Have Another One, Swayze

Everybody remembers Mel Gibson's little run-in with the law back in July, right?

It wasn't Gibsons first. Back in 1992, when asked his opinion on gay people, Gibson said, "They take it up the ass." When asked by the gay public to apologize for these comments, Gibson said, "I'll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off."

Well, HPO has learned that recently, none other than Patrick Swayze has come to Mel's defense, serving as a charachter witness in vouching for Gibson's sanity amidst accusations of anti-Semitism and alcohol-abuse.

As it turns out, Swayze himself has had some dubious run-ins with the law, one of them being so ludicrous that we had to share it with you. The information comes courtesy of our friends at TSG.

Here's how it went down, according to Patrick Swayze:

Patrick Swayze, piloting his own private plane, took off from Van Nuys airport in California in the early hours of June 1, 2000, on a short flight to his ranch in Las Vegas, New Mexico. Flying along at 13,000 feet, his plane had a "pressurization problem," forcing Swayze to make an emergency landing on a runway he conveniently saw below him. Problem was, he noticed people on the "runway," which was actually a street, and the plane crashed into a couple light poles and a stop sign. After checking to make sure his two dogs were OK, Swayze hitched a ride to a hotel, and contacted the police 12 hours later. He didn't stay at the scene of the crash because he didn't want to create a spectacle out of the whole thing.

Ok... makes sense.

Swayze likes the sauce.

But, according to the written testimony of four witnesses who were part of a construction crew working on the "runway," this is how it actually happened:

A small plane made a reckless, out-of-control landing on the street, nearly hitting their truck as it screamed past them, ripping part of its wing off before skidding to a stop. One of the construction workers noticed the dogs walking around outside the plane, so he went to go check on the pilot. Swayze, who was "pacing back and forth in the airplane," seemed unaware that he hadn't landed at an airport, claiming that he "lands here almost every other day." The witness noticed that Swayze's "eyes were bloodshot and his speech was slurred."

To put it mildly, Swayze was shit-faced: The red, red wine had taken control of his mind and his brain was swimming with alcohol.

Swayze bought Lite because they were out of Schmitt's Gay.

After asking if "the wildfires had reached his ranch yet," Patrick Swayze was told that he was not, in fact, even in New Mexico. Upon hearing this, Swayze pulls a 30-rack of warm Miller Lite out of the plane and asks the construction worker to get rid of it. Then, Swayze pulls a half bottle of wine out of the plane and asks the construction worker to hide that, too.

Swayze then demands a ride from one of the construction workers, avoiding authorities for 12 hours until he sobered up. Then, he made up a bunch of lies to cover his ass because he thought "his wife was going to be very upset." He has the construction workers provide false stories to the police, which eventually were exposed.

When the police asked them what they did with the beer, the contruction worker said that "he and his crew drank it the next day."

The empty bottle of wine?

"On my mantle," he said.

Vote for Portis

He needs your support.

Clinton Portis, the improv comedy character actor who made every Thursday of our autumn a glorious day, has recently been nominated for the Hall Of Fame over at deadspin, the sports gossip powerhouse website.

Now, we here at HPO are not exactly sure what this means, but we have dedicated the first half of our day to voting for Clinton Portis over and over. We urge you to do the same, or at least vote for him once.

Submit your vote(s) here.

And, for your entertainment pleasure, here is a summary of Clinton's charity shopping spree at a local Best Buy. Hilarious.

The Lion Sleeps Tonight...

Dogs can't drive very well.

Yesterday, in China, a woman identified only as "Li" decided to give her dog driving lessons in her car.

After reading the story, we weren't really shocked. Of course the dog is gonna crash the damn car. Humans are bad at chasing rabbits; dogs are bad at driving automobiles. It's just the way life works.

And, in what can only be called a total embarassment to legitimate journalism everywhere, about one-third of the 143 newspapers that ran this story in English world-wide used the line "you can't teach an old dog new tricks."

Be original, people. You're supposed to be professionals.

The dog was not injured in the accident.

Goulet.

Now, after softening you readers up with all that lowbrow humor, it is time to move on to a more serious topic: Network neutrality.

Network neutrality is an idea that basically states that a user of the internet should be able to select what they want to use the internet for (as long as it is legal and not harmful to the network) at any time they want.

Seems fair, right? You get to pick what you want to watch, when you want to.

But, the telecom giants (AT&T, ComCast, Verizon) don't want it like that. They want control of the digital highways that transfer information that passes through the internet, selling out to the highest bidder. The websites that will pay these companies the big bucks will be riding the internet expressways, while those who don't pay will be left in the gutter. They will decide what you get to watch.

Does this sound familiar?

They had something like this in Russia once..... what was it called? Oh, yeah.... COMMUNISM!!!

Example: Goole pays ComCast $50 million, but yahoo pays them $100 million. Comcast, as a service provider, makes yahoo.com load at fast speeds, but makes google.com load very slowly, or perhaps not at all.

Be careful with these pipes; they're very hot.

Right now, the lion is asleep. Lobbying is currently going on in Congress, so it's anyone's guess as to how this will all pan out. No danger yet. But, when that lion wakes up, it's hard to tell who will be eaten. We're not experts on this problem, but it sure as shit seems pretty un-American. The internet is supposed to be a shining beacon of freedom and expressive autonomy, a means to unite the world through one common medium.

Hell, H.G. Wells even predicted the internet back in 1942; except he called it the "world mind." If that lion wakes up, it would be a total, utter, disaster; a dark day for the future of the internet.

Leave the Hot Pipes to Us

Bring it back.

The picture on the left is the "before" picture. The picture on the right is the "after" picture, taken just a few days ago. Joe "Showtime" Crede needs to switch barbers.

Bring back the gritfeather, Joe.

The Chinese Melon

We believe that a huge congratulations should go out to the Sistrunk family from Converse, Louisiana. For the past 5 months, they have carefully tended to their watermelon patch, eventually producing a beast of a melon that shattered the state record. The melon weighed in at 252.4 lbs. The smallest in their patch weighed 190 lbs.

Everybody is happy about this great achievement, except of course for The Melon Man.

That's right... gay sheep.

Following up on a story we received in our mailbag, it turns out that the morons over at Oregon State University are at it again. Apparently, they are senselessly slaughtering male rams by the dozens in an attempt to "cure" gayness.

The man leading the experiments is Dr. Charles Roselli, who is probably a "doctor" in the same way that Dr. Mario, Dr. Octagon, and Dr. I-Don't-Know were "doctors."

Good work, jackasses in Oregon. Slaughtering a whole bunch of sheep to teach us more about human nature...

What's next? Slaughtering cheetahs to learn about quickness? Butchering beagles who hump people's legs in order to improve Viagra? Murdering apes who smoke Cuban cigars? It's ridiculous.

Besides, sheep aren't the only animals who can be gay... And since our main-man Pan seems to have vanished off the face of the earth, we now leave you with another Borat clip:

Temperature

Oswaldo politely tells Iassogna to "shove it up his ass."

Dan Iassogna is often referred to as "the Jeff Triplett of the AL." And with good reason. The worst umpire in the bigs prompted a classic Oswaldo rant the other night, the outburst officially going into the books as "arguing balls and strikes."

We here at HPO have always felt that arguing balls and strikes was the best way to get tossed from a game. It is a showcase of opinionated bickering, a child-like degeneration into a "I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I" argument, a total regression into the realm between feeling and understanding that only grown men with short tempers share; a cold war of the nerves.

The best ever at arguing balls and strikes? "Sweet" Lou Piniella. Best there ever was. Nobody will ever top his ability.

Terrence Mathis looks on in shock as Triplett calls "roughing the running back."

In related news, Toronto skipper John Gibbons also lost his cool the other night, but the umpires didn't have anything to do with it. A man with a history of random violence, Gibbons has alread had his share of altercations this season.

A while back, he challenged Shea Hillenbrand to a fight after Hillenbrand admitted to writing "The ship is sinking" on the clubhouse bulletin board.

Hillenbrand: Yeah, I wrote it. So what? You wanna take this outside, old man?

Gibbons: Whats wrong with inside? (swings)

This is how it all started.

Ted Lilly is pitching with an 8-0 lead in the second inning, only to give up seven runs. This prompted the mound visit seen in the picture above: Words were exchanged, and Lilly was yanked. In Gibbons' own words: "He thought he should have stayed in the game. I didn't think so."

So, an outraged Lilly exchanged some heated words with Gibbons, and then left the dugout and went to the clubhouse. Gibbons, wanting a piece of Lilly, followed him into the tunnel!

We would like to remind you all that this is all happening during the game.

But Lilly had an ace up his sleeve. According to eyewitness reports, he was waiting for Gibbons in the tunnel! Gibbons confronted him, pushed him, and then all hell broke loose. In the words of Canadian journalist Aaron Harris:

Gibbons just went at him... Gibbons grabbed him and they disappeared. Then the whole dugout emptied in there.

Unfortunately, no cameras seem to have captured the punch-up. But, shortly after the incident, Gibbons was seen with a bloody nose. Also, numerous web polls show that Lilly won the fight. After the fight, Gibbons claimed that "everything was fine" and that differences had been resolved.

Gibbons is making a strong push for a high seed in the MFT. We don't know how we omitted him from the original rankings.

What balls! Gibbons has shown the world exactly how big his khram is. Leading by example is one thing. But earning the respect of your players through a long-established pattern of repeated assault is another. We salute you, John Gibbons.

My Raccoon Has Hepatitis...

The most dangerous animal known to man.

An angry pack of raccoons has taken the city of Olympia, Washington, by storm. They roam the streets, in packs of four or five, assaulting household pets and biting people. The raccoons come every year, but there have never been problems of this magnitude before.

The citizens of the area that is under raccoon attack have formed a neighborhood watch, and it is now standard to leave the house armed with pepper spray. One woman even carries an iron pipe whenever she leaves the house!

Raccoons are pretty scandalous by nature, when you think about it. They make crappy pets, they make a living out of breaking into chimneys and trash cans, and they can tear a camp site into a sloppy mess in under ten minutes.

But these raccoons in Washington, these "urban raccoons," are a horse of a different color. According to citizens, they "are not afraid."

They "went nuts" and killed 10 cats.

One of them, the alleged ring leader of this raccoon band, has been reported as "the biggest raccoon I've ever seen."

"He was a monster," they say.

But what is being done about these raccoon attacks? Well, right now, not too much. The wildlife control agent assigned to the case was quoted as saying, "They are in command up there."

And now, a bit of Borat:

Back to the Frying Pan

What do you get when you mix grass-roots politics with anti-Semitism?

Yup, that's right, you guessed it. Our favorite Islamic hot-head, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (first time we've ever spelled that right without checking), made a historic appearance in the Iranian countryside yesterday. Having the testicular fortitude to ride around in an open car, the Iranian president showed a rare side, by giving a fiery speech in front of thousands of supporters.

As reported by our favorite newspaper, Mahmoud's popularity in the country is very high, but the middle class and the students criticize him for his mis-handling of the economy, his questionable foreign policy ("wiping out Israel"), and accuse him of using Iran's right to nuclear development as a propaganda machine to mask the country's true problems.

Also, HPO has learned that unconfirmed reports of Ahmadinejad carrying a manpurse have surfaced, which would make him gayer than Colin Farrell in Alexander.

How A Young Man Lives

Pipes.

Every once in a while, we gotta do an update post. You know, to tie up a few loose ends.

First up? Jose Cans.

He got the start, he threw the knuckler, it didn't dance, and he got rocked. Despite his God-awful pitching line, Jose claimed that "it felt pretty good." If we understand this correctly, he is also batting .169 on the season...

Secondly, that legendary mystery beast that was hit by a car a few days ago in Maine? Turns out it was probably just a dog. The thing had been terrorising people for years out there, and there was speculation that it was a wolf, dingo, coyote, or possibly some type of cross-bred, half-blood mutation.

In the pictures that we saw, it sure as shit looked like a dog.

This is "Dr. I Don't Know"

Very soon, the autumn wind will begin blowing through, and the leaves will begin to turn, and the days will shorten as our side of the world slowly tilts away from the sun, and hopefully, Clinton Portis will again entertain us every Thursday with his press conferences.

Each week, the national public was given an unabridged look into the lonely, troubled mind of a 24-year-old man with more money than most companies make in a year. However, these intricately-staged performances, like all things Portis, continue to differentiate him from his peers. He pulls out all the stops, and his true character comes out.

Here is a list of all his characters, in case you all forgot:

• The Mad Scientist
  
• Southeast Jerome
  
• Dr. I Don't Know
  
• Sherriff Gonna Getcha
  
• Dollah Bill
  
• Reverend Gonna Change
  
• Bro Sweets
  
• Inspector Two-Two
  
• Coach Janky-Spanky
  
• Coconut Jones
  
• Sir Lend-Me-A-Hand

But, even better than that, the good folks down at The Big Lead have found out a little more about Portis. In a very well-written piece by Esquire pen-man Chris Jones, entitled "How a Young Man Lives", the life of Portis is documented with surprising candidness, direction, and reality. Take this description of Portis' grand Virginia mansion, for instance:

A fish tank in every room, for starters. His obsession with them also began in college, during his sophomore year, when his roommate bought one and suddenly their cinder-block cell felt like a pad. The most elaborate of his current collection has been reserved for his bedroom, where the magic happens. More specifically, it's reserved for his bed, the headboard of which consists of an aquarium that nearly reaches the ceiling, a square-shouldered arch filled with salt water, coral, fish, and a freakishly large sea anemone that looks an awful lot like a gaping vagina.

Anyone else not surprised? That's pretty much textbook Portis right there, fits right in with everything else.

Read the entire article, it's a fine piece of literature.

Jagging Around

Jose was traded by the A's for 2 pocket flashlights and some candy.

One of our readers, "Penis" Stanley, sent in a request. So here we go...

Jose Canseco, the man who claims to have met his 2nd wife at Hooters, recently reincarnated his professional baseball career by signing with a contract with the San Diego Surf Dawgs, whose mascot looks suspiciously like Scrappy-Doo after a few years of drinking malt liquor, begging for change, and sleeping in a garbage truck.

Canseco only agreed to the contract after it included clauses that stipulated that he would be able to pitch, and throw his knuckleball. As ridiculous as this may sound, Canseco actually pitched an inning with the Rangers back in 1993. As you can guess, it wasn't pretty.

To illustrate his pitching ability (or lack thereof), here is a clip of him warming up:


That knuckle ball isn't exactly kissing twine.

In the end, the club agreed and signed Canseco, but after playing just one game for them, Jose demanded a trade. According to the article, he "found out today... that he had family responsibilities" and had to move to LA because of them.

Right...

Canseco shows his infamous "Cuban pelvis thrust" to another unfortunate AL ump.

Canseco ended up getting traded to the Chico Outlaws, and made a noisy entrance in Chico, California. After being selected to the GBL All-Star game, Jose proceeded to win the home run derby before the game. After winning the derby, he claimed that he would use the $250 cash prize on his teammates, promising "to take these guys out and get them drunk."

Sure enough, about 3 hours after the game ended, Jose was apprehended by police after arguing with some woman in a sleazy motel hallway (Note: We here at HPO cannot actually confirm that the motel was sleazy, but since it's Canseco, we've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt). Read all about it in this great article, along with a synopsis of Jose's questionable past.

And, to end this post in a manner consistent with what we believe Jose Canseco is all about, here is a video of him crushing a foul ball off the lights, then getting beaned by a pitch.

Enjoy:

Loose Change

They have awoken a sleeping giant.

A big Hot Pipes thank-you goes out to our Asian correspondent, Steve Korea, for this find. Apparently, a guy named Dylan Avery was researching the events surrounding September 11th, 2001, when he stumbled upon some facts that made it all seem like a conspiracy and cover-up, the likes of which haven't been seen since JFK got killed. The basic premise of the movie is that the US government orchestrated the 9/11 attacks as a means of gathering propaganda for justifying wars in the oil-rich states of the Middle East. That may seem absurd, but the movie raises some good points which must be considered by the rational mind.

Click here to watch this shocking video.

The film runs about an hour twenty, so be prepared to sit it out. But, if you are interested in what actually happened on September 11th, and the repercussions of that day's events, this movie is a must-see. And, while the factual accuracy of some of the information is disputed, the film raises some troubling points. But, if legendary mystery beasts can exist in Maine, we guess anything is possible in this day and age.

Why It Sucks to Live in Iran

A threat to national security.

The above picture is pretty famous. The man in that photograph is Ahmad Batebi, an Iranian student at Tehran University. In 1999, the Iranian Intelligence Ministry (known for their light-hearted nature and slapstick sense of humor) raided the university, and Batebi was photographed holding up the bloody T-shirt of a fellow student during the protest.

The picture ended up on the cover of the Economist, and as a result, Batebi was sentenced to death for "endangering national security."

This is a good reminder of why countries like America and Britain wage wars against certain other countries.

Anyways, Ahmad's sentence was later reduced to 15 years, and he was sent to Evin prison. While in the prison, he was beaten so severely that he was released on medical grounds. Well, last month, he was again arrested and sent back to Evin, days before he was to have surgery for the injuries he suffered during interrogation. Now, he has started a hunger strike in jail.

Odds are, he won't make it. But hopefully, someone takes notice of this abhorration against the rights of people, and this sort of thing won't have to happen again.

Santa Clause, Indiana: Revisited

Machu Picchu.

That whole lot of jiggly woman in the picture above is Krista Guterman, a 19-year old from Long Island. Sadly, this young woman's name is currently all over the press because of her affair with pro baseball player (and scumbuncher extraordinaire) Paul Lo Duca. Lo Duca, previously considered a class act by fans, players, and media alike, is now facing a divorce request from his wife, reports of a massive gambling addiction, and is being called a "scumbag" by this beautiful teenage woman.

We looked for the sleaziest Lo Duca picture we could find.

After looking at that Lo Duca portrait, it's hard to believe nobody saw this coming! The child-molester moustache should have been a dead giveaway. By the way, a big thank you goes out to Adam down at The Hater Nation for finding this great story.

So apparently, first Lo Duca's wife (Sonia) accused him of "spending too much time at the track." Then, to get back at her, Lo Duca revealed that Sonia was not only in a Playboy cyber shoot, but also in some "dirty, dirty" videos. They have the pics at The Wade Blogs (NSFW). So, then it comes out that Lo Duca has been banging this teenager (to use the parlance of our times) and now Krista is all over the news.

The saddest thing about all this is the sell-out job by 19-year-old Krista and her unnamed friend in this article. Judging from the large amount of direct quotations and first-hand corroborations from the two young women in that article, it seems to me that the media got a hold of them and milked the teenagers for all they were worth. And they liked the spotlight, spilling the beans for a shot at temporary front-page stardom. Now, they are wallowing in their own crapulence.

The flavor of the month.

Another case of beauty winning over common sense, of spotlight-whoring at its most helpless and depraved. Add another notch to Krista's belt. She has earned the honor of being known as "that hot chick that Lo Duca screwed." The girl quoted Robbie Williams on her webpage, for Christ's sake!

A sad state of affairs.

Cutting the Cheese

We were way off.

So, back in February, we basically predicted that the Tigers would finish in the basement again this year. But, apparently, they have a lot of guys named Johnson on their roster.

Today, we stumbled across some pretty funny mug shots. Our favorite is the look on their faces: That cocksure, smug, I-just-spent-more-money-on-hookers-and-SUV's-than-you-make-in-a-year look. The law means nothing to these men.

Deion's always been a face guy.

In the above picture, Mr. Sanders is shown grinning idiotically after being arrested for trespassing on property belonging to the Southwest Florida International Airport. Apparently, there is a great fishing spot on the airport grounds. He just couldn't stay away from it, depite being warned multiple times previously about his trespassing at that fishing hole.

Said Deion, "The only defense I have is that I'm sorry, but they were biting."

Apparently, the rules don't apply to Scottie, either.

This mug shot of Scottie "No-Tippin" Pippen was taken just after he was arrested for drunk driving in Texas. When you think about it, the only surprising thing about this whole story is that they actually arrested someone for drunk driving in Texas. The Lone Star state is pretty much a giant saloon where chaw-spittin, shotgun-blasting, rye-drinking yee-haws do whatever they please. Anyways, after failing several sobriety tests and refusing the old Breathalyzer, charges against "No-Tippin" were dropped.

And, to close out the post, we're not sure what this has to do with anything, but we felt it deserved some publicity. Good work, Mr. Dixon.

Pan-Kun's Bug Hunt

This ape is smarter than half of the people we know.

In today's Pan-Kun spectactular showcase, we tag along with him and his faithful dog, James, as they go into the woods looking for insects. Armed only with a net and a bug box (no man-purse for Pan-Kun this time), their mission is to bring home as many bugs as possible.

Part 1:

The ape manages to somehow find a grasshopper, and trap it in the box. Good work by both him and James, as they somehow managed to remain focused on the task at hand, and not let their animal instincts get in the way. However, after a thorough search leaves Pan-Kun empty-handed, he loses motivation and decides to throw in the towel. Just when it appears that things can't get any worse, James inexplicably runs off, leaving a shocked Pan-Kun in a deep state of monkey depression.

Part 2:

James saves the day. Going to relieve himself on a tree, the bulldog leads Pan-Kun straight to what appears to be some kind of dung beetle. Despite the chimpanzee's fluent tree-climbing ability, the insect manages to escape. A few hundred yards later, Pan-Kun locates a pond crab...

Part 3:

After successfully bringing the crab home, Pan-Kun now is the proud owner of two pets. In case anyone out there is interested, order your licensed Pan-Kun and James official merchandise here.

Pan-Kun's Banana

Pan-Kun didn't think it was very funny.

In the newest video we have found, thanks to those no-good Communist jagbags down at youtube, Pan-Kun is the victim of a crude practical joke. In true Japanese fashion, his banana is cruelly taken away from him. But, being a chimp of above-average intellect and hardened moral character, Pan-Kun decides to say "fuck it" and proceeds to rip apart the top of the shoddily-made Japanese table and reclaim his banana by force.

Arnold Es Numero Uno

Lunkers

Best idea ever.

A Texas-sized congratulations goes out to the good people down at Monkey Day News for this outstanding find. It's amazing that they managed to get Charlie that close to the river. Chimps hate water with a passion.

And, he caught two fish. Ah, the beauty of the food chain.

Planet of the Apes

You bastards.

For quite some time now, India has been fighting an increasingly difficult war against a formidable adversary: The monkey.

In just about every major Indian city, our monkey cousins have been causing much mischief. In Delhi, India's capital, the problem has hit rock-bottom. Millions of the monkeys roam the streets wild and free, raiding fridges, stealing alcohol, joyriding on buses, and breaking into office buildings and causing havoc. A few years back, a man was killed when a monkey dropped a flowerpot on his head from the roof of a skyscraper.

However, when a monkey "boarded a train at the underground Chawri Bazaar station" and terrorized passengers for 3 stops, the Indian people decided that enough was enough. To put the pesky monkeys in their place, they brought in gray langurs. Gray langurs have a mean disposition, and they hate monkeys so much that they attack them instantly. The langurs patrol the train stations, keep the "bad" monkeys away from the people, and get paid each month in bananas.

While this is a great idea for keeping monkeys off of trains, what is to be done about the monkeys that roam the streets? According to Hindu Magazine, all attempts by the government to control the monkeys have failed. They ship the monkeys away, but they just come back to the cities. They try to neuter them, they reproduce anyways. They wanted to build a giant park to keep all the monkeys in, but that idea was shot down too.

They can't kill the monkeys, since they are sacred in India.

While it is true that monkeys can be trained to do meaningful jobs, these city monkeys are way beyond the pale of any civility, even by monkey standards.

Thankfully, we here at HPO have a better idea for solving India's monkey problem, once and for all:

Send in the cavalry.

If anybody can straighten this thing out, it's gotta be Cleveland's best investigative reporter. He has a reputation for doing mop-up work, and those monkeys have no chance against the probing journalistic relentlessness of Carl Monday.

Hindsight is 20/20

He ain't nothin' but a hound dog.

This one comes straight out of the "we should've seen that one coming" file. As reported by the AP, on Tuesday night, in England, a Doberman pinscher who was a guard dog at a teddy bear museum flipped out and ate 100 of the rare, valuable bears that were housed there.

They actually got a Doberman to guard a teddy bear museum, and thought that it was a good idea.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, manager of the museum.

The Doberman, named Barney, was appointed by the insurance company to guard the bears. One of the bears that he ate once belonged to Elvis Presley, and was valued at around $75,000.

The King must be rolling in his grave.

Elvis's bear, named Mabel, died a most violent death. It had its head and limbs ripped off by Barney in a fit of rage that the Doberman rarely, if ever, displayed. After it was over, there was fluffy stuffing and little teddy bear eyes everywhere.

"I've spoken to the bear's owner and he is not very pleased at all," said Medley.

The museum's security guard, Greg West, claims he spent "several minutes chasing Barney before wrestling the dog to the ground."

Apparently, Barney received his walking papers as a result of his violent behavior, and will be replaced by a Jack Russell terrier.

But, can you really blame Barney? Aren't dogs supposed to chew up teddy bears? If you put any dog in a teddy bear museum, wouldn't this happen? We here at HPO honestly hope that a couple of those fucks down at the insurance company get fired along with Barney, for coming up with this hair-brained scheme. A few near-sighted horse's-asses come up with a bonehead idea, a perfectly good guard dog is out on the street because of it, and people like you have to suffer through reading this Looney Toons story because of it.

It's like a bad cartoon. It really, truly, is.

Strap It Down

Japan, we salute you.

There have been complaints from the readers... Complaints that the content here at HPO has become a bit "too Japanese." We must admit, most of you make valid points: True, we can't understand a word they are saying in those Japanese clips. It's also true that none of us are actually Japanese. We don't know very much about Japan's history, and probably do not research our material about Japan adequately enough. We've never traveled to Japan, and can't say with any certainty whether we will or we won't.

But for the love of all things that are good and decent, the Japanese have struck gold, people! They use TV the way it was meant to be used: Monkeys walking dogs, people getting humorously injured, overweight guys and ditzy girls, shirt-folding, baseball; all accompanied by silly music and bright colors. This is gourmet digital entertainment, reduced to the ridiculous. So, dear readers, to answer your questions, as long as we're in charge of this website, we will not be saying sayonara to Japanese popular culture.

Hail to the Chimp, Part 3

Shattered dreams.

In a most shocking turn of events, Mikey, the chimp who was to participate in this year's World Series of Poker Tournament, was informed by owners of the Harrah's Casino that he would not be able to participate in the event. With his tournament hopes shattered and his dreams of an early retirement in ape luxury up in smoke, Mikey was about as physically, emotionally, and psychologically crushed as primate can be. All of this information we received from Mikey's sponsors in our mailbag.

Professional players did not understand why Mikey couldn't play. Poker pro Marcel "the Flying Dutchman" Luske was quoted as saying the following:

Mikey played quite a few good hands. After looking at his cards, he knew he didn't want to bet because he had a bad hand. He was more well behaved that a lot of other monkeys I've played against at these tournaments.


Upon hearing the news that he couldn't compete, Mikey was flown to Walla Walla, Washington, aboard his luxurious private jet. After the plane touched down, a dejected Mikey was seen on the tarmac, "jumping up and down repeatedly" in one spot. But, shortly after entering the airport terminal, Mikey disappeared. After an extensive search, the chimpanzee was located in the handicapped stall of the women's restroom, where he had spent two hours eating onions and drinking a bottle of wine.

Despite his inability to compete in the tournament, and his drunken rampage in the airport, Mikey will not be fired. According to pokershare.com, the company will stand behind Mikey and support him in every way. We will keep Mikey in out thoughts and prayers.