ground laughing)

Wade Boggs likes fishing. Note the beer cans.

If you aren't impressed by this, don't worry. It gets better. Aside from having a strong affection for fishing, Wade Boggs also has a strong affection for doing funny things. Aside from his quirky attributes, such as a love of beer or deeply-rooted fear of horses, Wade Boggs was an amazing man. All that follows is taken from Wade Boggs's wikipedia article.

The Margo Adams Affair
Boggs garnered non-baseball related media attention in 1989 for his four-year extramarital affair with Margo Adams, a California mortgage broker. After Boggs ended the relationship in 1988, Adams filed a $12 million lawsuit for emotional distress and breach of oral contract. She argued that Boggs had verbally agreed to compensate her for lost income and services performed while accompanying Boggs on road trips. Boggs ' reputation was further sullied when Adams agreed to an interview with Penthouse Magazine in which she discussed intimate details of her time with Boggs. While acknowledging the validity of the affair, Boggs went on the offensive in order to combat the wave of negative press, publicly denying many of the claims made by Adams. Boggs' rebuttal included an appearance on the ABC program 20-20 in which he presented his side of the story to Barbara Walters. In February 1989, an appeals court threw out $11.5 million of the initial lawsuit, ruling that Adams could not seek compensation for emotional distress. The remaining $500,000 was settled out of court later that year for an undisclosed amount.

Superstitions
Boggs was known for his superstitions as much as his hitting. He ate chicken before every game (Jim Rice once called Boggs "chicken man"), woke up at the same time every day, took exactly 150 ground balls in practice, took batting practice at 5:17 and ran sprints at 7:17. His route to and from his position in the field beat a path to the home dugout. He drew the Hebrew word "Chai", meaning "life", in the batter's box before each at-bat, though he is not Jewish. Most people don't know that his favorite count was 3 balls and 2 strikes. Boggs also claimed that his at-bats improved when longtime mistress Margo Adams attended games while not wearing underwear.

Wade Boggs is Batman.

In the video below, you will see Wade Boggs himself answering rumors that he once drank 64 beers on a flight from Boston to Los Angeles:

Russian Generals Too Fat For New Uniforms

2008-04-11T03:55:00.003-05:00

Have another one.

When we read this story on the wire this morning, it didn't really shock us at all. We are attaching the full article here:

Russian generals will soon have a stylish new uniform designed by a top fashion designer, but the question is: Will they fit?

More than 30% of the army's elite officers are overweight and 25% failed a fitness test, army spokesperson Vyacheslav Sedov said on Wednesday.

The army will now launch a fitness drive as it prepares to move over to a stylish uniform designed by top fashion designer Valentin Yudashkin. "The new military uniform should match what is inside it," said Sedov.

The army will build gyms, swimming pools and sports halls to get the podgy and under-exercised officers back in form, said Sedov.

The fitness tests were organised by Vladimir Shamanov, an officer alleged to have overseen widespread human rights abuses while helping to lead Russia's crushing of Chechen rebels. Officers were tested on their running, swimming and shooting skills.

Shamanov said that the unfit officers need more physical exercises, particularly aerobic exercises, daily newspaper Kommersant reported.

The army will also launch a campaign "to cultivate the culture of sport in the armed forces", said Sedov. -- AFP

Right. Sounds pretty reasonable. Russian generals too fat for clothes - let's get them back into shape. The only problem is, this is Russia we're talking about here. In Russia, things don't exactly work the same as they do in most other countries in the world. Why? Because Russia is the worst country in the world!!!

If you read the above article carefully, you'll notice it says that the new conditioning program for the tubby officers is being adminstered by Vladimir Shamanov, "an officer alleged to have overseen widespread human rights abuses while helping to lead Russia's crushing of Chechen rebels."

That sounds dandy!

But, since we are big believers in the fact that a picture says a thousand words, instead of just writing about how messed-up Russia is, we will just post some videos which speak for themselves. Now, we don't want to seem like we are being unfair or prejudiced against any country or group of people - but's it's been proven on many, many occasions by the most acknowledged experts in the world that all Russian people, without error or exception, are uncontrollable drunks who are drawn to vodka like nails to a magnet.

Court Rules In Favor Of Duck

2008-04-09T04:21:00.002-05:00

Circles, the duck who was shot in his own backyard.

Newsday

April 4, 2008

Like any other victim of a violent attack, Circles the duck now has legal protection - an order of protection against the man charged as her assailant.

In addition to getting shot in the neck by a pellet gun, Suffolk prosecutors said Circles, of Mastic, managed to make legal history yesterday.

"To my knowledge, it's the first order of protection for a pet in Suffolk County outside of domestic violence cases," said prosecutor Michelle Auletta.The attack was quick, said Circles' owner, Janet Lippincott, 53.

A group of teens jumped the backyard fence and charged at her with pellet guns, Lippincott said.

"My son just lost it," Lippincott said, describing the March 17 shooting. "He saw the blood on both sides of her neck."

But yesterday, the yellow-billed Pekin duck - the same variety as Long Island duck fame - scored a legal victory. The man police say is her attacker, Ylik Mathews, 21, of Mastic, pleaded not guilty to felony animal cruelty charges in First District Court in Central Islip.

Judge John Iliou issued a full order of protection for Lippincott's family, including Circles.An attorney who has represented Mathews in the past said he was unfamiliar with this case.

Mathews was held on bail of $5,000 cash or $10,000 bond."She's made a remarkable recovery," Lippincott said as Circles made gurgly duck sounds at her feet yesterday.

According to court papers, the single pellet pierced the duck's larynx, shattering a bone around her voice box and leaving two holes on opposite sides of her neck. Circles' veterinary bill totaled $200.

Lippincott said Mathews first told her the shooting was an accident. But she said she decided to press charges after Mathews sought assault charges against her son, Michael.

At first, Lippincott said Suffolk police were stumped. "They'd never ran across it before," she said of assault on a duck. In 2006, then-Gov. George Pataki signed into law the legal provision to include pets in orders of protection.

The measure was first used a month later in Queens, when a judge listed Be Be, a 5-year-old bichon frise, as a party in a domestic dispute. Roy Gross, chief of the Suffolk County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said he could not recall a case involving cruelty to ducks that led to court.

If convicted, Mathews faces up to two years in prison. State prison records show he has a felony conviction for first-degree robbery. Circles is back to sleeping in the dog crate she shares with two pit bull-Labrador sisters, Viper and Sweetie.

"It wound up a nightmare," Lippincott said, "all because they shot my duck."

We don't know about you, but we here at HPO are quite satisfied that justice was served and that the court ruled in favor of that duck. Does a duck not breath the same air as all of us? Does it not deserve the same standards of safety and common decency as we do? How would you like it if your pet was shot with a pellet gun?

Right. But on the other hand, ducks can be pretty agressive themselves:

Diaper-clad monkey escapes Fla. home

2008-04-05T13:14:00.004-05:00

Associated Press
Fri Apr 4, 7:17 PM ET
ORLANDO, Fla.

A diaper-clad monkey who escaped from his Orlando home is in the custody of animal control. Orlando Police said the monkey escaped through a window Friday and was sitting on top of a wall near a condo building.

When passerby's tried to catch the monkey, he charged at them, forcing them to retreat to the street into oncoming traffic.

Authorities used a banana to lure the monkey into a cage where he was then taken to Orange County Animal Control.

Authorities were not able to locate the animal's owners.

We Told You So

2008-03-27T07:00:00.007-05:00

Sometimes it feels good to be right.

We told you so. When this whole Knut story broke worldwide almost exactly one year ago, we told you so. In case you don't remember, we'll recap the story for you:

- Cute little polar bear is born in zoo in Germany

- Cute little polar bear is abandoned by mother at the zoo; in nature, he would have been left to die

- Stupid people everywhere, whose lives are obviously too boring to care about REAL problems, protest to save the cute little polar bear. They give the cute little polar bear a name: Knut

- Wildlife experts around the world, including the management of this website, confirm that this is a bad idea

- Cute little polar bear is at the center of a media frenzy, still going strong today

Here is what we wrote in our original post on March 21, 2007:

Someday this little white furball is gonna grow up into a 350-pound killing machine that won't hesitate to bite your head off, and then tear what's left of your carcass into a million pieces. This cute little bear isn't gonna be soft and cuddly all his life. Polar bears in captivity live for about 25 years, and as soon as this bear whacks somebody with that massive paw of his, or gets old enough to bite a chunk out of someone's leg, this wacky little experiment is gonna look like a huge failure. Is it sad to kill a little baby polar bear? Sure it is. But maybe it's nature's way of handling these kind of situations. Whoever is up there, calling the shots, whether it's God or Allah or Barbara Streisand, maybe they do these things for a reason.

Knut one year ago; and Knut today.

Now, 12 months later, the problem has literally gotten bigger. One of Knut's trainers at the zoo, Markus Roebke, has spoken out about the troubles that the bear is causing: "The trouble is that he identifies himself as a human and not as a polar bear. We are not allowed to have contact with him and have received letters that if we breach this order our jobs are on the line. He is too unpredictable to play with now."

Mr. Roebke, who works with Knut every day, says that the bear has become a "publicity-addicted psycho." The bear is now mortally obsessed with attention and he "howls with rage" when he does not have an audience.

"He actually cries out or whimpers if he sees that there is not a spectator outside his enclosure ready to ooh and aah at him. Knut must go, the sooner the better."

We told you so. How could you not see that this was a bad idea? And we were not alone in this, not at all. Ruediger Schmiedel, head of the Foundation for Bears, also told you so last year: "They cannot domesticate a wild animal." Wildlife expert Frank Albrecht chipped in his two cents in a more direct manner: "The zoo must kill the bear." And just a few months ago, a prominent animal conservationist referred to Knut as "an animal psycopath."

Another before-and-after picture. Scary.

It should come as no surprise, then, that this whole thing backfired in everyone's face. The comparisons to Shelley's Frankenstein are stunning: We have created a monster. By blatantly disregarding nature, the same self-aggrandizing idiots who wanted Knut saved in the first place are the ones who have caused this whole mess. Why do you think his mother abandoned him? Because she was in a bad mood? Because she didn't feel like raising him?

Of course not! It was natural selection you thumb-sucking, sob-story-loving simpletons!!! Polar bears have survived for centuries because of keen senses and highly developed and innately accurate instictual motivations. If the bear's mother abandons it, that is a strong sign. She loves that damn bear a hundred thousand times more than any of you closed-minded morons, so there must be something seriously wrong with the cub if she abandons it.

Most polar bears don't get to have birthday parties.

So what happens if Knut flips out one day, breaks out of his enclosure, scalps a few children, mauls some grandma, and then terrorizes the zoo until being blasted by a SWAT team? Who is to blame then? Certainly not the experts who knew it was a bad idea all along. The blame will lie solely on the shoulder of all those pathetic, senseless degenerates who brought this un-holy creation into the media with their bickering and their nincompoopery.

Knut was on the cover of Vanity Fair, for the love of God. Ok, so it was German Vanity Fair (meaning it was probably full of pictures of sausages and chocolate and David Hasselhoff), but it's still a famous magazine.

It's not too late. It's not too late yet. It will be too late if Knut snaps and takes a bite out of some German's leg, but until that happens it's not too late. We said it a year ago, and we'll say it again now: Kill the bear.

Hot Pipes Mailbag

2008-03-26T04:39:00.003-05:00

Nothing like old-fashioned, wholesome entertainment.

We realize we have not been posting as frequently as we have in the past. But still, we here at HPO love receiving pleasant messages from courteous and open-minded readers of this blog.

We received this pearl from long-time reader and top-class gentlemen Jimmy Fontaine in the early hours of this morning. Mr. Fontaine, obviously in a splendid mood, offers a lot of constructive critism in a very unbiased way, without a hint of bigotry or crudeness:

You're a sick man Ross... A sick capitalist pig of a man... But even if screaming African children holding on for dear life to a camel gives you a sick kind of pick-me-up for the day, does that necessarily make you a capitalist pig? Let's remember Vick's fighting pit bulls of Newport "Bad" News Virginia... or Aramis Ramirez'zsszz love for cock-fighting in the Dominican Republic... (or whatever shithole of an island he came from... I'm not exactly writing a bibliography at four a.m. on a tuesday... or wednesday or whatever). The point is - whatever - I love hotpipes... Mikey Eggplant aka "The Repeat Offender" loves hotpipes... So just write some hotpipes Ross... Please... We're dying out here.

I know what you're thinking:"If i could do it all over again, I'd trade it all in for a checkered sport coat and a luxury car with high miles just to live a day in the life of a plastic siding salesman." But I got news for you, Mr. "International Businessman." It's not all fun and games out here...

Do you think I enjoy waking up at 12 P.M. everyday Ross?! I suppose because we smoke, drink, snort, and keister drugs all day we must be on easy street. Well, you know what.....................

Okay, you may be right in some respect. But please keep writing hotpipes, Ross. We need it. I love you brother. Please be careful out there and come see us soon.

Your main man,

Jimmy Fontaine

Sometimes it's just so nice to know that people out there care.

This tends to undermine the seriousness of Buddhism.

When we saw this amazing story on the newswire a few days ago, we were literally speechless. How could a dog learn to pray at a Buddhist temple? This is the mental equivalent of a monkey learning calculus, or George Bush learning that "Hispanically" is not a real word.

Here is the whole story:

Buddhist dog prays for worldly desires
NAHA, Japan (AFP) — Buddhists clasp their palms together to pray for enlightenment, but Conan, a chihuahua, appears to have more worldly motivations.
The dog has become a popular attraction at a Japanese temple after learning to imitate the worshippers around him.
"Conan started to pose in prayer like us whenever he wanted treats," said Joei Yoshikuni, a priest at Jigenin temple on the southern island of Okinawa.
"Clasping hands is a basic action of Buddhist prayer to show appreciation. He may be showing his thanks for treats and walks," he said.
Conan, a two-year-old male with long, black hair and a brown collar, sits next to Yoshikuni in front of the altar and looks right up at the statue of a Buddhist deity.
When the priest starts chanting and raises his clasped hands, Conan also raises his paws and joins them at the tip of his nose.
Visitors to the temple look on with curiosity.
"It's so funny that he does it," said Kazuko Oshiro, 71, who has frequented the temple for more than 25 years.
"He gets angry when somebody else sits on his favourite spot. He must be thinking that it's his special place," Oshiro said.
Conan, originally a temple pet, has become so popular that people come in to take pictures almost every week, the priest said.
Yoshikuni estimated that the temple receives 30 percent more visitors, especially young tourists, than it would otherwise.
"I'm glad that people feel more comfortable visiting the temple because of Conan," he said as he jokingly joined his hands and bowed to the dog.

Wax on... Wax off...

But honestly, what can a dog even pray for? A massive T-bone steak? Instant death for all cats worldwide? A tasty bone to chew on? A couple of shirtless, stinking, sweaty Mexican landscapers to chase out of his yard?

The Buddhist monks claim they are trying to teach the dog how to meditate, but we here at HPO probably think that before you teach a dog to meditate, you gotta teach him not to eat his own crap.

And now, to finish the post off, we are attaching some footage of what is possibly the worst-organized TV show in history. The girl is sweet enough, and she is certainly good-looking (not good-looking-in-a-Gemma-Atkinson-kind-of-way, but more good-looking-in-a-Susie-Dent-kind-of-way).

We truly do appreciate her seemingly-honest effort to educate the public, but for the love of all things that are good and decent, you can't allow yourself to be prank-called that many times in one show!

Illinois For Breakfast

2008-03-17T03:00:00.003-05:00

Breakfast of Champions.

A couple of high-school girls in Virginia found a corn flake that bears a remarkable resemblance to the state of Illinois. To be completely fair, that corn-flake has a bit bigger gut than Illinois actually has in real life. But aside from that, the resemblance is stunning - from the Illinois River groove in the Western part of the flake, to that big pimple-crater lookin' thing in the exact same location as Kankakee.

Regardless, they are offering the flake on ebay, and some complete moron has bid $56 for it.

Why are we calling him a moron? Well, clearly if this person was smart, he would know that $56 can by him any number of fine alcoholic beverages such as Night Train, Thunderbird, or even Iron City Beer (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please disregard the douchebag holding the bottle of Iron City Beer. His 10-degree hat-tilt, man-earring, and douche-face are all invitations for a donkey-punching. If anyone out there actually knows this piece of crap, please do us all a favor and hit him in the back of the head - HARD. Also, please flush his earring down the nearest toilet. Thank you.)

The girls in Virginia plan on using the profits from the sale of the Illinois-shaped to buy more Frosted Flakes. "We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa McIntire said. "We like cereal."

Right on, high school girls from Virginia. Eat them Frosted Flakes.

Man on the run.

In other news, the extremely technologically-advanced country of Macedonia has recently convicted a bear of theft for stealing some guy's honey:

The taste of honey was just too tempting for a bear in Macedonia, which repeatedly raided a beekeeper's hives.
Now it has a criminal record after a court found it guilty of theft and criminal damage.
But there was an empty dock in the court in the city of Bitola and no handcuffed bear, which was convicted in its absence.
The case was brought by the exasperated beekeeper after a year of trying vainly to protect his beehives.
For a while, he kept the animal away by buying a generator, lighting up the area, and playing thumping Serbian turbo-folk music.
But when the generator ran out of power and the music fell silent, the bear was back and the honey was gone once more.
"It attacked the beehives again," said beekeeper Zoran Kiseloski.
Because the animal had no owner and belonged to a protected species, the court ordered the state to pay for the damage to the hives - around $3,500 (£1,750; 2,238 euros).
The bear, meanwhile, remains at large - somewhere in Macedonia.

And now, some footage of the "peaceful" protests going on in Tibet:

The Most Dangerous Animal Known To Man

2008-02-06T08:45:00.000-06:00

Don't be fooled - this thing will kill you.

According to Jack Handey, the most dangerous animal in the world is not an alligator or a polar bear, but "a shark riding an elephant, trampling and eating everything they see."

Well, according to the management of this website, the most dangerous animal on earth is the honey badger. About the size of a dog, don't let the precocious badger fool you. Under that loose, thick hide lies natural selection at it's most ruthlessly efficient.

The honey badger takes on snakes, rats, birds, bees - anything it can possibly eat. Because of its tough-as-nails reputation, the honey badger has virtually no predators. In fact, even old honey badgers are no easy target for lions or leopards.

When we read the wikipedia article on this fierce little creature, we were stunned. Here are the highlights:

Found in the Kalahari desert, honey badgers are fierce carnivores with an extremely keen sense of smell. They are well known for their snake killing abilities, by which they will grab a snake behind the head in its jaws and kill it. A honey badger can devour an entire snake (150 cm/5ft or less) in 15 minutes.

If bitten the honey badger will become severely swollen and paralysed, unable to move for two to three hours. After this period of time the honey badger will re-awaken and continue with its meal or continue its journey. Even more tenaciously, a honey badger will gladly steal a snake's kill, eat it for itself then continue to hunt the snake. This ferocious nature of the badger has earned it its image as a formidable creature.

Honey badgers are also very intelligent animals. They are one of the few animals capable of using tools. In a documentary film Land of the Tiger, a honey badger in India was caught on film making use of a tool.

Holy crap.

There are even urban legends from parts of Iran about the badger attacking livestock and even people. While we still maintain that the large, solitary bull moose is a very, very, very dangerous animal, we might have just found one who is just as insane. Weighing just 30 pounds, this little fireball of terror is crazy enough to take on just about anything. What balls! No wonder this animal is in the Guiness Book of World Records as the most fearless animal in the world.

Footage of the honey badger doing what it does best - kicking ass:

Star Quarterback Sports Man-Bag

2008-02-03T14:47:00.000-06:00

Nice purse, Tom.

Before you start talking about how great the New England Patriots are, or how good-looking Gisele Bundndndndndchen is, or how "cool and composed" Tom Brady is, remember this one thing, people:

TOM BRADY WALKS AROUND WITH A PURSE!!!

If you want, you can click on the above photo to get a better look, or see more Brady-manbag pictures here, here, or here*

We don't care how hot his Brazilian super-model Victoria's Secret girl-friend is, he still walks around with a purse. Logically, we can only assume it is filled with hand lotion, lipstick, gummy bears, tampons, and Vagisil.

Get a room, fun-boy.

* This picture is actually Tom Brady walking around with a baby goat, not a man-purse. But it still proves our point.

Back to Back

2008-01-23T02:51:00.001-06:00

Again...

For the second day in a row, we found a story on the newswire which clearly demostrates the idiocy of Australians:

CANBERRA, Australia - A man rescued his colleague from the jaws of a crocodile in northern Australia but accidentally shot the unlucky co-worker in the process, police said Wednesday.

The two farmhands were collecting wild crocodile eggs on a riverbank Tuesday in Northern Territory when a crocodile snatched one of them, Jason Green, by the arm, the Northern Territory Police said in a statement.
"The male colleague shot at the crocodile, causing it to let go of the victim's arm, but a further shot hit the victim in the upper right arm," the statement said.
The two men had been collecting eggs to boost the crocodile population at their farm in the northern city of Darwin. Their employer sent a helicopter that flew Green to a Darwin hospital for surgery.
Police Commander Bob Harrison said Green's injuries were not life-threatening.
"He's going to be very sick and sorry and have a very good story to tell," Harrison told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio.
Police could provide no information about the crocodile's condition.

What a huge surprise! An Australian acccidentally shooting someone? That never happens!

Hey Australians, ever tried actually learning about the basic principles of firearms safety before purchasing guns? Because it sure as shit doesn't sound like it to us. This is two days in a row now that you have shot one of your colleagues. What is going on here? Do they just close their eyes, spin around a few times, and then randomly start pulling the trigger? Is there any thought involved at all?

And then lets look at what they were doing when they got attacked by that crocodile: Stealing crocodile eggs! Now, we here at HPO are definitely not crocodile experts, but we think it's pretty safe to assume that if there's one thing that would piss off a crocodile, it would be stealing its eggs. So, following this line of thinking, shouldn't these Australian morons have been prepared for an angry crocodile to come roaring out of the water as they were raping its nest?

In the meantime, Australia continues its war against natural selection...

Even More Reasons to Hate Australia

2008-01-22T08:18:00.000-06:00

Please God make it stop!

So, just when we thought we were out of reasons to hate Australians, this story came through on the wire.

If we understand it correctly, here is pretty much what happened: Some Australian jackass and his drug-addict girlfriend decide to rob a restaurant. They escape with what they think is a bag of cash, but ends up being a bag of bread. They get caught by the cops, but just before they do, the idiot Australian decides to shoot his girlfriend in the hip for good measure!

Seriously, wtf?! How stupid can you Australians be? Were they blindfolded when they robbed this place? Maybe, as a challenge, they did one of those three-legged-race robberies, when they both put on the same pair of pants.

When God created the world, he took a big fat crap on Australia. What an awful place.

Here is the full story:

MELBOURNE, Australia - Two Australian robbers were sentenced Tuesday for their April Fools Day heist at the Cuckoo Restaurant, where they thought they were hauling away a big sack of cash that turned out to be bread rolls.

Benjamin Jorgensen, 38, and his accomplice Donna Hayes, 36, were sentenced in Victorian County Court after pleading guilty to robbing the restaurant in the southern Australian city of Melbourne on April 1 last year.

During the holdup, Jorgensen grabbed what he believed was a bag with the Cuckoo's cash earnings of about $26,000, but later found it was full of bread rolls, the court heard.

He also fired his gun accidentally in the caper, shooting Hayes in the buttocks.

Judge Roland Williams told the robbers they were a "pair of fools," before sentencing Hayes to eight years in prison and Jorgensen to seven.

Earlier this week, defense lawyer Greg Thomas said Jorgensen had been under the influence of drugs at the time, had made a full admission to police and was remorseful, News Ltd. newspapers reported.

These Are The Times Now, People

2008-01-19T05:51:00.000-06:00

Tom Cruise has displayed signs of bat-shit craziness before, but this is much, much, much worse than any of that. Can anyone tell us what the hell he's talking about here?

People Are Strange

2008-01-08T01:16:00.001-06:00

Ain't that the truth...

There seems like there is no limit to what one can accomplish using the awesome power of the internets. These days, there is a website that satisfies any need you may encounter: Youtube, google, yahoo, blogger, moviepoopshoot.com.

And there are many more. With so many tools at our disposal, there is no limit to what we can do, see, read, learn, or analyze using the internets.

We hear at HPO also use some of the internet's tools to further our own intellects... For example, we track our site traffic down at BraveNet. Thanks to the quality services provided by the good people at BraveNet, we here at HPO can track the number of hits we get a day, and we can even analyze who comes to our site, at what time, and from where.

So, we were reviewing some of these BraveNet reports the other day, when we decided to check how people end up visiting HPO. So, we checked hits from the google search engine that lead visitors to our site, and we learned which keyword searches lead visitors to our site.

Here, dear readers, is a partial list of some of the words people googled which lead them to our site. Some of the keywords are truly disturbing (We remind you that these are ACTUAL KEYWORD SEARCHES performed by REAL PEOPLE which lead them to HPO):

The biggest puddle
Bill Cosby video smoking tree
Puddle pipes
Older hot women nipples
Crushing beer cans with her gigantic boobs
RAINING HOT MEN IN THEIR UNDERWEAR
dougie goes deep
The Smoking Hot Pipes
massage double bay rub n tug
biggest toad
dougie goes deep
video clips of monkey troubles in delhi,India
dougie's going deep tonight
hot box pipes
doug mirabelli going deep
Dougie's going deep tonite
Barking bitch online porn
Belgian horse falls thru ice
Fat man (blogsearch)
Pipes online Britain
Hot pregnant fucker
Indians hate Australia
We hate Australia
Krista Guterman playboy
Pretty hot pipes

While we are proud that anti-Australian rhetoric leads websurfers to our site, we are really quite concerned about the "rub'n tug" and other lewd homo-erotic references. Sure, we may have mentioned Burt Reynolds once or twice, but that does not make HPO a homage to gayity!!!

"Belgian horse falls thru ice" was nice to see, and the numerous references to "Dougie Goin' Deep Tonight" were nice to see, as that was HPO's most popular post ever. By a long shot.

But "barking bitch online porn"?!? What the hell is that all about? We can't really believe that one made the cut... Sure, we blog about dogs, but that search is waaaaay out there. Lot of growing up to do. Completely out of line.

Big Fat Man Has Big Fat Problem

2008-01-06T03:54:00.001-06:00

Eating!

A pair of men from Louisiana are furious with a Chinese all-you-can-eat buffet for overcharging them because of their huge size and massive eating ability.

Ricky Labit, and his cousin-in-law Michael Borrelli, were later banned from the Chinese buffet for eating many, many, many pounds of expensive dishes, like crab and frog's legs.

The owner of the Chinese restaurant, who speaks very limited English, allegedly called the 6-foot-3 265-pound Labit "fat."

Labit responded: "I was stunned, that somebody would say something like that. I ain't that fat, I only weigh 277."

Your logic makes sense, fat man. Keep on inhaling those pork chops, you degenerate tub of lard.

Live Pollo

2008-01-04T03:00:00.001-06:00

No choice in the city.

The fine City of Chicago has recently considered banning chickens as pets. Chicken-haters everywhere cite the fact that chickens are "noisy, draw rodents and... spread disease."

We here at HPO fully support owning chickens and other flightless birds as pets. They can provide hours of wholesome entertainment, as well as tasty eggs and delicious fillets!

In all seriousness though, why shouldn't people be able to keep live chickens? Are they really that unhealthy? Are they that much more filthy than other pets? Your average dog rolls around in the mud, sticks his face directly into garbage, and probably even eats his own poo from time to time. Most chickens that we have met have been saints compared to the behavior of your average canine.

So why ban only chickens? Are there alterior motives at work here from behind that dark veil of Chicago politics? The answer is: We don't know.

But we do know that many are upset about banning pet chickens, amongst them the fine people down at Backyard Poultry Magazine. This type of crap would not have been tolerated in the days of Oscar de la Pollo.

Thank God

2007-12-10T12:33:00.000-06:00

Jet, a two-year-old horse, got trapped in a frozen swimming pool.

Thank god this horse made it out alive:

Horse rescued from icy waters

DORSET — Police and fire officials helped an escaped horse out of a swimming pool Thursday morning after it fell through about six inches of ice.
Cpl. Gary Shuhart of the Vermont State Police said he was dispatched to Route 30 in Dorset to respond to a report of two horses in the road near the Dorset quarry and Snow Road. Shuhart said he saw both horses behind a residence on Route 30 after he was flagged down by a passerby.
One of the horses, Jet, a 6-year-old Appendix Quarter horse, had walked onto a frozen in-ground swimming pool and fallen through about 6 inches of ice. The horse had also fallen through a heavy pool cover and became trapped, Shuhart said.
The horses' owner, Janet Waite, said Jet probably did not recognize the frozen pool before falling into the three and a half feet of water. "It just looked like a meadow to him and he stepped on the ice," Waite said.
Several attempts made to free the horse were unsuccessful until a corner of the pool was cleared of ice and the pool cover removed. According to Shuhart, the horse had begun to shake uncontrollably and was losing the strength to free itself as hypothermia set in.

Shuhart said Jet was able to partially pull himself out of the pool and was then assisted by several rescuers who pulled on a rope tied around his neck. Rescuers quickly wrapped him in a blanket to protect against frigid temperatures, Shuhart said.
Jet was transported to the office of a local veterinarian where he was checked and treated for lacerations sustained while trying to escape the pool. By Thursday evening, however, the horse seemed to be doing better, Waite said.
"He cut his left hind leg and he had to have stitches on that. All of his legs are bruised from his struggle to get out of the water," Waite said. "He's better than he was. We wrapped his front legs because they were swollen."
The two horses had been fenced in but found a way out, according to Waite. She said Jet, and his 2-year-old friend, True Bluesman, would have continued to their pasture if that gate had been open.
"My back gate was open. I guess they just walked off my property," she said. "They are usually in a pasture right beside that property. They knew they were escaped. If the gate had been open to where they usually go they would have just gone there."
Waite said the two horses are very close, and True Bluesman stayed by Jet's side throughout the ordeal.
"One of the worker's said that True was so concerned that he just wanted to stay there and watch. One of the worker's tried to get him out of the way but he demanded to be there," she said.

Moral of this story: Some horse hate swimming pools, but some horses love them:

I Am God: Dabbling in Douchebaggery

2007-12-06T23:10:00.000-06:00

Game... Set... Match... BALDWIN!!!

Lesbians Are Bad News

2007-12-05T10:32:00.000-06:00

As if we needed more reasons...

A landmark legal battle is being fought in Britain. At the center of the heated debate is Ms. Terri Howard, a lesbian and mother of two young children.

Ms. Howard, besides being a carpetmuncher, also appears to be a backstabbing double-crosser.

Five years ago, Ms. Howard and her then-lesbian-lifemate were knee-deep in the happy, luke-warm water that is a lesbian relationship. Wanting to have children, they turned to their blue-collar firefighter friend, Andy Bathie.

The two women came to Andy with a proposition: "Get one of us pregnant so we can have un-holy lesbian children, and we will relieve you of the financial obligations of being a father."

Andy, being a caring and selfless man, gave up some of his hard-earned sperm to allow the two women to be mothers. Such a kind and beautiful act from a man who put others' needs above his own!

And how did Ms. Terri Howard repay Andy's generosity?

Well, now, she is suing Andy for child support payments after splitting up with her lesbian partner. And now, this emotionless succubus wants $900 a month from poor Andy!

The horror! This man goes out of his way to accomodate these heartless bitches. Then, after he sacrifices so very very much to satisfy their own perverted desires, how do they repay him? By slapping him across the face with a lawsuit! This type of craziness should not only be illegal, but should be punishable by death.

"These women wanted to be parents and take on the responsibilities that brings. I would never have agreed to this unless they had been a committed family. And now I can't afford to have children with my own wife. It's crippling me financially," says Andy.

He is not so much of a man anymore. Rather, he is a battered, scarred shell of his previous self. The devastation that these lesbians bring is second-to-none.

For was it not the great poet Emily Dickinson (or was it Russell Crowe?) who once said: "From the depths of the human soul, where lies the spirit which embiggens the most common of all men, also lies the desire to undermine the very righteousness of all that is good and decent. Now, get me a whiskey-and-water to go with that burrito, sunshine."

Friday Dwarf Update

2007-11-30T09:20:00.000-06:00

Noone wants to be defeated!

Yes, that is a picture of a midget kicking himself in the head.

Why did we choose to start the post off with that disturbing image?

Well, we received this amazingly ridiculous story in our mailbag yesterday, and seeing as it is Friday today, we figured we had to write about it. So before you judge us, dear readers, please read the story:

Filipino 'dwarf' judge loses case

A Philippines judge who said he consulted imaginary mystic dwarves has failed to convince the Supreme Court to allow him to keep his job.

Florentino Floro was appealing against a three-year inquiry which led to his removal due to incompetence and bias.

He told investigators three mystic dwarves - Armand, Luis and Angel - had helped him to carry out healing sessions during breaks in his chambers.

The court said psychic phenomena had no place in the judiciary. The bench backed a medical finding that the judge was suffering from psychosis.

The Manila trial judge had asked the Supreme Court to dismiss the complaint and return him to the bench, after being sacked in April.

"They should not have dismissed me for what I believed," Mr Floro told reporters after filing his appeal in May.

The judge said he had made a covenant with his dwarf friends that he could write while in a trance and that he had been seen by several people in two places at the same time.

Judge Floro reportedly changed from blue court robes to black each Friday "to recharge his psychic powers".

In a letter to the court he said: "From obscurity, my name and the three mystic dwarves became immortal."

However, the Supreme Court said dalliance with dwarves would gradually erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the guardian of the law, if not make it an object of ridicule.

Pretty solid effort by the lunatic dwarf judge, if you ask us. Of all the ludicrous aspects in this story, the best is the names of the dwarves: Armand, Luis, and Angel. We here at HPO have never actually met a dwarf, but if we did, we wouldn't think his name would be "Armand."

Which leads us to the video section of this dwarf post:

Nice moves there, little Hindu midget. Apparently, this is a clip from a Tamil movie.

Here are some comments on the video:

Madjackster: "OMFG its a ghetto Ompalumpa [sic]."

FierySora1: "His constant smile is creepy."

FatCheesySloppyPie: "It is so obvious that it is just a midget who is a good dancer."

infinitelaughter: "wow -- love the kids powersmile -- great moves too -- this video rocks!"

slayer831: "This is the awesomest video created."

dieselboi91: "that little fucker creeps me out."

jlesser: "My mind, she is blown."

enemies: "Wow. That little kid is nasty with the breakin' and all."

NickSpahr: "A Topless Indian Baby Demi-Midget Krumping. This video has everything that I love. And also it has smoking. A+++"

Angstone: "This sassy little man needs his own personal fragrance line."

beenyroy: "Bet you he's got a massive schlong."

drrunk2211: "Sweet moves and an even sweeter dental plan"

nigelapplejack: "the little superstar is the messiah. midget breakdancing + dope beats + india = genious everytime. you can't mess up that recipe."

mp3ror1: "That's some disturbing shit right there."

Italians Hate Roosters

2007-11-28T09:43:00.000-06:00

Roosters crow in the morning. It's what they do.

A man in Italy was fined after neighbors complained that his rooster was crowing in the morning and "waking them up too early." The neighbors in the small rural town apparently have no idea what roosters were put on this earth for. The man, who remained unnamed, plans on appealing the fine, which is approximately $300.

We here at HPO think this is borderline fascism on the part of the Italian government. Punishing a rooster for crowing in the morning is like punishing the sky for being blue or punishing water for being wet.

It's what the rooster is supposed to do, people!!!

What's next? Fining dogs for sniffing each others' butts? Locking up cats for chasing mice? Incarcerating bull moose for charging people with reckless abandon?!

Absolutely ridiculous. We haven't seen this kind of blatant poultry prejudice since the days of Oscar de la Pollo. But we expect the rooster will get his come-uppance. Those roosters can be pretty vicious, and there is documented evidence.

These rooster attack videos once again prove that if you can't find something worthwhile on youtube, you probably aren't looking hard enough. For your enjoyment pleasure, we have included the video titles as they appear:

"Rooster Attack"

"Rooster attacks Linda"

"My rooster attacking me"

"Rooster attacks Grandma"

The Second Coming

2007-11-18T23:23:00.000-06:00

The primates have the upper hand.

It's been a while since we've written about the monkey problem in Delhi, India. One might even go so far as to say we've downright ignored it. But that doesn't mean the situation has improved. In fact, it has severely worsened.

The city is now completely overrun with hordes of wild monkeys. These animals are armed with opposable thumbs, sharp teeth, and a complete lack of regard for anyone else's well-being. The monkeys come to town from the Indian forests that are rapidly being cut down. Since the monkey is holy in Hinduism, nobody kills them.

To put things into perspective, let's compare the situation now to the situation a few years ago:

2006

Monkeys first run ruffshod through the streets of Delhi. They harass children, steal food, board public buses, and cause monkey-like mischief at their discretion. Monkeys enter a government building and shred hundreds of important government business papers. One man dies after a monkey drops a flowerpot on his head from the roof of an apartment building.

2007

Monkeys tighten grip on city. According to one distraught resident, the monkeys are now "taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators." Two dozen people are hurt when a group of monkeys rampages through a neighborhood. The monkeys are "even slapping women who try to chase them." But perhaps the harshest blow comes when the Deputy Mayor of Delhi dies after falling from his balcony during a monkey attack.

There's far too many of them around.

We started thinking about how awful it would be to live in this monkey-infested city, and so we thought about what we'd say to the mayor of that city, if we met him:

Dear Mayor Of Delhi,

Please accept our deepest condolences for the tragic and untimely death of your Deputy Mayor at the hands of blood-crazed monkey hooligans. His death, though shocking, serves as a fitting cross-section of the general malaise threatening your citizens every single minute of every day. The not-so-subtle irony surrounding the absurd circumstances of his passing almost does service to the piss-poor job you have done, Mr. Mayor, in ridding your fair city of its primate problem.

When the monkeys manage to kill the deputy mayor, we think it's pretty safe to say that you have a problem on your hands. And solving it won't be as easy as you thought, Mr. Mayor. We'd really love to hear your next wonderful plan for getting rid of thousands and thousands of monkeys. Remember your last brilliant idea, back in 2006?

You brought in BIGGER monkeys to try to kill all the smaller ones!!

Oh yeah, that one was a real pearl. Truly a breathtaking work of staggering genius, that one. It's pretty fucking hard to get outsmarted by monkeys, Mr. Mayor, but you and your busload of mental midgets down at city hall sure make it look easy.

The only thing more disgraceful than your failure to curb this atrocious tragedy is your seemingly genuine apathetic disposition throughout this whole sick affair, you incompetent buffoon.

We strongly suggest you quit twiddling your thumbs and pull your head out of your ass, Mr. Mayor. These monkeys are not going away on their own, and one can only assume that your half-hearted efforts to teach them our human ways have long since been drowned out by a thousand monkey voices, screeching throughout the now-empty streets of your shattered and shamed city.

We hope a monkey drops a flowerpot on YOUR head, Mr. Mayor.

Thank you for your consideration, have a great day, and please remember us to your loving wife.

Sincerely,

Hot Pipes

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Delhi's monkey problem is real. It is not a joke, it is not a silly game. People's lives are at stake here.

This is a genuine, rectified, awful situation. An awful monkey situation.

THIS IS A REAL MONKEY PROBLEM PEOPLE!!!

As opposed to a fake monkey problem, like this one:

Mystery Fla. Animal Likely a Squirrel
November 17, 2007
MACCLENNY, Fla. (AP) — An animal sneaking around Baker County is not an orangutan as originally thought but likely a fox squirrel, state wildlife officials said Friday. Officers with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission laid doughnuts at a base of a tree after residents reported seeing a "big orange ball of fur."
The animal was probably an orange phase fox squirrel, Fish and Wildlife investigator Ken Holmes told The Florida Times-Union. The red-orange animals can grow to be about 2 feet tall and can climb in trees.
"I'll be astonished if it's an orangutan," Holmes said. "I can quite confidently say it's probably not an orangutan."
He said the animal's eating habits did not match with the patterns of a primate.
"I'm not discounting anything," Holmes said. "However, this creature, whatever it may be, simply isn't acting like a primate."

I Now Pronounce You Man and Bitch

2007-11-14T16:10:00.000-06:00

In sickness and in health...

P.Selvakumar, a man from southern India, married a dog earlier this week in an attempt to ward off a "curse." Selvakumar claims that he has lost his hearing and become partially paralyzed after stoning two dogs to death for "having sex in one of his rice paddies" 15 years ago.

The dog he married, named Selvi, was dressed in traditional Hindu clothes at the ceremony. Her bubbly bridesmaids spent the morning preparing the hound so she would make her husband proud. As the rites were performed, the groom beamed with happiness, and the bride scratched behind her ear with her hind paw, obviously bothered by what probably was a tick. Rice was thrown, blessings were given, and a feast was enjoyed by the groom and his family (the dog was given a bun).

But the lovely bride was not without some pre-marital jitters: During the ceremony, the dog ran away and had to be chased and caught before returning to her future husband to complete the wedding rites.

Wedding guests speculated as to the canine's motives for fleeing at the last second, some citing nervousness, others claiming the dog was running away from the financial instability of her new life. Some guests even hypothesized that the dog simply got scared of the crowds.

Whatever the case may be, the newlyweds plan on spending the rest of their long lives together in happiness and fidelity. If that doesn't work, the groom will try to find a human wife after the curse wears off.

Either one.

More Reasons To Hate Australia

2007-10-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

Boobs are fun.

We here at HPO have always been fans of breastststststs. In fact, we think they're great. They should be celebrated and praised. Songs of glory should be sung, sculptures should be carved, sacrifices should be made. To be honest, we think that 90% of the world agrees with us.

Not in Australia. We have the proof right here:

Court fines bare-breasted Aussie barmaid

CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian barmaid has been fined for crushing beer cans between her bare breasts while an off-duty colleague has been fined for hanging spoons from her friend's nipples, police said on Wednesday.
Police in Western Australia said the 31-year old barmaid pleaded guilty in the local magistrate's court to twice exposing her breasts to patrons at the Premier Hotel in Pinjarra, south of the state capital, Perth.
The woman "is alleged to have also crushed beer cans between her breasts during one of the offences", in breach of hotel licensing laws, police from the Peel district of Western Australia said in a statement.
The barmaid and the hotel manager were both fined A$1,000 ($900), while an off-duty barmaid was fined A$500 for helping to hang spoons from the woman's nipples, police said.
"It sends a clear message to all licensees in Peel that we will not tolerate this type of behavior in our licensed premises," local police superintendent David Parkinson said.

Where's the harm in this? A woman has the god-given talent of being able to crush aluminum cans in between her own cans, and she gets fined for it?! The government should be paying her for this amazing skill set.

This is ridiculous. And, to add insult to injury, her co-worker gets fined for being her accomplice and hanging spoons on her nipples. Seriously, Australia must be the only country where it is illegal to hang spoons on somebody's nipples.

Grow up, Australia.

We know who we're not voting for.

Elections are just around the corner in Australia, so maybe somebody will step into power and get rid of this ridiculous ban on bare-breasted beer-crushing. Hopefully. Please. God. Do something.

But, unfortunately, one of the leading candidates for Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd, finds himself in the middle of a scandal after television cameras caught him digging into his ear and eating his earwax.

Gross.

The Washington Post called it "stomach churning." Fellow Australians are calling it "bloody disgusting." HPO is calling it another reason to hate Australia.

Here is the footage of the future leader of Australia eating his earwax, 6-year-old style:

The Police Are Hard-Working, Honest

2007-10-24T03:49:00.000-05:00

Officer, what seems to be the problem?

This story came over the horn from Brussels, the capital of the European Union and a shining beacon of class and dignity, a model for the rest of the world:

No brothel visits when on duty, Belgian police told

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - Police patrolling the red-light district of the Belgian capital have been ordered to stop visiting brothels and drinking in bars when on duty.
A letter sent to officers in Brussels' northern police district, and published in a Belgian daily on Tuesday, urged them to set a good example and earn the public's respect.
"These officers think their duty hours are to be used to drink alcohol in bars, practice sports..., visit brothels or massage parlours, and entertain (intimate) relationships with residents of the neighborhood during their patrol," said the letter from a local police chief.
"It is only by setting a good example that the police can make itself respected," the letter said, urging officers to adopt more conservative behaviour.
A police spokesman confirmed the letter was authentic, but said the police chief had only reacted to rumours of officers behaving badly while on duty.
"There was no concrete evidence to substantiate any wrongdoing by police officers ... If there had been, they would have been prosecuted," said spokesman Roland Thiebauld.

Hey, good work guys! Way to put those tax dollars to good work. We kinda wish our job was to walk the streets of the red light district, stopping in to all the local saloons and whore-houses, having a quick whiskey or an elegant rub-n-tug before we even had our first coffee...

Have another one, Kwasniewski.

Former Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski got himself in trouble again...

Actually, to be more precise, former Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski's uncontrollable desire to constantly be drunk got him into trouble again, as he gave a speech on a nationally-televised montage show earlier this month.

Pretty much every country in the world denounced his atrocious behavior during his speech about relations with Ukraine, but Kwasniewski claims he did no wrong, despite the slurred speech and absent-mindedness.

Kwasniewski, who appeared on the speech as lit up as a Christmas tree, denies being drunk. However, he did admit that he "may have had a glass of wine or maybe 10." But, according to the former president, that does not warrant an apology from him: "I have the right to do what I want. I am a free man."

Very true, Mr. President. We can show up for work drunk, just like you can. Only difference is, we would not get our paycheck at the end of the month if we spent our work hours drinking wine and womanizing, like you do.

Here is a brief translation of what he said during his drunken ramblings about Ukraine:

"Looking into the eyes of your women, one must be careful. The question is: Is time going faster than we think? I'll say it in French... In French, savoir vivre. This means that it is poss... possible. Now I'll tell you how I was wah... worried... Oh, nevermind."

Yet Another Reason to Hate Australians

2007-10-22T05:28:00.001-05:00

Crocodiles are dangerous.

Apparently, the fine country of Australia can't go one week without one of its citizens making a total and complete jackass out of themselves. Here is the latest in a long string of utterly stupifying news stories involving the mental incompetence of Australian citizens:

Austalian swimmer dives head-first into crocodile

Sydney - A tourist who was attacked by a crocodile while swimming in an Australian river was so drunk that he fell asleep at his campsite before going to hospital for treatment, a report said on Friday.
Matt Martin was camping in an area of the northeastern state of Queensland known to be inhabited by crocodiles when he drank what he later described as "half a slab" - or 12 cans of beer.
When he dived into the river at Cow Bay in the topical far north of the state, he landed on a crocodile.
After a brief wrestling match with the reptile, Martin emerged with gashes on his face requiring 40 stitches, The Australian newspaper reported.
Admitting his face was "pretty messed up" when he went back to his campsite, Martin, 35, from Newcastle city north of Sydney, then slept for seven hours before seeking medical help.
His injuries were so bad that when he finally did make it to hospital, he was holding a blanket to his face to stop the bleeding, the newspaper said.
Crocodiles inhabit most of the waterways in northern Australia and although attacks on humans are rare, they are potentially very dangerous and numbers have increased in recent years due to official protection after fears they might be wiped out by hunters.

Wow. We have said many times in the past: "Alcohol and night swimming are not good companions." Great job, drunken Australian construction worker. It takes a true idiot to dive into a river and land, head-first, on a crocodile. Not only are you lucky you survived your drunken midnight swim, but then you unexplainably decide to "sleep it off" and not go to the hospital for twelve hours.

Way to go, Australia. Keep up the good work, you inbred retards.

Here is a video of a cat giving a massage to a dog. We don't know what the hell this means, but we think it's pretty funny.

Get up offa that thang.

As loyal readers of this website will remember, we wrote about James Brown's insanity about a year ago. So we thought to ourselves, "James Brown's insanity is very, very humorous - let's build on that theme."

So, here's a video clip of James Brown doing a TV interview while under the obvious influence of any of a variety of mind-altering substances:

He just doesn't seem to care at all. His care-free attitude is almost admirable. "Assaulting his wife and then firing a gun at the car she was in"?! Holy shit. That is in-fucking-sane.

Now, before you accuse us of bashing James "Mr. Dynamite" Brown, let us clear the slate and say that we here at HPO are big, big, big fans of Mr. Brown's. But the thing is, when someone's insanity is this hilarious, it would be a tremendous waste to not mention it.

Here is a clip of James in his hayday, giving dancing lessons:

Today's Stupid Animal News

2007-10-18T07:59:00.000-05:00

Fine animals.

So, this story came in over the wire about 15 hours ago:

1,200-Lb Horse Saved From Swimming Pool

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — A 1,200-pound horse is safe after rescuers used a wrecker to pull the animal from a swimming pool at a Knoxville home. Mountain, an award-winning show horse, was pulled out a little more than two hours after owner Deborah Black found him shivering in the pool Tuesday.

The 27-year-old horse's trainer, David Cunningham, said Mountain apparently wandered onto the property and fell into the tarp-covered swimming pool sometime Monday night.

Authorities say Mountain will be treated with antibiotics to stave off pneumonia and will be watched for signs of internal injuries.

Hey, great job people!!! Congratu-fucking-lations. Just how, exactly, do you lose a 1,200 pound show-horse? Most people have no problems keeping track of their dogs, and those weigh about 30 pounds.

Do you just let your prize-winning horses wander about aimlessly? Do you just sit on your couch, drinking your moonshine, until you decide to go look for him? And why, in the name of all that is good and decent, did it take you two hours to remove him from the pool once you found him?!

Insane.

Well, if that video proves anything (which it doesn't), it's that it can be difficult for a horse to get out of a swimming pool, even if there are steps into the water. Unfortunately, the video doesn't show how difficult it was to get the horse into the pool in the first place, so it is a bit of a letdown.

We didn't know birds could like gay music.

Meet Snowball, the dancing cockatoo. He was brought to an Indiana animal shelter a few months ago, with a Backstreet Boys CD attached to his cage. When the animal shelter manager played the CD for the bird, she was shocked. She says she "almost fainted at the sight."

We found the video on youtube, and it is pretty amazing:

Bill Cosby

2007-10-17T05:07:00.000-05:00

Cliff Huxtable.

Bill Cosby may have been the driving force behind the definitive comedy show of the 1980's, but deep down inside he was just another young man from the ghettos of Philadelphia. In high school, he was a baseball star. After school, he joined the Navy. Only when he began tending bar in a local Philly saloon did he discover his talent for comedy.

Cosby is also fondly remembered for his Jello ads from the mid-80's.

Now let's compare Bill Cosby to Eddie Murphy, another comedy legend. Murphy was raised in a poor Brooklyn home, and his father was stabbed to death when Eddie was just eight years old. While now he is widely considered as one of the best stand-up comedians of all time, in his youth he was inspired by the immortal Richard Pryor and by Bill Cosby himself.

We agree that Eddie is one of the funniest men ever to walk the face of the earth, but we must question him for banging Mel B from the Spice Girls.

Yuck.

She looks like a sea lion. She probably eats baby cows whole. When she steps outside, wild animals run for cover. They know a hungry beast when they see one. What a land monster. Having sex with her must be like trying to cut an angry wolverine's toenails.

Now, back when the Spice Girls first made it big, Mel B actually looked really, really good. But now, she looks like a crack addict's nightmare.

But, when Eddie Murphy makes fun of Bill Cosby, it's one of the funniest things in the world:

We Hate Australia

2007-10-16T06:46:00.000-05:00

God, do we hate Australia.

We don't try to be secretive about our deep hatred for Australia. What an awful country, in all senses of the word. Who, in their right mind, would want to go to a giant island full of kangaroo-eating slackjawed bush-yokels?

Awful, awful, awful.

So, as you can imagine, when we read this news story over the weekend, we couldn't believe it. As if we needed yet another reason to hate Australians?! Now we get some moron who falls off a balcony on the ninth floor of a building, dressed only in his underwear, and yet the cruel hand of fate lets him survive the 100-foot fall by crash-landing on a gazebo that broke his fall.

Natural selection, it would appear, does not apply to Australia.

Because on any other normal continent, this jackass would be dead. That's the beauty of nature: It has a way of eliminating those stupid enough to fall off a ninth story building in their underwear. Not in Australia, though.

Now, some of you probably think we are being a bit hard on Australia. To be fair, Australia did give us the precious gift of Elle Macpherson, and they also gave us the subtle joy of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter:

But, then again, Australia also gave us the insane drunken misadventures of Russell Crowe...

Tinkle.

So, the Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources has a guide on its website with some pointers on how to react if you encounter a bear in the wild. But nowhere on that list does it say whether or not you should throw a shampoo bottle at the bear's head as hard as you can...

Bears can be pretty mean. They can also be pretty good at catching fish. Which leads us to today's Jack Handey story:

My Hero: A Fish Story By Jack Handey

The greatest fly fisherman I ever knew was a big bear of a man. When he stood up straight he was well over six feet tall. He had powerful, hairy arms and massive, hair-covered legs. His body was also hairy. For some reason he kept his fingernails and toenails long and sharp.
He didn't need a lot of fancy equipment to catch fish. In fact, most of the time he didn't even use a rod and reel. He would just wade out in the river, reach down, and catch a fish with his bare hands. Sometimes he'd just stick his head underwater and catch one with his teeth!

He didn't believe in highfalutin, "politically correct" ideas like catch-and-release. Whatever he caught, he ate--usually right there, while it was still alive. Once I even saw him eat a muskrat. The only thing he liked better than fish was honey. He'd sniff out a beehive and tear it open with those long fingernails of his. Sometimes the bees would sting him and he'd let out a big roar of pain. I'd usually start laughing and he'd charge over and swat me across the head, opening up my scalp. But it was all in good fun. Besides fish and honey (and the occasional rodent), I think the only other thing I ever saw eat was garbage.
It's funny how someone can be so good at one thing, like fly-fishing, and so terrible at other things, like driving a car. That's the way he was. Suffice it to say that whenever he got behind the wheel, nine times out of ten we'd end up rolled over in a ditch someplace, on fire.
He didn't say much. In fact, hardly anything. He'd puff and growl if he didn't like the story you were telling, and you'd usually have to play dead until he calmed down. But then, after another bowl of whisky, he'd be ready for the rest of the story.
He seemed to follow his own set of rules. For instance, he never wore any clothes. And trust me, he didn't like you trying to put clothes on him. Another one of his quirks was, well, he stank. He never bathed and his breath was terrible. Even after you offered him a mint, and he took the whole roll away from you and ate it, his breath was still bad. At least when he would defecate, he'd go in the woods.

Even worse, he had a drug problem. More than once I saw him staggering around, disoriented, with a syringe stuck in his buttock. The authorities would come and carry him away, usually in a net hanging underneath a helicopter. But a few days later he'd be right back, raring to fish.
And boy, could he fish! In fact, when other fishermen saw him coming, they'd usually run away, screaming, because they knew they wouldn't be catching anything while he was around.
After the fishing season ended, he seemed to lose interest in just about everything but sleeping. I think he'd sleep right through the winter if I let him, which I finally learned to do, after repeated skull bites.
People ask what was the most important thing I learned from him about fishing. I guess it would be that you don't need to be a slave to matching the hatch. A lot of times you'll get just as many fish by chasing them into shallow water and pouncing on them. Or by stealing them from other fishermen.
The odd thing is, I never knew his name. Some people would yell out "Griz!" when they saw him, but I don't think that was it. I tried calling him "Lonnie" for awhile, but that didn't seem to stick either. When I think back on it, all I can do is scratch my head, and then wince, from the stitches in my scalp.
But this spring I discovered the most surprising thing of all, when I saw him again after the long off-season. With him were two of the cutest, hairiest little children I had ever seen. And then it finally hit me: The greatest fly fisherman I ever knew wasn't a man at all, but a woman.

We Should Have Seen This Coming

2007-10-12T06:16:00.000-05:00

He's a natural man.

So, even though there were a few humorous animal stories in the news today, we decided to switch gears for this Friday's post: Today, we're going to talk about pederasts.

More specifically, we're going to discuss Gary Glitter, the former "Glam Rock" star who is currently serving time in Vietnamese jail for child pornography charges. Now, we've never been to hell before (although our one-way express ticket has been purchased and we're pretty sure we have a place reserved there for us), but we imagine hell is pretty close to being in Vietnamese jail for kiddie porn charges.

Gary Glitter (real name Paul Francis Gadd) was jailed back in 1999 after he took his computer into a store to get it repaired. The technician at the store became alarmed when he discovered "more than 4,000 images, mostly of young girls but many of young boys" on Glitter's hard drive.

The images showed the young children, aged 2 to 10, engaged in "most humiliating sex acts" which the judge referred to as "filthy and revolting" and "of the worst possible type."

Even though his computer was confiscated in England, he is incarcerated in Southeast Asia because he was later arrested in Vietnam for having sex with six Vietnamese girls and women between the ages of 11 and 23.

Apparently, Glitter really likes the Hong Kong phooey. But, this comes as a shock to all of us. Come on, Gary Glitter and underage Vietnamese boys? It's surprising to even think about, because Glitter always seemed so normal.

Above, we have the music video for "Do You Wanna Touch Me", one of Glitter's most famous songs (another popular version of this song was performed by Joan "The Selfish Lesbian" Jett).

Here is an excerpt from the lyrics:

Every growin' boy needs a little joy, all you do is sit and stare

Beggin' on my knees, baby won't you please

Run your fingers thru' my hair

My my my whisky & rye, don't it make you feel so fine?

Right or wrong, don't it turn you on

Can't you see we're wastin' time?

Do you wanna touch? - Yeah! Do you wanna touch? - Yeah!

Do you wanna touch me there? Yeah!

Do you wanna touch? - Yeah! Do you wanna touch? - Yeah!

Do you wanna touch me there? Where? There! Yeah! Oh!

Now if that isn't blatant pederast propaganda, I don't know what is. Combine these perverted lyrics with the strange hand gestures in the video, and what you end up with is basically a big neon sign with the word "GUILTY" on it.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, but Jesus... This Glitter guy is a big-time sleazeball. How much more of a scumbag could he be? OJ Simpson looks like Mother Theresa next to this despicable pedophile.

Dogs and Ducks: Love or Hate?

2007-10-10T04:13:00.000-05:00

Waiting to become a hamburger.

In today's post, we will attempt to answer a burning question that mankind has been struggling to answer for many centuries: Do dogs and ducks love each other, or are they ruthless enemies that will do anything they can to destroy each other?

But before we get to that, we wanted to comment on this story that we stumbled across while surfing the internets earlier today:

Cambodian police take cow into custody

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia - A Cambodian cow was taken into police custody for causing traffic accidents that resulted in the deaths of at least six people this year, a police official said Tuesday.

The cow's owner could also face a six-month prison term under a new traffic law that holds people responsible for accidents caused by their animals, said Pin Doman, a police chief on the outskirts of Cambodia's capital, Phnom Penh.

The white, 5-foot tall cow was standing in the middle of a main road Monday night when a 66-year-old motorcyclist crashed into the animal and died. Most Cambodian roads are dark at night.

Earlier this year, the same cow was responsible for another traffic accident that resulted in the death of five people and several injuries, when a truck veered off the road and crashed as its driver tried to avoid the animal.

Pin Doman said he was holding the cow at his police station.

He said the cow's owner had been warned four times in the past to keep his cattle leashed and could face prison time if relatives of those who died initiate legal proceedings.

So many questions come to mind: Does the cow get its own cell, or does it share a room with other inmates? If so, does the cow get the top bunk or the bottom bunk? If the cow is to be executed, does it get to eat whatever it wants for its final meal? What about visitation? Can its cow relatives come to see it? Did the cow get mug shots taken?

Now, to be fair to the cow, we assume the cow will receive a trial by jury. Since people should be tried by "a jury of their peers", does this mean they will file in 12 barnyard animals to decide on a verdict? Can the cow decline the option of legal counsel, and choose to represent itself in the court of law?

And how about the judge? Shouldn't they pick a vegetarian to preside over the proceedings, seeing as a meat-eating individual could be biased by the delicious qualities of the cow, and unjustly order it to death by BBQing?

So many important questions, it makes your head spin...

Love or hate?

While, at first glance, it may seem that dogs and ducks have little or no relationship, the truth is much more complicated than that.

Some of you may note that dogs are commonly used in duck hunting. While this is certainly true, would this have any bearing on the complex interpersonal relationship between the duck and the canine? Would the duck hold a grudge against the dog for assisting its human master in the hunt? The answer probably isn't as simple as that.

So, we turned to youtube for answers. As usual, we live by the motto "If you can't find something worthwhile on youtube, you probably aren't trying hard enough."

Well, in this video, while they definitely seem to be annoying each other, it is tough to decide with any certainty whether they love or hate each other:

Ok, so the question is not answered yet. This next video, which also shoes a duck and dog interacting, seems to indicate that they do not get along as well as one might think:

But, when we saw this last video, the question was answered once and for all. After watching this video, we were convinced that dogs and ducks, underneath all that barking and quacking, really do have a soft spot in their hearts for each other.

Mercy!!!

Jack Handey Halloween

2007-10-09T09:01:00.000-05:00

This is a video clip of Jack Handey reading his work over on some radio station in New York. Now, the version now on youtube is obviously just a recording that some guy made of the radio broadcast... The misspelled words and other third-grade level grammatical mistakes tend to undermine the literary genius of Mr. Handey. But whatever. Halloween's right around the corner, and the story is hilarious.

Enjoy.

Monkeys Fighting Dogs

2007-10-08T05:01:00.000-05:00

Thank god for the police department.

This pearl of a story came in on the wire over the weekend:

Officer's Shots Save Skunk Stuck in Jar

CARROLLTON TOWNSHIP, Mich. (AP) — Officer James Kellett knows it's job to serve and protect — even when it comes to nature's stinky black and white creatures.
When a skunk with its head stuck in a salad dressing jar wandered into the Carrollton Township police station's parking lot, he grabbed a pellet gun and shot at the jar from about 40 feet away.
The shots cracked and shattered the jar, leaving a glass collar around the skunk's neck. With its head free, the skunk ran off.
"I didn't want to use deadly force, and it is a residential area," Kellett told The Saginaw News. "The way he was when he took off, he was able to eat, breathe and spray — and do anything else skunks like to do."
Kellett didn't get much in the way of gratitude, but he's grateful the skunk didn't spray. But there is one bonus — the makers of T. Marzetti's salad dressing are sending the officer coupons good for free dressing as a reward.

To serve and protect, indeed. Keep up the good work, Officer. The community owes you big time for this one, you minority-oppressing prick. After freeing the skunk from the "T. Marzetti Supreme Caesar salad dressing" jar that was stuck on its head, we imagine you had a pretty eventful crime-fighting afternoon... You know, getting cats out of trees and helping old ladies cross the road.

Perhaps you even sent out an APB on a large box of strawberry cream donuts... Gotta love those cops!

But while exposing the ineptitude of the police force using skunks and caesar salad dressing as examples of their incompetence is a fun, we need to move on to the real subject matter of this post:

Dogs and monkeys fighting each other.

Now, dogs and monkeys are not natural enemies, at least not in the way that the ants and caterpillars are natural enemies, or in the way that Britney Spears and common sense are natural enemies. But when dogs and monkeys meet, their hair-brained antics are usually a lot of fun to watch. So we spent our morning "researching" the depths of youtube in search of monkeys...

And dogs...

Fighting each other.

Confused Moose Thinks He's a Cow

2007-10-05T04:23:00.001-05:00

He looks cute and innocent until he is mercilessly hoofing you to death.

Recently, people have been asking us why we only focus on "pointless animal headlines that result in the reader being stupider than he was before reading them."

Well, we don't know the answer to that. That being said, here is today's meaningless animal news feed:

CANNONBALL, N.D. (AP) — When Beverly and Ernie Fischer gathered up their cattle this fall in Morton County, they rounded up a little more than they expected. We were moving some cattle, and we got a moose," Ernie Fischer said. "He thinks he is a cow," said his wife.
Ernie Fischer said it was difficult to get the young bull moose away from the cattle, and workers put it in a separate corral until it could be released. The moose also broke fences on the ranch 20 miles south of Mandan.
It's not the only such incident in south central North Dakota this year. Emmons County rancher Sam Gross recently reported a lone bull moose in his cattle herd, and a moose also was spotted in a cattle herd in McIntosh County.
Information from: Bismarck Tribune

A word of advice to Beverly and Ernie Fischer: Be careful around them moose, people. What may at first appear to be a clumsy, awkward deer is actually a ruthless killing machine capable of beating the bejesus out of your brain with his hooves and palmate antlers.

Featured in the incredible video above is "Patches, the amazing horse."

That video really makes us feel stupid and worthless. Those guys beat us to the punchline! Why couldn't we think of training a horse to ride in our car, eat cheeseburgers, fetch us beer, answer our telephone, and lay down to sleep in his bedroom? Are we that moronic and mentally inept?

Now, although we regularly contemplate numerous hypothetical situations involving animals, we have never once stopped to consider the fact that a horse can eat cheeseburgers. We just honestly didn't think that horses liked to eat cows. Which makes one wonder whether there are laws against feeding your horse fast food. Because if hamburgers are unhealthy for humans, they gotta be unhealthy for horses, too.

But, then again, if your daily diet consisted of oats, carrots, and sugar cubes, we're pretty sure you would eat a hamburger if only you could, so maybe we shouldn't be so hard on Patches' owners for taking him out to the drive-thru.

Anyways, when we found the video clip on youtube, we read some of the comments below it, and here is one by a guy named "londonrev":

the horse is great, but i'm sure there's probably an x-rated version of this same film.. you can love your horse, just don't 'love' your horse.. Plus feeding him burgers is ridiculous - Mad Cow disease was started by having meat from other animals in the cow's feed, which affected their brain - it's just asking for trouble.

Wtf?!

What the hell is wrong with this guy? You see a very intelligent and obviously highly-trained horse like Patches, and you instantly assume that his owners are banging him? Grow up, you human paraquat.

Show a little maturity. Jesus.

Your Leg Is Mine, Not Yours

2007-10-04T03:41:00.000-05:00

Hugo and Mahmoud are good pals.

Hugo Chavez, shown above lost in the magic moment of a genuine manhug, is the president of Venezuela. He is also a staunch opponent of America and its tyrannical president, George Walker Bush.

But now, apparently he is a singer too. He has released a CD of himself singing "traditional Venezuelan songs."

Yes, traditional Venezuelan Songs like "It's Raining Men."

So, here is the only thing we could find that remotely resembles Commandante Chavez singing. It's pretty awkward, and "El Presidente" seems to have a very hands-on approach to the young man who he is singing with:

In other news, today's story is about the strangest and most ridiculous we have heard in a long, long, loooooong time.

Two men in North Carolina are feuding because they both claim that they are the rightful owners of one of the men's amputated legs, which was left in a barbeque smoker that one of the men sold to the other.

Please, dear reader: If you do anything worthwhile today, anything at all, read this story. It's pretty amazingly ridiculous.

Just how amazingly ridiculous is it? Well, it's as amazingly ridiculous as a scuba-diving horse:

The flippers on his hooves are a nice touch.

Ok, so we understand why the owner of the leg is upset. It was his arm in the first place, and not only did he go through the process of "mummifying it and then drying it in his front yard", but he wants to get buried with it. In all fairness, he lost that leg in the same plane crash that killed his father.

We would want it back, too. (NOTE: "We" refers to the royal 'we', aka the editorial 'we').

But, then again, the guy who found the leg in the barbeque has a pretty solid case, too: "It's a strange incident and Halloween's just around the corner. The price will go up if I get the leg."

Not only that, but he is offering the original owner "joint custody" of the amputated leg. Hell, it seems like a perfectly fair solution to us.

Drunkenness.

According to Modern Drunkard magazine, 90% of all drunken incidents are entirely preventable. We'd venture a guess and say that this news story is part of that 90%:

"Burglar" turns out to be drunk neighbor

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A man in an eastern Dutch town went home last Saturday to find his lights on and his inebriated neighbor welcoming him at the front door with a drink.
The drunken 53-year old, who lives two doors down in the small town of Gasselternijveen, had broken into the wrong house after finding that his key didn't work, according to a police report. His furniture looked different, his dog was missing.
The drunken neighbor was arrested for trespass, but has since offered to pay for damages.

And, to close off today's post, we include a video clip of George W Bush giving a speech. A pretty damn good speech. Actually, it's not so much a speech as it is a stand-up comedy routine, but this impressed the pants off of us. Enjoy the moron president in rare form, for as a friend of this website once said, "The coliseum gets noisy at times, yet it seems to find time for the common man."

Bushy:

Lay Off

2007-10-03T10:03:00.000-05:00

This is one of Farley's best moments. Thanks to TAOALT for reminding us that this existed.

God Bless Romania

2007-10-01T07:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the good side of the fence!

As you probably know, Romania was graciously accepted into the European Union on January 1, 2007. And, in honor of this amazing accomplishment, we would like to give credit where credit is due, and portray Romania in the most positive aspect possible.

That is why we have prepared a photo essay of the charming, delicate sides of life in the fine, flowering country of Romania. Hopefully, these pictures will help break down the barriers that have been holding Romania back for so long, and may the negative stereotypes be reduced to nothingness.

We are trying to get rid of all the negative sentiments surrounding this country, and hopefully we can stop people from automatically assuming that Romania is a backwards, under-developed third-world pee-on.

Long live the strong, advanced, powerful nation of Romania! Aaaaarrrrrrgh!!!

Iraq

2007-09-28T05:39:00.000-05:00

Look at our current situation with this camel-fucker in Iraq:

Sure, you'll see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle. I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. I mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball. That's fuckin' combat. The man in the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary. Whereas what we have here, a bunch of fig-eaters with towels on their heads tryin' to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy fucking adversary.

Land mines are pretty vicious.

How long can this crap go on for? When is enough enough? Is it ever OK to throw in the towel and admit you made a mistake?

Whatever.

Anyways, it's Friday, so we decided to post a video of the members of "England's Loudest Band" at the zoo, having a deeply philosophical discussion about our monkey cousins:

Culture

2007-09-26T04:35:00.000-05:00

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

We got this story by way of the AP:

Coach Stops Runaway Horse by Biting Ear

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — The coach of Oklahoma City's minor-league hockey team helped prevent a possible stampede of Belgian horses at the Oklahoma State Fair by biting one of the animals on its ear.
Doug Sauter, who coaches the Oklahoma City Blazers of the Central Hockey League, was at the fair Saturday attending the Centennial Expo's Draft Horse Show when he saw a Belgian horse break free from its reins. That caused a chain reaction that spooked other horses, he said Monday.
He bit the ear of one of the spooked horses to stop it from stampeding.
"That's how you stymie a horse," he said.
"You bite as hard as you can, and it won't move."
Sauter said he was only one of many people who aided an unidentified 62-year-old woman, who was injured after a wagon pulled by a team of horses tipped over and fell on her. She was taken to a local hospital in serious condition, according to a spokeswoman for the Emergency Medical Services Authority.
Sauter said the driver was able to get the horses turned and steered the wagon into a circle, which the coach said is a common way to prevent a stampede.
"If he had not gotten them turned, who knows where they would have gone," Sauter said. "The driver stopped them from a basic runaway."

Now, we here at HPO have never claimed to be horse experts, but we had no idea that the way to stop a horse was to bite his ear - hard. We are pretty sure that we always knew that the easiest way to get a horse to kick you in the head was to bite his ear (or put a cigarette out on his hindquarters).

Bears love garbage.

Most people's bear knowledge consists of bits of pieces of camping stories and old Yogi the Bear cartoons. Funny as they may be, those cartoons are not necessarily representative of the truth about bears. As it turns out, your average bear will sooner go for a trash can than your "pic-a-nic" basket.

Last week, a brown bear in Bulgaria got himself into a bit of a difficult situation when he broke into a building in the middle of the night and got his head stuck in a trash can.

According to the article, the bear "entered the building in the resort of Predeal through a window, found some food in a garbage can, and proceeded to lick its way to the bottom before its head got stuck in the bin."

When the bear was found at dawn the next morning, he was shot full of bear tranquilizers before being released: "Lightly groggy, the bear stumbled into the neighbouring forest after it was freed."

And everything is back to normal, just like nature intended: Bears under the influence of heavy sedatives crashing through the woods, wild and free.

And, we finish today's post with an excerpt from our favorite Middle-Eastern politician, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was in America recently giving a speech to the bright, flowering young students of Columbia University.

Cleverly dodging questions about the comically ridiculous opression of women in Iran and his desire to "wipe Israel off the map", Dr. Ahmadinejad finally cracks when asked about the treatment of homo-sexuals in Iran.

In all fairness, as crazy as he is, we appreciate the fact that the email we sent him back in November was responded to by some fig-eater that works for Dr. Ahmadinejad.

Classy move on their part.

People From Oregon Are Intelligent

2007-09-24T02:49:00.000-05:00

Big snakes do not belong in your mouth.

This edition of the "stupidest drunkard of the week" award goes to Matt Wilkinson of Portland, Oregon, who almost died after he was bitten on the tongue by a live rattlesnake that he had put in his mouth in a drunken rage.

After drinking a bunch of alcohol at a party, Wilkinson tried to impress his ex-girlfriend by putting the rattlesnake, which he had found on a highway three weeks earlier, into his mouth.

"I told her it was a nice snake," said Wilkinson. "Nothing can happen. Watch."

What happened next?

"It got a hold of my tongue."

Wow. Hey Matt Wilkinson, the reason rattlesnakes have rattles is so they can warn you that they are incredibly pissed-off. When they start shaking their tails, it means "back away slowly". It definitely DOES NOT mean "put me in your mouth."

But, then again, Wilkinson did have a pretty rock-solid excuse for his foolish behavior: "You can assume alcohol was involved... A mixture of stupid stuff."

We hear you, loud and clear. We've all been there before. You're at a party, enjoying yourself, having a good time, not bothering anyone... But then there's always that one guy who drinks way too much and then picks up a giant poisonous serpent and puts it in his mouth.

Happens all the time.

Japanese people are normal.

Since we haven't written about Japanese people for a while, we figured we had to make up for lost ground. In Tokyo last week, a hysterical woman charged into the middle of a sumo wrestling ring during a match. Not only did she disrupt the wrestling competition, but she also broke a sacred Japanese religious tradition - no women allowed in the sacred sumo ring.

She was restrained by a referee and one of the giant sumo wrestlers, whose name was Takamisaraki. "It's bad for the heart," said Takamisarki after he successfully "restrained" the woman. "What was the person trying to do while we were wrestling seriously?"

Good question, Takamisaraki. Nobody knows why this woman rushed the arena, but she was later found to be carrying a bunch of fliers that said "Help, bad spirits."

According to sources, ancient Japanese tradition forbids women from entering the sumo ring on the grounds that it is sacred and their presence, considered unclean, would pollute it.

Apparently, following the same train of thought, women have also been banned from entering gold mines or climbing mountains in Japan.

And now, in some more disturbing news, it appears that not only North American birds have been breaking the law recently. Rumors have long been swirling about chickens gangbanging and selling crack-cocaine in Sheboygan, but now we have proof that their European cousins are just as lethal.

Here is real video footage of Sam, the serial shoplifting seagull who has long been terrorizing the streets of Aberdeen, Scotland. A seasoned veteran of the shadowy underworld, Sam the Seagull is no tenderfoot when it comes to stick-ups. Note his cold-blooded technique, cool demeanor, and hesitance when asked questions.

On the streets, he is known as "The Bird Man of Aberdeen," and he is a true criminal.

Goodnight Irene: The Parrot That Changed The World

2007-09-21T02:58:00.000-05:00

Alex will never count colorful blocks again.

Alex, the smartest bird of all time, died earlier this month, at the tender age of 31. As long-time readers of this site will note, we have written obituaries for birds before, which makes us experts at this. However, this eulogy is much more difficult to write than Oscar's was, as none of us ever actually knew Alex. But we can imagine that life is just as tough for a parrot from Africa as it is for a chicken from the Garfield Park ghetto.

We will attempt to do his life justice with the written word. Here we go.

Alex hatched in a regular pet store in 1976, during the heart of the hippie revolution, the "flower power" years, just after the end of the Vietnam war. Alex was an African grey parrot, bought by his owner, best friend, teacher, and hetero life-mate, Dr. Irene M. Pepperberg.

Hello, Dr. Pepperberg.

In addition to having a powerhouse last name, Dr. Pepperberg was a young doctor with brilliant fantasies of researching the intricacies of the avian mind. She fell in love with the parrot instantly, and trained Alex to speak and interact with humans. She quickly noted how special this particular parrot was.

Alex knew over 100 words, and even made up some of his own from time to time. He could identify about 50 objects, and his small parrot brain could even grasp the concepts of 'bigger' and 'smaller', or 'same' and 'different'. When asked questions, he answered correctly over 80% of the time.

He could express emotions, and he could even get annoyed. If he said "Wanna banana" and was given a nut instead, he would stare in silence, and ask for the banana again, or simply throw the nut at the researcher. Alex could even get lonely. Once, when Dr. Pepperberg took him to a visit at the vet, Alex said "Come here. I love you. I'm sorry. I want to go back."

Oh, what a lucky bird he was.

For the majority of his time on this here green planet, Alex lived a life of hard work, fine luxury, and constant learning and companionship. To his fellow grey parrot roommates and friends, he was a ringleader, a yardstick by which the merits of all other parrots were to be married. To the people in the lab with which he worked, he was an inspiration and he was a tough boss, ordering them around the lab with his high-pitched demands.

But to Dr. Pepperberg, he was more than just a pet: He was a dear friend, a loving family member, a beacon of light. He was her lighthouse, her compass. Over the 31 years they spent together, Dr. Pepperberg (NOTE: "Dr. Pepperberg" may be the best name we have ever come across, due to its similarity to the popular carbonated beverage Dr. Pepper, and to the easiness with which you can type it) shared her life and home with this feathered genius, and the two became very close.

That bird was like a brother to her.

Alex crunches some numbers.

So it is with great fondness that Dr. Pepperberg remembers the last time she saw Alex alive. It was Thursday evening, two weeks ago. They performed their standard goodnight routine, during which she informed Alex that it was time to go in his cage for the night. According to Dr. Pepperberg, Alex said "You be good. I love you."

"I love you too," Dr. Pepperberg replied.

"You'll be in tomorrow?" asked Alex.

"Yes, I'll be in tomorrow," said Dr. Pepperburg.

And that was the last time the two life-long friends would meet. The next morning, Alex's body was found in his cage. He was 31 years old, a spring chicken in parrot years, as they can live to 60 years of age. He has his regular physical a few weeks earlier, and was reported to be in perfect health. An autopsy could not confirm the cause of death.

Dr. Pepperberg has started an "Alex Foundation" to raise money for further parrot research, so that's worth a look if you are interested in helping the cause. Dr. Pepperberg gets all of her funding from the foundation, as no university or federal funding has been granted her, possibly due to the funniness of Dr. Pepperberg's last name.

It's interesting to note how one little parrot can have such a profound impact on the life of millions of people... Not just the person he lived with for 31 years.

And that person was Dr. Pepperberg.

The Moose: Peaceful Water-Cow or Cold-Blooded Killer?

2007-09-20T04:41:00.000-05:00

On the plains of the northern wild lands, the hunter stalks his prey.

To the average citizen the moose is, at most, an animal that is large, awkward, unintelligent, and hardly worthy of notice, much less consideration. After all, who would, in their right mind, criticize or make conspicuous this king of the northern forests?

Ah, yes! How peaceful and serene the grazing bull moose appears! When seeing this massive deer so carefree and calm, it is difficult to imagine the killer's instinct that lies within.

One should not take things for granted. Appearances can be deceiving, and an animal as powerful and ruthless as this one must be approached with extreme diligence, for he could snap at any moment.

Large, solitary male moose command the highest amounts of respect. Give him a wide berth, for he may charge. Do not provoke him, for he is armed with large palmate antlers, and four powerful, thick legs, each capped with a razor-sharp hoof that can cut through skin and bone like a steak-knife through a marshmallow. When one meets the moose in its native habitat, we are at his mercy. Our lives hang delicately in the balance, as a horrible death by trampling could only be seconds away.

Only the fool laughs at this bulky, apparently clumsy, cousin of the deer. "What harm can a seaweed-eating cow do me?", the uneducated man may ask. "Surely, this uncoordinated mammal will run from me if I ever seem him in the wild."

Think again, my friend.

Behold the awesome killing power! The ruthless desire to not only wipe his opponent out, but to batter and mutilate his fresh body beyond recognition. Oh, the humanity! Why, you bastards, do you torment us? Observe as the blood-crazed female moose charges her unsuspecting victim, dropping him to the ground with a swift butt from her tremendous head.

With her prey momentarily stunned, her unprovoked attack becomes more focused, more precise, and painfully persistent. You can't actually tell from the video, but the moose actually defecates on her victim after finally ending the awful attack!

As our world moves into the 21st century, nature deals another cruel blow, as the process of natural selection has resulted in a new breed of albino super-moose, with reported sightings in remote parts of Saskatchewan. It is reported that these moose have an appetite for human blood, are not scared of fire, and some locals even claim that they howl at the moon.

When will these moose stop? When will enough be enough?

Of course, we humans have a responsibility to educate ourselves about coexisting with the moose, and we must know how to respond if ever attacked by a blood-crazed moose with murder on his mind.

Humans, being the smarter species, must learn of the moose and his ways, for to know one's opponent is to defeat him.

But then, you have total idiots like this family, who for some reason have decided to play a perverted game of Russian roulette by allowing what appears to be a domesticated moose into their own home. Insanity! Madness! What are they thinking? Would anybody in their right mind endanger their families like this? Who risks extensive damage to quality furniture so recklessly and purposelessly?

If there's one thing we want you to take away from this article, it's this: Respect the moose, and your chances for survival are increased.

Today's Important News Stories

2007-09-19T08:51:00.000-05:00

Supplies!!!

Chinese people really love gaming, and they really love stir-fried cat. Also, they love fried cat.

Proof of this is the recent death of a Chinaman in Guangzhou who kicked the bucket after a marathon 30-hour gaming stretch. Doctors are simply calling it a case of "exhaustion." This was not the first such incident in China. In March, a 26-year-old man, described only as "an overweight young internet addict," began twitching after seven days of non-stop internet and eventually keeled over from a heart attack.

So, we guess the moral of the story here is that the internet giveth, and the internet taketh away. Despite all the positive aspects of surfing the web (pornography, unsubstantiated celebrity gossip, monkey videos, pornography), there is also the evil side of the web, the side that sucks the life out of your body like the sucubus that it is, then punches your one-way ticket on the midnight train direct to Slab City.

Chickens and cocaine.

The other really, really important headline we found in the news today read "Police Taser Man With Chicken In Car." Now, before you start nodding in silent approval, the man also had an ounce of cocaine on him in addition to the live chicken.

We don't know what this guy's plan for the weekend was, but he obviously was off to a solid start. Until those asshole cops came and wrecked it all for him with their fancy taser and that whole "punching him repeatedly in the head" nonsense.

The police did not release the chicken's name.

Baboons are quality animals.

And, since no day's news is complete without a monkey story, today's gem comes to us all the way from......... Lithuania.

At the zoo over in Vilnius, a "lonely" baboon named Mitis has adopted a chicken as his best friend. The chicken, who apparently does not have a name yet, was brought in as food for other zoo animals. But the crafty hen managed to escape to the baboon's pen, and Mitis fell in love with the chicken.

"He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said. "But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may finally realise this is food. Obviously this baboon needed someone to communicate with."

Which makes perfect sense, really. The complex social structure that is needed by all baboons can be provided quickly and cheaply with a normal chicken.

But, in all fairness to both the baboon and the chicken, getting eaten wouldn't be all that bad of a way to die. At least you are guaranteeing the baboon a first-rate chicken lunch. That being said, the management of this website believes that it would be much more comical if the baboon used the chicken to pull off the legendary "Baron von Chickenpants" routine:

Mamma Mia - Italians Boycott Pasta

2007-09-14T03:17:00.000-05:00

Fahgedabowdit...

In a move that is as shocking as it is unstereotypical, Italians worldwide have gone on a pasta boycott to protest against rising prices. Giving up one of their favorite foods won't be easy, say Italians, but the symbolic gesture is intended to be a message to the government to intervene.

"Pasta, bread, milk - these are the most important things. We are not protesting for perfumes or jewels," said, Marisa, at a Rome protest. Clemente Mastella, the Italian justice minister, had promised to support the cause by skipping his favourite Neapolitan dish of pasta tubes stuffed with tomatoes and ricotta cheese. Carlo Pileri, of the ADOC consumer group, said: "The pasta strike is symbolic, a call for Italians to make a sacrifice - to sacrifice something we can't give up, even when we travel abroad."

Extra pepperoni!

But what if the pasta strike doesn't work? What if spaghetti prices continue to skyrocket? Always thinking one step ahead, those crafty Italians have a backup plan. If necessary, they are ready to shave their greasy moustaches, start importing anti-perspirant, stop working as plumbers, and making possession of an eggplant a criminal offense.

President Bush was in Australia for the APEC summit last week. First of all, why does America even bother trying diplomatic relations with Australia? Why be friends with those kangaroo-eaters in the first place? It makes no sense. Anyways, Dubya was in rare form, first mistaking APEC for OPEC, then making the classic "Austria - Australia" mix-up. Finally, at the end of his speech, Bush reminds us of his true intellectual prowess by attempting to leaving the stage the wrong way.

Yee-haw.