Delirium

Meet Ritchie Davis.

Ritchie is a 15-year-old kid from Florida. Ritchie is also an honorary Hot Pipe for life.

He did what most of us have always dreamed of doing, but never quite mustered up the courage to do. He simply sacked up and did it.

Ritchie stole a bus. Twice. And after he stole it, he drove the bus route, making stops and collecting money from passengers. He drove the bus 12 miles.

Twice.

"I drove that bus better than most of the LYNX drivers could," said Ritchie to law enforcement officers after they arrested him for grand theft auto and driving without a license. "There isn't a scratch on it. I know how to start it, drive it, lower it, raise it."

Give him the Nobel Prize. Give him an Oscar. Give him an honorary degree in "Blatant Disregard for the Rule Whenever the Fuck He Feels Like It." From Harvard.

What balls! What unbreakable resolve! Ritchie steals buses like a mule plows a field: Doggedly, with a high threshold for pain. The first time he stole a bus, it happened to be a tour bus, and he drove the tour group around.

Outstanding.

Who would have thought a whale could be so heavy?

How hard can it be to make a quality urinal?

If someone were to accidentally drop a half-full glass of beer into a urinal, most people would think that the glass of beer would break. If the urinal breaks, something is wrong. It was either poorly made or already cracked. For a normal pint glass to break a urinal when dropped from a height of two feet is absurd. Totally and utterly absurd.

Since today is Friday, and motivation is low, we are posting a few videos. We don't really feel like writing today. Especially since we dropped that glass last night.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

A distant relative of all of us.

In light of all the politically-motivated garbage that we have been posting lately here at HPO, we have decided to put the ranting and raving aside and stick with what got us here in the first place: low-brow humor.

A big Hot Pipes thank you goes out to many of our faithful readers, who "piped" in to our mailbag with these great stories. Especially our New York correspondant, Ophelia Johnson.

First stop: Des Moines, Iowa. One of our cousins, a bonobo named Panbanisha (pictured above), pulled a fire alarm at some place called "The Great Ape Trust of Iowa." The bonobo, which is the closest relative to human beings, can be taught many things: How to communicate using symbols and language; how to be polite and trustworthy; how to throw their own poo with incredible distance and accuracy.

Anyways, the fire department showed up, and Panbanisha got yelled at for pulling the alarm. Look, people: If you don't want the damn apes pulling the fire alarms, don't put them in the ape enclosure, you idiots.

Sweet Lou.

Courtesy of The Onion, here is some breaking news about newly-hired Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella:

CHICAGO - During his formal introduction as Cubs manager Tuesday, Lou Piniella announced that his first and only managerial decision will be to step down immediately and permanently from his new position - a bold, unexpected move that he successfully carried out just moments later. "My time in Chicago has been great, and it feels like it was just yesterday that I started this job, but I truly believe that this move will give me a better opportunity to win," Piniella said at the press conference while ceremoniously removing a Cubs hat and jersey. "I'm very excited about leaving this team." After the announcement, Cubs GM Jim Hendry praised Piniella's sound judgment and pure baseball instinct, saying that "his ability to make quick, smart decisions like this one is exactly why we hired him."

John Madden, meet Ethan Albright.

Ethan Albright is the long snapper for the Washington Redskins and the worst-rated player in the Madden 2007 video game. Understandably, Ethan got a little upset with Madden and decided to write him a fuck-you letter (Editor's note: We love fuck-you letters here at HPO).

Here's our favorite bit:

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever... except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

It's also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

Boom goes the dynamite!

Detroit: Worst Place Ever

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

It's been a while since we've commented on Evo Morales, everyone's favorite cocaine-farming, opposition-murdering, democracy-hating South American leader. He's in the news again, this time because Bolivia is making a push for the non-permanent UN security council seat to be vacated by Argentina. Why is Bolivia doing this? Well, since that twisted Venezuelan dictator, Hugo Chavez, couldn't beat Guatemala in the security council votes (he alleges that there's an American conspiracy against him), he has decided to support his snow-blowing Indian buddy, Evo.

What the hell is going on with South American politics? It just seem like these guys meet up, starting snorting cocaine like it's going out of style, and then make the rest up as they go along. Has it always been like this? When do they plan on stopping? Will one of their heads simply explode from all the vicious drug use and mind-bending circular logic?

Scary.

In the neverending battle between longtime rivals Detroit and Common Sense, D-Town notched another big victory recently. Of all the things that people are having sex with these days, mannequins have to be one of the scariest.

Blame Canada.

In a clear-cut case of the American judicial system making the rules up as they go, a Buffalo man was sentenced to "three years in Canada" for having sexual relations with one of his 15-year-old (female) students. In our opinion, this isn't really all that bad, you know...

AT LEAST HE WASN'T BANGING A MANNEQUIN OR A HORSE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!

Of course, the judicial system forgot to mention all this to Canada, who is shocked and appalled that this type of thing would even happen. The judge that sentenced the man was, fittingly, not answering telephone calls. Now, Canada is saying they might deport the man as an "extra fuck-you", which would technically leave him as a man without a country.

Shit, we would have taken the jail time.

Camp Falcon Update

This is Camp Falcon burning.

At the 3:55 mark in the video, something big goes off. A small mushroom cloud forms shortly thereafter. There has been speculation that it was, in fact, a tactical nuclear weapon, but that seems pretty unlikely. Nukes don't just blow up when other things around them blow up. Nuclear triggers are not designed like that. But, whatever it was, it was big. From what we know, the explosions could be heard from 15 miles away.

This is a smaller ammo dump exploding in June 2004.

That is a home video shot by some Marines of an ammunition dump exploding in Kirkuk two years ago. It is hard to believe that nobody was injured in that attack, judging from that video. The soldiers can be heard talking about how strong the shock wave from one of the blasts was, and it was under a mile away.

If we were betting men, which we are, we would lay our money on the fact that those huge explosions at Camp Falcon killed some people... A lot of people, even. And with the upcoming midterm elections putting more pressure on the Republicans than ever, it is quite easy to find a motive for the US brass to keep this thing under wraps.

Whatever the case, this is scary stuff.

What Happened at Camp Falcon?

Bad, bad things are happening.

If anybody knows what really happened at Forward Operating Base Falcon on the evening of October 10th, they sure seem to know how to keep their mouths shut.

FOB Falcon (also sometimes called "Camp Falcon" or "Rasheed Airbase") is one of the biggest American bases in Iraq. Located 11 miles southeast of downtown Baghdad, several sources claim it is an ammunition dump holding around $1 billion worth of weapons, ammunition, and supplies.

On Wednesday, October 11th, The Guardian reported large explosions in FOB Falcon. Al-Jazeera showed a video of the explosions on their news broadcast, showing massive fireballs and something that looks like a mushroom cloud. Pictures of Camp Falcon, taken on October 12th, show ruined vehicles and buildings. All evidence points to an unimaginably bloody and horrible attack in which many people died.

However, that same day, The US Department of Defense issued an official press release confirming the attack, adding that "no injuries were reported."

No injuries? How can there be no injuries when an attack on one of the biggest bases in Iraq takes place in the middle of the night, with the explosions shaking buildings 15 miles away?

Other sources claim that over 300 US troops and civilians died that night, and that huge American transport planes with red crosses painted on them were seen landing at al-Habbaniyah, the site of Iraq's largest and most modern hospital. They were believed to have been carrying the dead and wounded. Moreover, a list of casualties has been provided as well. If true, this would easily be the most loss of US life in one day since the Iraq war began.

One of HPO's field men is currently stationed in Iraq, but we have not yet received confirmation from him as to the truth of these rumors.

The only rock-solid confirmed facts that are known in this story are 1) Camp Falcon is a major US facility 2) It was attacked on the evening of October 10th 2006. The rest is all speculation.

But why have no mainstream publications been writing about this? Would the American government even want this to be globally reported if it was true? Why is this below the radar? At this stage we have no reason to believe this or to start spinning conspiracy theories. But what will happen if it turns out that this actually is true?

UPDATE: Massive explosions confirmed by senior US military personnel

A Gross Misappropriation of Power

The rod up this man's butt must have a rod up its butt.

While we usually adhere to the old "let a sleeping dog lie" policy here at HPO, a combination of personal sympathy, an explosion of reader mail, and several sleepless nights have forced us to comment on this matter again.

In case you missed it, the King of Spain murdered a drunken bear in Russia a few months back, and is not man enough to own up to his idiocies and admit to it. With the bear conveniently out of his way, King Juan Carlos Alfonso Victor Maria etc etc(he has about 20 names, including several for girls) is denying the whole affair.

The Russian bear, named Mitrofan, was described by witnesses as "very good-natured" and "joyful." He was a bear that lived at a holiday resort and entertained children. This was no rabid grizzly who bit people's heads off - he was a teddy bear.

Oh, the horror!!! A pompous blue-noser like King Juan Carlos, who has never worked a day in his life and may actually be the Antichrist, wanted to look all high and mighty on his hunting trip in the Russian wilderness, so they took poor Mitrofan, "generously fed him vodka mixed with honey and pushed him into a field," and waited till the King of Spain put a bullet in the bear's head.

"Naturally, a heavy, drunken animal became an easy target. His Highness Juan Carlos took Mitrofan out with one shot," said one Russian official.

Clearly, the King of Spain knows a lot about firearm safety and gun etiquette, seeing as he shot and killed his brother when he was 18 years old. And right now, this very moment, he's probably getting chauffered around in his brand new Maybach, drinking tea-and-crumpets and planning his next cold-blooded murder of an inebriated animal.

France vs Japan, Round 2: This time, it's personal.

We're not exactly sure if this is a bad sign for the French, or if this a bad sign for the Japanese; but whichever way you cut it, it ain't pretty. See, we here at HPO always thought that "Paris Syndrome" involved handing over the keys to your house to a bunch of Germans in funny hats, but it turns out we were wrong.

Apparently, Japanese people are so fragile that a lot of them are returning from France with serious psychological problems. And, even more surprisingly, this has nothing to do with the lack of hygiene amongst French women.

Japanese tourists come to France with visions of a beautiful country, one full of taste, culture and manners; a land of true beauty. They come from a rigid, structured Eastern society. They expect certain cultural norms when they arrive in a country which is marketed as a haven of good behavior and high-class service.

But, when these Japanese tourists get a whiff of the ignorant, self-proclaiming attitude that is as prevalent on the streets of Paris as foul body odor, they lose their minds and go insane.

That, my friends, is Paris Syndrome. If you're Japanese, do yourself a favor and stay away from France.

The King of Spain is a Huge Ass

Things need done.

It's Friday, which for most of us means the start of a three-day incoherent mess of drunkenness and lack of common-sense, often ending in horrible personal embarassment, and sometimes even incarceration. But no matter how bad it gets, don't complain, because most of our problems are really pretty modest when compared to some of the other sick, twisted shit that happens in this world.

No matter what happens this weekend, remind yourself that it could always be worse, especially if you were in one of the following five places:

• Iran - A huge fucking country, led by an asshole dictator who beats women, jails students, and has recently banned his citizens from using the internet.
• Sudan - The Darfur situation is pretty bad. Those racist pervert militiamen have already killed half a million innocent people, and nobody even knows what they want. Usually, when you fight the government, you do it for a reason, guys. How about making your demands clear, so maybe we can end the killing? That might be good. Sudan takes the cake as the current location of the asshole of the world.
• Sri Lanka - Is anybody even winning this war? Because both sides are claiming victory. The Tigers have now crossed into uncharted territory, targeting tourist destinations all the way on the other side of the island. It looks as though Switzerland couldn't solve this problem, after all. This one isn't going away, folks. Damn you, Switzerland!!!
• Palestine - HPO has learned that everybody's favorite non-Gentiles, the Jews, have developed a new secret weapon that is mystifying doctors in Gaza. The Hindu Magazine reports that victims are being brought in to hospitals with severe burns and "metallic dust" covering their internal organs, and mysteriously dying after a few days. The Hebrews not only refuse to admit using the new weapon, but also deny that such a weapon even exists. From what the experts are saying, it's some new type of bomb that eventually kills you from the inside.
• Wherever Oliver is - As HPO field man Jimmy Fontaine once said: "There is a strict zero-tolerance policy on douchebags" here at Hot Pipes.

V.I. Lenin - Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!!!!

It's been a while since we took some cheap shots at the King of Spain, but when this story surfaced we just couldn't resist. Apparently, during a visit to Russia last August, King Juan Carlos gunned down a drunk bear while on a hunting trip. The bear, who from what we can tell was one hell of a nice bear, was allegedly fed a mix of honey and vodka prior to being murdered in cold-blood by the fucking King of Spain.

This sort of thing could only happen in Russia. Nowhere else in the entire world.

The bear was a tame, peaceful animal whose main job was entertaining children. We agree with The Moscow Times in their description of this whole affair: "It's like a five-star hotel inviting a prostitute in from the street." How would His Majesty like it if a bunch of bears got him drunk and then clawed him to death? We doubt he'd be singing and dancing after that.

Deathmarch

Urlacher the linebacker.

Everbody knows that when your name rhymes with the position you play, you will be a damn good player. It's the truth. Which is why it is no surprise that Urlacher, who is a manimal, was instrumental in making the comeback of the year come true the other night.

The Bears have just taken another step in their death-march to the Super Bowl. And they don't take any crap from anybody.

In fact, the Bears have a way of really making people upset:

"Lou will have his say."

This could very well be the best video of all time. It has it all: A great Piniella tirade including a double base-toss, C.B. Bucknor taking it like an ump, A-Rod with highlights, the crowd going wild, "His head's turning red," the grounds crew clearing the infield, and Palmeiro making tender-assed hand-gestures with his sleazy porn stache in full bloom.

Nobody, and we mean nobody, on the face of this planet (and probably the Planet of the Apes too) throws a temper tantrum like Lou Piniella. And now, with him behind the wheel on the North Side, there should be plenty of chances.

Your Friday Grab-Bag

Where are my pants?

Well, it is Friday, and there seems to be an unusually high number of absurd news stories on the news wire today. So if you're looking for sophisticated humor and quick-witted journalism, you've definitely screwed up and you are here by mistake. But, if your goal is to read something so pointless and depraved that you'll probably be stupider after reading it then you were before, you are in the right place.

Go West, young man.

Before we get started, we would like to note that a friend of HPO, who asked to be identified only as "The Blue Pig", has pointed out that what Materazzi actually said to Zidane was "I fucked your camel."

Our apologies for not posting that sooner.

Moving at the speed of Hot Pipes.

Our first story, brought to you by the good people over at The First Coast News, involves blatant abuse of one of the best foods ever invented. Why couldn't she have hid the needle in a chicken pot pie or a sub sandwich or something? Why tarnish the already-tainted image of the burrito? Hasn't Mexican food suffered enough slander and degredation? Incidentally, we think that we were once served that exact same burrito at a Taco Bell in Yazoo City, Mississippi.

It's a fooking kangaroo.

G'day mate!!! Oh, wait a minute... That's Australia... and this... well, this is only Austria. Shit.

The Bear.

Here is what it's like to live in Idaho. You sit around all day, in the middle of nowhere, eating potatoes and making moonshine, until a 400 lb bear comes crashing through your backyard and threatens your little children, whom you have inexplicably named Brooklyn, Charles, and Cleo.

It's a good thing that the babysitter happened to have her "valid Idaho bear hunting tag" and hunting rifle within reach, or this thing could have gone out of hand. Because when The Bear smells blood, he can be mighty tough to stop.

Horsepounding

That horse needs some 151.

This story comes out of the "we-always-wanted-to-do-something-like-this-but-now-we-realize-why-we-never-got-around-to-it" file. A woman in central Georgia got slapped with a DUI last night when she rode her horse onto a highway in a drunken fit of rage. After the on-ramp, the horse merged into the right lane before getting rear-ended by a Bonneville.

Reports claim that the horse survived.

OK, so you're probably thinking that the moral of this story is "keep your damn horse off the interstate", but it's not. While researching this story, we here at HPO found out about the "Kumamoto Drunken Horse Fest." This festival, which is hands-down the best idea a Japanese person ever had, involves getting a horse drunk, parading it around while everybody else gets drunk, and then, sadly, shooting it.

Even worse than shooting a drunken horse is the reason why they shoot it.

Anyways, we found a video of one of these drunken horses. Considering that this horse is probably drunk for the first time, he does a pretty good job of holding his alcohol. But then again, he doesn't look too sure-footed, either:

What Can Hot Pipes Do For You?

There are good ideas, and then there are bad ideas.

If you ever went to a state fair in Texas and wondered why there were so many paramedics there, we got the answer: Congratulations go out to Richard LeFebre, who's gonna have a mean case of the Hot Pipes tonight, for winning the "Jalapeno Eating World Championship" at the State Fair of Texas. LeFebre, who is 62 years old, downed 247 peppers in eight minutes as emergency medical technicians stood by.

He has been dubbed one of the "Four Horsemen of the Esophagus."

28 year-old Chris Huang, who also participated in the contest, ate just 53 peppers and couldn't talk for a couple minutes after the contest. When he regained the power of speech, all he said was "I can't feel my face."

Another poor, defenseless Italian gets his makeup ruined.

Marco Materazzi, the Italian primadonna who was headbutted by Zinedine Zidane at the World Cup in July, has written a book called "What I really Said to Zidane," where he reveals 249 phrases that he might have said to the French star. Materazzi claims that one of the phrases in the book is really what he said to Zidane.

So, taking full advantage of this opportunity for a couple of below-the-belt shots, we here at HPO came up with a list of some of the other things that Materrazi might have said to Zidane just before the headbutt:

• "Your mother's armpits are hairier than my babalones."
• "I thought you guys were gonna surrender when your goalie got his shoe caught in the sprinkler system."
• "So, France's new tanks have 5 gears - one in forward and 4 in reverse."
• "Tell your cousin Mohammed that I like my cous-cous without goat testicles."
• "Look, buddy: Your car was flipped over when I got here. And as for your Grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
• "Your armpits look a bit sunburnt."
• "They're building an Olive Garden inside the Eiffel Tower."
• "I heard France planted a bunch of trees on the streets of Paris so that the Germans could parade around in the shade."
• "Can I borrow your eyeliner?"

Let's roll.

The Search for Southeast Jerome Continues

"Can you give me a ride to the dance, Uncle Rico?"

Clinton Portis resumed his tradition of doing improv compedy at his Thursday press conferences. Yesterday, he unveiled his newest character, "Dolemite Jenkins." The Redskins posted the press conference on their website, but if you wanna watch it you have do a free registration.

While we here at HPO are ecstatic that Portis brought back this great tradition (it made Thursday our favorite day of the week last fall), we must say that his performance was sub-par. But, then again, it was his first of the year, so he probably just needs some time to warm up.

Anyways, here are the higlights of the conference:

Portis arrives, wearing a "Vote for Santana" T-shirt, tight-fitting wrangler jeans, and black galoshes. He does a stupid dance first, then answers questions for five minutes, pulling several Bic razors out of his pocket during the interview. He hinted that the search for Southeast Jerome's killer will lead him to "New York city, right by the Statue of Liberty."

We love him.

"Where's the manure?"

When we read this shocking story, three things popped into our minds.

1. We're not really surprised that this was done by a man from Chicago.
2. This reminds us of the story of Najeh "The Dump Truck" Davenport dropping a dog in that poor girl's laundry hamper. One of the most bizarre and hilarious stories of all time, highlighted by Davenport's rock-solid defense of himself: "Where's the evidence? Where's the manure?"
3. Tyrone Biggums:

Life is hard for a prostitute.

A new soap opera called "Without Tits" is causing quite a disturbance in the South American country of Colombia. The show documents the problems of a young woman desperately trying to find a rich, drug-dealing boyfriend who will take her out of her life in the gutter. The only problem is, she is flat-chested, so she needs to make some money so she can get breast implants and catch some wealthy gangster's eye.

After failing at many other jobs, she turns to prostitution to raise money for the boob job. Ironically, she fails at being a street-corner girl because her breasts are too small.

A prostitute's Catch-22, as it were.

Anyways, many people in Colombia are upset at the show's stereotypes, and Pereira city spokesman Luis Garcia even said that "We refuse to be defined by this tele-trash!" But, as it turns out, the soap opera actually remains fairly true to the situation facing a lot of young women in Colombia.

So listen, and listen good, Garcia: You may be offended by this kind of low-brow crap broadcasting, but this is exactly the kind of tele-trash that we love. In fact, we're on it like a chicken on a june-bug. So we're reeeeeaaaaally sorry if a wave of cocaine-slanging warlords and their loyal army of prostitutes is ruining your country's reputation, you snow-blowing, brain-dead, powder-inhaling dipshit!

January 26th, 1986

This is how it's supposed to look.

The title of this post says it all.

As their death-march to the Super Bowl continues, Da Team is finally getting the respect they deserve. During their absolute whooping of the Seagulls last week, the Baby Bears proved that they don't take any shit from anybody.

Now, if you just clicked on that link up there, and happened to have your volume up while you watched that video, it should be apparent that even though the music completely sucked, you still watched the whole entire thing for the sake of the Bears, while somehow attempting to block that horrible, horrible music out.

Or maybe you just turned down the volume.

What a special team. The Ron Karkovice Fan Club really hits the nail on the head with their dissection of this year's steamrolling juggernaut. They are a force of nature, like the Mississippi River, Mount Vesuvius, the Gulf Stream, or Barbara Streisand. We here at HPO don't want to sound over-zealous here, but this is starting to look like the Bears will never lose a game again. Ever.

All class, all the time.

A lot of the credit has to go to Dr. Lovie. What's there not to love? He's the squeaky clean minister from Texas who doesn't drink, smoke, or draft offense. It's money in the bank. And, to top it off, his real name is "Lovie Lee Smith."

What an outstanding name.

Now, we have never witnessed a first-hand Lovie Lee Smith press conference, but we imagine that Sunday's press conference was the exact polar opposite of this one:

Incidentally, a fellow Hot Pipes insider once caddied for Mike Ditka at Butler Country Club, outside of Chicago. Afterwards, he said that Ditka chain-smoked "the biggest fucking Cuban cigars I've ever seen" for the duration of all 18 holes, and that he had never heard one man curse that much in one afternoon.

Hey, some of us have been predicting this type of dominance for over a year now.

It's just a shame Denver ain't on the schedule this year:

What in God's Name is Going on Here?

Looks delicious.

This article, sent to us by HPO field man Jimmy Fontaine, is from the Chicago Tribune. It is so unbelievable that we had to post the whole thing:

By Brendan McCarthy

Tribune staff reporter

October 2, 2006, 7:13 PM CDT

An intoxicated catering company employee found dead early Sunday in Millennium Park died from asphyxia after choking on a coin, authorities said Monday. The Cook County medical examiner's office ruled the death a homicide, but police said they are not yet classifying the death as such, and are continuing to investigate the odd circumstances surrounding the incident.

Humberto Davila, 33, of the 3500 block of West Melrose Street, was found around 4:45 a.m. Sunday, lying face down amid shrubbery in the southeast corner of the park, in the 100 block of East Monroe Street, authorities said. Co-workers had last seen Davila earlier Sunday, when he was drinking with friends and causing a minor disturbance in the park, Central District Lt. Charles Flynn said.

His body was discovered by a park-cleaning crew.An autopsy completed Monday found that the man had choked on a foreign object, said a spokesman for the medical examiner's office.Police spokeswoman Monique Bond said Monday, however, that investigators were treating the incident as a death investigation, not a criminal matter.

"We are still waiting to receive toxicology reports," she said. "We still have a number of individuals we need to talk to."

Davila was an employee of a catering company and had been intoxicated at the time of his death, Bond said.There was no trauma to his body, Bond said, and the object found lodged in his throat appeared to be a coin.

A broken liquor bottle was found nearby, and investigators believe the man may have fallen on or smashed the bottle shortly before his death.

Congratulations, Humberto Davila. Not only did you get drunk and cause a "minor disturbance" with your friends in the park, but you then managed to fall on a liquor bottle (we're guessing it was "The Bird") before choking to death on a fucking coin.

Of all the ways to get found "lying face down amid shrubbery", this one is probably the worst.

It was probably an Indiana quarter.

This is only the second elephant picture in the history of HPO.

In other tragic news, a newlywed couple's honeymoon turned really, really not good when the groom was tragically trampled by an elephant during a nature walk. Local authorities blame the elephant's poor eyesight for the "unprovoked attack", saying that the beast got "spooked" by something.

Say hello to "The Rack."

While reading various Kenyan newspapers when researching that elephant article, we came across this strange story. Kenya, for some reason, has newspapers that, when covering a breast cancer story, show pictures of white women's breasts.

95% of Kenya's population of 35 million citizens is black.

Can anybody think of a reason they wouldn't pick black boobs for the picture? With about 8 million black women to choose from in Kenya, we're guessing there wouldn't be a problem with finding a photogenic pair of jugs. Unless, of course, this is some bizarre form of never-before-seen new-age racism, born out of some kind a perverse appreciation for the white teet.

HPO has always been an equal opportunity blog. Put an end to breast discrimination! Emancipate the black titties! What bad have they ever done? Do they not deserve to be free? Do they not fill the same bras as white breasts? How can we call this a forward-leaning society? End this antiquated ethnic degradation, you racist bastards.

Swing low, sweet chariot!